Mental Burrowing

Break From Blogging and Facebook

2011-02-07T20:28:00.000-05:00

It's obviously been long enough without a post that this blog has inevitably fallen off your list of sites-to-frequent-often. I'm declaring a hiatus from blogging, similar to the hiatus I took from Facebook. It was enough to break the habit, the compulsive need to check Facebook constantly, the need to make sure I didn't miss anything. I found I was filling precious time just reading status updates of people that I don't have any kind of personal relationship with, old friends that drifted apart naturally or mutual friends of friends that shared a real conversation or met in a coffee shop once. It was difficult to sift through all that information. Yes, there is the "hide" feature, but how do you censor your life like that? You can't simply mute people in real-life... and if I needed to do that on Facebook, it convicted me that it was unnecessary and almost inhumane. Real people were being reduced to 1's and 0's to sort through and categorize. All the while, more and more of my energy was spent on creating the perfect picture of myself to present. Just the right profile picture—something a little artsy, but not too serious as to be pretentious. Make sure to keep the status updates flowing, preferably something ambiguous, but clever—the more comments I could draw, the more important and valued I felt. But it's so deceitful! Comments rarely contained anything worthwhile, just drive-by remarks or the proverbial "high-five" in the form of a Like. All the while, I spent more and more time trying to illicit a continual flow of cyber-affirmation, which fails to substitute for an in-person conversation over coffe, or laughing til your sides hurt during a movie with a good friend or posing a real heart-level question that can only be answered with the silent companionship of someone who understands.

I'm not at all saying Facebook is evil. I'm sure many of you reading this could offer warranted critiques that I'm throwing out the baby with the bathwater or that I shouldn't be so quick to write off internet communications as a valid medium of connection. And I wouldn't—for you or someone you know. For me, and for how I was using Facebook, it was narcissistic on my part and simply took time away from the people around me in real life.

And so, that brings me back to blogging. Until I feel like I have uncluttered my life enough to have the extra time to write, I don't want to waste your time with partially thought-out ramblings. You have enough information in a day to sort through, categorize, process and consume. We're all busy. I'd rather have a phone conversation with the 14 of you (followers of this blog) every once in a while, than try to keep this blog "current" by impersonally divulging myself out-of-context of the relationship that we have.

I am learning that, in some sense, we only exist in relation to each other. The internet has created this pseudo-reality where we can exist and project ourselves out of that context, as individuals. We can craft this identity that has no real traction to anything or anyone. It's just this idea of ourselves that we're trying to construct. And I think by doing so, we're slowly robbing ourselves of the ability to love each other and be truly human. At least, I was. So I'm giving this blog a rest. Let's talk soon instead...

Flickr

2011-02-04T13:59:00.001-05:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Where Did Religion Come From?

2010-12-01T09:37:00.000-05:00

"Where did the first caveman or cavewoman get the idea that somebody, somewhere existed who needed to be worshiped, appeased, and followed? And how did the idea evolve that if you didn't say, do, or offer the right things, this being would be upset, agitated, or even angry with you?

Where did religion come from" - Rob Bell

(Disclaimer: Whether or not Rob Bell believes we evolved from cavemen, which I don't think he does, his questions are from the perspective of someone who believes in evolution and aimed at the natural question of where any idea of a god came from. Don't get hung up on his use of the word caveman.)

This is the exact question that sticks in my mind when I hear the argument that man invented God. I'm not trying to belittle those that use this line of thinking. I just don't understand it. I don't get how humans, if we evolved (which I don't believe we did), invented the supernatural or transcendent. When the universe is explained as a result of chance, molecules randomly colliding to create life, and that everything is knowable through science, or at least explainable through natural processes, that raises two very important questions for me.

Firstly, this line of thinking necessitates the non-existence of miracles and anything supernatural, really. There is a lot in this universe that doesn't make sense, and I'm not sure there's a very logical way for them to explain those things away in light of their science-oriented worldview.

Secondly, this poses a problem for where the idea of God came from. If, in fact, there is no God, nothing supernatural outside of the physical existence we know and sense around us, if everything is just molecules and processes and natural laws, etc., how did man make up the concept of this unseen "being" that made everything and is somehow affected by our choices (i.e. that a Being's anger would be appeased by the killing of an animal, etc.)? If reality has no supernatural in it, only natural, how did natural processes conjure up the idea of something supernatural? That's like the character in a book becoming aware of its character-hood and wondering about the author who's writing the story.

I think the Bell quote above is from an ad or description of a video series he did. I'm curious to hear where he goes with it.

On Being Fully Human

2010-11-30T11:26:00.000-05:00

What does it mean to be fully human? I came across the phrase recently and only then did it really stick out to me, that I'd been hearing that phrase a lot lately, in video clips, sermons, books and online articles. So many sources referencing the gospel of Jesus Christ, alluding to the fact that part of the essence of the gospel, salvation or God's redemptive plan is to restore fallen humanity to the good state that God created it in.

As with most things that sound "too good to be true", it makes me want to look into it more. I have the tendency to be initially skeptical of novel or non-traditional things that might feel comforting in general. So that makes me curious about two things.

1. Is the concept Biblical in nature? Does the Bible use the phrase "fully human"? If not, is that simply semantics or interpretation, and does the Bible describe what it means to be "fully human" as we would explain that in our time? Or is that just a new phraseology to describe humanity-as-God-designed-it-to-be? I assume, based on the character and context of what people seem to mean when they use the phrase, that being fully human is, in some measure, part of what God's redemptive plan includes. I'd still like to flesh that out more. Is being "fully human" a similar phrase to Jesus' statement of His purpose, to bring us "abundant life" or life to the full? Etc...

2. To what extent can we become fully human in this life? What are the means to grow in that direction? Discipleship... Devotion... Obedience... What is God's role in the process? If it is a process, what can we legitimately expect to experience along the way?

I've been reading in Devotional Classics, and one of the classical authors referenced being fully human, which sparked this post. In my experience, we typically talk about being a good Christian versus a good human. It seems we think of Christian morality as a subset, a higher plateau, of regular morality. I don't think we equate being a good Christian with being a good human being. Like a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle is not necessarily a square, I think we think that someone might be a "good person" in a general sense, but we wouldn't call them a "good Christian" unless certain other things were true of them. Does that make sense? But from that, it seems that we have forgotten, on some level, what it means to be human, which is why the phrase "being fully human" stood out to me. Almost by implication that being human is a bad thing, stained with sin, etc. So, that's why, the news that the gospel might mean that God's plan is to redeem humanity, to restore us to His intended design for humanity, sounds like such good news.

What does it really mean to be fully human? What did God intend for us? What does God desire for us now, post-Fall and post-Christ's Incarnation? In light of the eternal salvation we believe we've received through God's grace and mercy, by faith in Jesus, how should we then live? What is the essence of what our time left here on the Earth was intended look like?

In Light of the Incarnation

2010-11-19T14:56:00.000-05:00

As Christmas approaches, which feels crazy to acknowledge, I've been thinking about Advent. Thinking about what makes Christmas special. As my thoughts naturally turn towards Jesus' Incarnation, taking on human flesh to execute God's redemptive plan, I used the phrase "worth rescuing" in my mind and I've been stuck on that for a couple of days now.

Were we worth rescuing? Or is Jesus' Incarnation just an altruistic deed that makes Him look really selfless, though somewhat naive? Was there anything in it for Him, in that, does it just make Him look gracious and merciful or did being restored to us mean something more to Him because of who we are to Him?

Seems like an innocent enough question, but I know the theological implications run deep and in two fairly opposite directions.

One could say, no, we aren't worth rescuing, but that's what grace is. Our unworthiness, that we don't deserve to be rescued nor do we possess anything intrinsically worth rescuing, only proves to heighten and magnify God's mercy and kindness towards us. There's some truth in there...

And there's the other side of it, somewhat reactionary to the idea above, that we must have some intrinsic worth that God deemed worth rescuing. Otherwise, we should have a very low view of all humanity. Not that we can live perfectly and put God in our debt, or that God even needs us somehow. But if God chose to redeem us, to rescue us, that must say something about who we are. Doesn't it?

I'm not sure where I am on this yet. The Baptist upbringing I had leaves plenty of fodder for the "total depravity" of humanity track. Lots of Bible verses speak of an underlying fallen-ness. But something in that feels very depressing. It makes God's love seem kind of stupid. Like marrying a rapist. Or adopting a 17-year old pedophile. There might, somehow, be something noble and selfless about it, but it clashes with some deep sense of reality. The deep "unworthiness" of the rapist or pedophile receiving that love in that imaginary situation prevents any real intimacy, and selfless love doesn't change who they are... I guess on some level, this is all about unconditional love...

Do we love someone based on what they do?
That seems silly and not very much like love...

Do we love them based on who we know they truly are, an image-bearer of God?
This seems to give a reason to love, because of a deeper reality of their intrinsic worth...

Or do we love them because it's the loving thing to do, despite the fact they have no worth at all?
Which is how God's love seems when "total depravity" is pushed to its limit and our sinfulness is touted as the deepest, truest thing about us.

I don't want to push the point, because I know there's some potential for pride and self-glorification that is inherent in humanity, apparently. Part of the message of Jesus seems to be choosing others before ourselves, not fighting for our own exultation. So, I do want to be careful. But the flip-side, when our unworthiness is magnified to make much of the Cross of Jesus, it makes the implication that there's nothing about me that God values—He just is a really nice God who wants to be loving.

Yes, "God so loved the world", but the question whispers, "Yeah... but does God love ME?" Because if God views you and I just as a face in a sea of people and loves us all the same, in some group mercy project way, can we really tell people that God loves them personally? And can you really have a "relationship with God" if you don't have any worth at all? If you are a disease-carrying sewer rat, what does it change if a little girl wants you for a pet? Total depravity, when pushed too far, seems like it would turn evangelism, which is supposed to be good news, into:

"Hey man, you do realize that you're like a disease-ridden sewer rat to God, right? Or like a used tampon? You're filthy to Him. But He 'loves' you, you know?"

Something about that doesn't feel right... That, as love, doesn't make sense... Can you imagine a marriage proposal, from bended knee, "You're horribly ugly, annoying and cruel. You're an awful human being, and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you. Not because there's some deep hidden beauty in you, nor am I psychotic, I just really want to do something selfless, because that's the kind of person I am... I don't really want to marry YOU, I just want to marry anyone that doesn't deserve to be married to me. Will you marry me?"

Should that girl think of his proposal as good news? And what if she really WAS that kind of a woman?

What are your thoughts, readers? How do you see our depravity and what do you make of Jesus' Incarnation and what it means for who you are to Him?

Learning from Toy Story

2010-09-27T11:29:00.001-04:00

Church yesterday was really good. My friend spoke about how we tend to find our identities and value in various things—our occupation and career, a significant other, our strengths, etc. But what happens when we're laid off? Or a loved one dies? Or we lose abilities that we once had? I won't just regurgitate everything he said, but the parallel he used to finish his talk was extremely powerful.

He mentioned the scene in Toy Story (the first movie), when Buzz has that catastrophic moment when everything crumbled. Buzz thought he had been a powerful space ranger, saving the galaxy from a great evil. But it turns out he is just a toy. Despondent, numb, Buzz lost all desire to do anything. But Woody tells Buzz the profound truth, that he wasn't just a toy. He was Andy's toy. He was loved and wanted. He belonged to someone and was considered special. All he had to do was look at the name written on his foot, in permanent marker. He was Andy's.

That's a ridiculously powerful realization. I think almost all of us can understand and appreciate the idea and feeling of being loved. We give and receive that from each other in our best moments. We know that that's like, even if we've had a lot of experiences of the opposite. We just don't normally let it sink in... And life can whisper lies to us about our worth. But the reality is that we aren't "just a human". We're not nobody's. We're somebody's. We belong to God, in the best sense of the word. He loves us and has written His name on our foot, in permanent marker. For the moments we forget that, maybe we need to keep a copy of Toy Story in the DVD player. We need to be reminded, constantly, of whose we are. Everything in our culture seems to be pushing us to be independent and self-reliant and capable of doing life without needing to rely on anything or anyone, that our worth is in what we can do, or how well we can marry, or what accolades we can accomplish.

Those things can be stripped away. The Name that's been written on our feet can't be. Let's all remember who we belong to and receive that love from God. That's at the heart of what the gospel and Christianity is all about, I think. Loving God from our hearts, in light of His great love for us.

Tree of Life

2010-09-14T16:59:00.000-04:00

The first three chapters of the first book of the Bible are hard to understand, difficult to interpret. There's mythological imagery throughout, yet later books of the Bible refer to the stories and images while drawing theologically important analogies and implications through them. I feel ill-equipped with my modern/post-modern way of thinking to understand or pull value from myths. I'm not suggesting that Genesis is just another myth of how the world began, simply acknowledging that it has a lot of same literary style and imagery that other similar how-the-world-began myths employ.

So that leads me to my current question. What was the Tree of Life that Moses mentioned in Genesis? (It's also mentioned in Revelation 2:7)

True, it's not an incredibly practical question. Maybe no deep theological issue hangs in the balance here, but it got me thinking and... well, you know what happens when I get thinking.

The Bible says there were two trees in the center of the Garden of Eden. A Tree of Life and a Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Adam and Eve were allowed to eat from any tree, but God told them not to eat from the latter tree. They disobeyed and brought death/decay/curse on the rest of humanity that followed them. Upon "learning" about what they had done, God has a conversation with Himself via the Trinity and says in the third chapter of the book, in the 22 verse, "Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever—" and proceeded to banish Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden and stationed an angelic being with a flaming sword to keep them from returning.

Here are my questions as I attempt to make sense of this story.

Would Adam and Eve have lived forever before they ate from the Knowledge tree? If yes, was that because that's what humanity was designed for or was it because they were eating from the Tree of Life? If not, is that why the Tree of Life was put there, to be a source of ever-lasting life, immortality for them?

What if, after they had eaten from the Knowledge Tree, they had been allowed to eat from the Tree of Life? Or what if they had eaten from it before God kicked them out? They would have lived forever, according to God, but... in what kind of state? It seems that eating from that Tree of Life might have had the same effect as the salvation that comes to humanity through Jesus Christ?

I'm not sure there's much answer to this question. I don't get what the Tree of Life was doing prior to the Fall. I assume they hadn't eaten from it before eating from the other Tree (of Knowledge)... Otherwise, does that mean the Knowledge Tree's effect canceled the effect of eating the Tree of Life first?

Is this a literal story? Is this some kind of myth that God used to explain things to Moses and the early humans? I'm okay with saying that we won't always understand things, but I think it's valuable for us as Christians to question these things with the hope of finding answers.

Disciples vs. Christians

2010-08-24T08:41:00.007-04:00

After reading some excerpts from Dallas Willard today, I am faced with a new question. Am I a disciple of Jesus Christ? It's extremely easy to call myself a Christian. It has become such a loosely defined term that, while it can bring up strong negative stereotypes for some, generally doesn't cause much offense or reaction. Most people would loosely consider someone a Christian if they go to church, believe in Jesus and try to be a good person. Obviously, from within the church, arguments will arise about who's really in and who's really out, but that's not exactly what has my internal wheels spinning. Willard mentioned that the word Christian is mentioned 3 times in the New Testament and the word disciple is used over 250 times (and when Christian is used, it is always referring to those disciples). Am I really a disciple of Jesus?

There's something to the word disciple, as opposed to Christian, that makes me hesitate just a bit before claiming I am one. I want to be honest with myself and have integrity between what I say and how I live, so the question becomes then, what is a true disciple of Jesus Christ? Am I really attempting to live every day, every moment to be more like Jesus? Have I really surrendered my will and dreams and reputation, to be willing and obedient to anything and everything that Jesus is asking me to do? Or is Jesus an add-on to my life? Is God and Christianity just a hobby? A lifestyle? A luxury? An emotional crutch for when life gets tough? A vending machine to dispense blessings and safety and comfort on my life?

I don't want to assume that Jesus is Lord of my life if I'm not actively seeking to be obedient in everything. It's easy for me, growing up in church for so long, to call myself a Christian and just go about doing what I've learned are "Christian things". While there are all kinds of variations on what being a "Christian" in this culture means, being a "disciple" of Jesus Christ seems to have more weight to it; it sounds more costly. Something you can't fake, something beyond a label. Maybe we don't have anything similar in our culture to draw an analogy from, but as I understand it from basic first-century Judaism, being a disciple was this immersing experience of becoming an apprentice of someone, training and learning to become just like them. Generally speaking, it's easy to become a Christian—say a prayer that acknowledges you truly believe some specific truths from the Bible, particularly that God saves us by His grace, and you can call yourself a Christian. I know that there is more to it than that, so please don't misunderstand. I'm speaking broadly across how evangelical Christianity is presented. Being a disciple, on the other hand, is hardly talked about. We tell people they can escape hell, but we don't tell them the high cost of what it means to follow Christ on a daily basis. Maybe that's because we aren't paying that high cost ourselves? Do we really know what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ?

I guess what is convicting and challenging to me is understanding that becoming a disciple is a choice and a commitment. At times in my life, I wonder if God is just another voice of authority, as opposed to THE voice of authority in my life. Have I really committed to listening to, obeying, trusting, pursuing God first? Do all my choices and actions stem from that first allegiance? Or do I only obey when it is convenient?

I don't feel guilt-ridden as I type this. This feels more like being on a wide path, and glancing to the left and seeing this really narrow path that goes off into the woods. Something in me knows that true freedom and joy and peace and a meaningful life is not found on the wide, easy road of Christianity—the version of it where you're basically just a nice person who goes to a church and believes in Jesus. I feel like I've been living that life, walking that path for most of my journey through Christianity, and I'm just beginning to wonder if the abundant life that Jesus offers requires a true dying to myself, taking up my cross and following Jesus out of the Christian bubble and into a life characterized by deep devotion to Jesus Christ, above and before anything and everything else.

Ruts, Routine and Relationship

2010-08-12T11:50:00.002-04:00

Just read an article over on Relevant Magazine, entitled "How To Get Out of A Devotional Rut" and it was one of those moments where you have the decision to write it off as coincidence or see it as a loving God communicating to you what you needed to hear.

The article referenced Jesus' words from John 5:39, 40:

"You study the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them you possess eternal life. These are the very Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life. "

Ouch. Approaching Scripture because of what I can "get out of it". Assessing its value based on whether or not it "works" or "did anything when I read it". The whole thing is convicting, though potentially so life-giving. The ruts seem to come often for me, when I finish reading a book or some study, and then don't know where to read next. My arrogance and familiarity with the Bible leave me complaining, "I've read it all before, and it didn't...", insert whatever there. Didn't make me holy. Didn't solve my problems. Didn't heal my pain. Didn't tell me what to do in a specific situation. It's no wonder that the ruts are so hard to get out of. If I am approaching the Bible because I think I'm supposed to read it, or thinking it's a magic self-help book to spiritual enlightenment, I'm doomed to fall into the same patterns. I think I've approached the Bible much too pragmatically, as if it's the handbook for proper Christian behavior. And once you've been living in Christian circles for years, read the Bible for decades, if behavior modification was the goal, then yeah, there's no reason for continuing reading it. If I understand the rules of baseball, I don't need to keep re-reading the rulebook. I know when I don't follow the rules or make an error. But once you've read the rules, the rulebook isn't necessary, except for occasionally glancing back to when unique situations present themselves and it isn't instantly clear what the rule is. But maybe, just maybe, the Bible was never intended to be a book of rules.

All bets are off if the Bible is more than that. Relationships are unpredictable, spontaneous and require attention and care to preserve and maintain. I know there isn't a formula, or a specific set of questions to ask, but I wonder if it would be help to begin every encounter with Scripture with asking God to reveal Himself, and to end every reading with reflection and meditation on how what we've just read shapes or refines who we understand God to be. Not approaching the Bible for a new principle to apply to help us arrive spiritually, not looking for better defenses against bad theology, not looking for a spiritual pick-me-up when we've had a hard week, but instead, coming to the Bible hungry to just know a little bit more about this God who created us and loves us deeply and longs for us to be close with Him.

I know I have fallen into the routine of reading, the rut of being too familiar with the Bible and losing sight of finding Christ in it. This article was meat in due season, as a good friend says. I'm convicted, encouraging and excited to read the Bible with this renewed perspective...

The Foundations of Our Faith—Part 2: Fear of Commitment

2010-08-07T18:41:00.004-04:00

As I've continued to read in "God in the Dark" by Os Guinness, I've become stuck. The last chapter I read, about a particular type of doubt that can creep into a believer's life, has given me some kind of epiphany and I don't feel like I can keep reading without processing and doing something with what I've read.

The chapter was about the type of doubt that arises from a lack of commitment. Guinness gave the illustration of a contract that has been drawn up, all the terms outlined and explained. Everything is ready to go, except for the one thing that makes it binding—a signature. He said that without the conviction and confidence of aligning yourself to what you believe, what you are reasonably convinced of as the truth about reality, a certain type of doubt creeps in that paralyzes you. As I thought about that more, I realized that this chapter hit the nail on the head for me. I was exposed. I've been a typically indecisive, go-with-the-flow kind of person for a long time. I thought that was merely a character trait, an aspect of my personality. But I'm realizing that it's a subtle form of fear. I've been afraid to want anything, afraid to choose, afraid to commit. The "what ifs" have controlled my life. What if she doesn't like me back? What if they think it was a dumb idea? What if no one else is on board? What if I try this and fail? What if I give it everything I have and what I have isn't enough? And so, to somehow remove myself from the responsibility of choosing, deceiving myself into thinking I'd be immune from the effects, I began to let life happen to me. I'm not sure when that happened, if it was a particular situation or a pattern that formed. Either way, I started preferring that other people make decisions for me, trusting their wisdom, their motives, their vision. Along the way, I think I lost sight of who I was, with only a vague echo of discontentment bouncing around the edges of my personality. Something's been missing...

It's been pretty eye-opening.

I see this playing out in my faith in God (as the book primarily deals with), but also in dating relationships, friendships, career choices, etc. In areas of spirituality, I've leaned heavily to the side of grace, at the expense of truth at times, because truth scared me and it's much less confrontational to be gracious. Claiming to know the truth, rather, is what scared me. There's the chance I'd be wrong. To avoid that chance, succumbing to a false sense of humility, I preferred to have an "open mind" and say, "I think" rather than "I know". Eventually, that feels wishy-washy and powerless. There's nothing solid to stand on or give to people.

In relationships, it reared its head with the ever-present question, "Is this really what I want?" and most of the time, I knew the answer was "no", but couldn't get out from under the guilt of having entered a relationship without really being able to say that I knew that I wanted to be in it and pursuing it. I'm deeply grateful to be experiencing real freedom in this area... I'd get so crippled with anxiety and fear, unable to tell where the confusion was coming from. It was because I was afraid to choose! Afraid to be rejected or dumped, or afraid to be the one to break a heart... which, turns out, you can break hearts much more deeply when you aren't internally committed to the girl you're dating. Not that I cheated on any of them ever, but the hurt that I caused when suddenly everything they thought was true about what I wanted and how I felt toward them evaporated, when my internal confusion was exposed, there's a deep betrayal there that is pretty near crushing. And I never could figure out why it happened... I'd just try harder to be a "better boyfriend" next time... when the issue was just that I wasn't allowing my heart to be open and honest with how I felt, inwardly "committing" to it by allowing myself to feel and think it, rather than trying to keep it all loose and tentative... It's really cool to be seeing God transforming this area of my life already...

I'm not going to keep going into all the various ways I can see this affecting things. I feel as though I've turned a corner. My prayers feel more intentional and dependent, asking God for the clarity and wisdom to see my options, but then have the courage and trust in His grace and love to make decisions without fear, and then see them through. Keeping an open-mind is a great thing, but in the words of... someone that Guinness quoted in the chapter, the open mind is like an open mouth and it was intended to close on something solid.

I think there's a subtle strain of divine distrust in many Christian circles. There's a fear of God that is taught and practiced that alludes to God as a vindictive judge, waiting to strike us down when we step out of line or mess up. I'm not saying God is a senile grandfather and it doesn't matter what we do, but I'm beginning to believe deeply that God is a loving Father, who desires His children to trust His love for them and wants them to play well together, create and explore the beautiful backyard—build forts, make up imaginary games, and scribble outside the lines to make refrigerator art—not cower in fear of doing the wrong thing, to the point of paralysis... If we trusted this was God's heart toward us, I think we'd spend less time wringing our hands to find "God's will for our lives" and spend more time enjoying life, loving the faces right in front of us and spend a lot more time whispering prayers of thanks for life and beauty and friendships and love. We'd be less imprisoned by people's disapproval of us, less threatened by the fear of failure and full of a freedom and courage that would seem really compelling and attractive to a world that seems to be so scared and afraid to be themselves.

I know I have a lot to learn, but I'm grateful for this realization. I'm looking forward to seeing the fruit that comes with trusting God more deeply, fearing things less and learning to live and love with freedom, confidence and the commitment of knowing what is true, to the best of my ability with the knowledge I have so far, and living from that...

The Television Commercial

2010-07-22T07:34:00.003-04:00

From "Amusing Ourselves to Death" by Neil Postman:

"Indeed we may go this far: The television commercial is not at all about the character of products to be consumed. It is about the character of the consumers of products. Images of movie stars and famous athletes, of serene lakes and macho fishing trips, of elegant dinners and romantic interludes, of happy families packing their station wagons for a picnic in the country—these tell nothing about the products being sold. But they tell everything about the fears, fancies and dreams of those who might buy them. What the advertiser needs to know is not what is right about the product but what is wrong about the buyer. And so, the balance of business expenditures shifts from product research to market research. The television commercial has oriented business away from making products of value and toward making consumers feel valuable, which means that the business of business has now become pseudo-therapy. The consumer is a patient assured by pseudo-dramas."

Working in the graphic design/web design/marketing/advertising industry, this hits so close to home. It's an interesting point and crucial to understanding how television commercials, in particular, have reshaped the way products are advertised, the way we see ourselves and the way businesses need to operate in order to be successful. On the one hand, realizing this can make you an amazingly effective advertiser, due to the cultural landscape that TV has influenced so deeply. On the other, it is a bit discouraged to realize, how nearly irreparable the damage is to how we do business and how our view of ourselves is constantly being attacked, undermined and distorted by the proposition put forth in commercials. We're constantly being sold the reality that we aren't enough as we are, and that a particular product on the screen can make us worthwhile and happy. That seems a dangerous state of affairs...

Interesting Article on Relationships

2010-07-20T13:41:00.002-04:00

Here's the link to the article "How to find 'The One'" on Relevant Magazine...

And the part I thought was interesting:

If you are not in a relationship ...
We feel it’s crucial to realize that no matter whom you marry, you will most likely have the same personal issues you did before marriage. It can feel like marriage is the answer to making everything in your life right, but in our experience, marriage tends to amplify problems, not solve them.

Instead of believing in this romantic fallacy, take stock of where you are personally. Consider your emotions, past, family, talents, dreams, hobbies, struggles, spirituality, sexuality and employment. Striving to make these areas healthy will not necessarily lead to finding a husband/wife. However, exerting yourself toward wholeness brings confidence, peace and contentment. These traits are very attractive and if you do find a relationship, they will go a long way in making that relationship thrive. [emphasis mine]

I thought they struck a healthy, logical balance between the "just focus on yourself" mentality versus the "gotta-find-my-soulmate!" outlook. The goal being wholeness. The article did a good job of succinctly pointing out that wholeness doesn't equal "in a relationship", which I think is a typical mindset, that if you can just fall in love, then everything else will sort itself out. It is a sobering thought, to accept the reality that marriage isn't a magic trick, a shortcut to wholeness and godliness. It turns the attention away from what falling in love and marrying someone will do for you to what you are bringing to a relationship, to offer and give and sacrifice. Francis Chan said once, paraphrasing of course, that no divorce ever happened because a spouse was serving the other too much, that they were too selfless. The problem with relationships, it seems, is that we are looking to others to be for us something we are lacking, and that instantly puts unfair expectations on them. So, I think the article above did a great job of prescribing an understanding of relationships that will hopefully allow two single people to enter into a relationship on healthy, solid footing and not the selfish sand that plunges marriages into the sea of divorce when two imperfect humans start disappointing each other's unfair and unspoken expectations.

On The Go: Christian Sentences

2010-07-15T18:16:00.002-04:00

I've been wrestling lately with what it means to have a relationship with God. That is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot, and I find myself constantly trying flesh out what that means and looks like. I'm curious, though, if maybe that phrase is a poor one , an inadequate one, and does more to confuse, rather than support, our pursuit of God. Because don't we all have a relationship to God as His creation? Do prayers float off to space, unheard, if they fall from the lips of someone "without a relationship with Jesus"? Or is it just semantics? Have we fallen into a trap of using a kind of religious language, "Christian sentences" if you will, of explaining our faith that cheapens or distorts what's really going on? Or, am I being too hard on the phrase, missing the idea that perhaps "You need a relationship with Jesus" is just a new way of saying, "Unless you are born again, you can't enter into the kingdom"? I'm cautious to say that analogy works, because one is scripture and the other is a fairly modern idiosyncrasy of Western Christianity that I can't objectively understand, because I've grown up with this language all around me.

Any thoughts, readers?

Learning From Young Children

2010-06-30T19:58:00.004-04:00

A short post about something I've been considering lately.

It is almost second nature to assume, when we hear "Be sure your sin will find you out" or similar mentalities, that the thing God notices the most when He sees us is our sin.

Do you tend to think that way? Do you feel most aware of what God is thinking about you in moments of sin or immediately after?

I wonder this, because as I've been around parents of young children lately, I've realized something that I never noticed before, and will probably be much more keenly aware of once or if I have children some day. Parents are constantly clapping and whooping and praising children with "Good girl!" and the like. Parents seem to take deep joy in the little accomplishments, the little victories, the new skills as they form. What if God views us this way? What if the parental love that exists towards children is only a shadow of the Original Parent? What if God is cheering for us when we grit our teeth and resist the urge to tailgate the person who just cut us off? Or when Facebook is offering one of those "Meet Hot Sexy Christian Singles" ads with a very immodestly clad Christian woman, but you refuse the temptation to click on it? Or when we sit down to pray, late at night when the day has sucked most of our energy away, or in the morning before our brains are even working, does His heart thrill that we are choosing to spend time with Him? What if God's over-arching sentiment towards us is excitement and joy and pleasure, rather than scorn, disappointment, frustration?

I think we, particularly as Christians, do a lousy job of encouraging and affirming the good qualities in each other and of drawing attention to the heart of God towards His children when it comes to good things. We're pretty quick to worry about quenching and grieving the Holy Spirit, but how much thought do we put towards making the Holy Spirit proud of us, like a father who beams at his son's home run or the way his daughter shares with a sibling when she doesn't realize she's being watched? We're extremely worried about not being prideful, we live under a false humility that refuses to acknowledge the good that God has created in us as His children or the positive reactions that God could be having the times when we aren't sinning.

I'm not talking about boasting in our own strength or thinking that we get brownie points with God for doing good things. Not at all. That's not the point and I think we know it. The point is to learn to trust God's heart towards us, and respond like children. To stop living as if God is only ever watching us with a raised whip, ready to crack us when we step out of line.

Hopefully, you don't see God this way. I'm learning not to, but I definitely picked up this mindset over the years and no one ever explicitly taught that God was like that. So, I imagine there are others of you out there that have had similar experiences and, when given the space to be honest, sometimes have a hard time really believing God likes you and doesn't think you're a big disappointment to Him.

And maybe He's smiling as we start to see the light of how He really sees us.

The Foundations of Our Faith—Part 1

2010-06-29T22:39:00.003-04:00

I'm reading God In The Dark by Os Guinness. It's about the assurance of faith beyond a shadow of a doubt, or so the subtitle reads. It's pretty good so far. At times, it feels a little too "black and white" for my taste, but I'm working on being patient with things like that.

I'm in chapter 5, entitled "No Reason Why Not" and I had one of those moments where I couldn't keep reading. Not because of disgust or confusion, but one of those moments when you're like, "I can't keep reading without dealing with what I've just read, not if I want to claim to be a person of integrity and honesty."

Guinness made the fairly innocuous comment, that we, as Christians, should "all examine the foundations of our faith." I'm not sure why it grabbed my attention so, but it did. He went on to list questions to ask and I want to write them out here, because I think it's going to be helpful for me to embark on another little quest, another experiment. Here were the questions he rattled off:

Why do we believe God is there?
Why do we believe God is good?
How do we know Jesus ever lived?
How do we know Jesus rose from the dead?
Why do we trust the authority of the Bible?
How do we understand that the Christian faith is true?
How would we answer a modern philosopher, a Freudian psychologist, the follower of an Indian guru, each of whom denies the truth of the Christian faith in a different way?

Honestly, I wasn't very interested in number 6 or 7. I suppose Guinness was progressing along a line of progressive "knowing", layers of presuppositions that were building on each other. Maybe not though—that's not the point I'm considering here.

On some level, my faith in God is definitely my own. I do so much over-thinking, questioning and doubting that I wouldn't be hanging onto this faith if it didn't hold water, if it was just something I was raised to believe. However, on the flip-side, I am, like everyone else, an initial prisoner of my own presuppositions. What I mean by that is that I will never be able to step outside of myself and check to make sure I'm on the right track in my thinking. I will never be able to explore the what-ifs of whether I had been born into a Hindu or Muslim family, would I be simply struggling to defend those faiths and understand what I truly believe, just like I am with this Christian faith? Since there is no measuring stick, no objective litmus test or questionnaire that I can take to ensure my beliefs are correct, I can only try to have integrity between myself and this idea of God that I can't escape (and don't want to).

I think I have taken many things for granted in my life. Several of them, such as God's existence and the trustworthiness of the Bible, are ridiculously foundational to all I claim to believe. Yet, when prompted by Guinness' questions on the matter, I found that I didn't have concrete answers for myself. Why DO I believe God exists? I say I do. And I'm not just saying it to convince you or myself. I really do. But, I haven't ever really considered why. Let me clarify, I haven't ever really considered why I personally believe that. "Strong answers to such questions are no substitute for faith," Guinness said. Lots of reading and college courses have given me a lot of strong answers to that and other questions, but I don't think I've always internalized them or examined them for myself, though I feel like I'd have plenty to offer a debate on the subject when it arose. Lately, I don't feel like that counts for much in any way that matters.

Maybe this is a do-over with God. I've already wrote about re-thinking prayer. That's been incredibly helpful to me. God doesn't need my fancy words. He wants honesty, vulnerability that implies trust in Him. That really resonates with me and I want to be faithful to that. However, I can't help but consider, "why?" Why do I believe God views us this way? Am I forming God in my homemade image? Or am I anthropomorphizing Him into characteristics that are just easier for me to understand? Am I committing heresy by loosely interpreting scripture in a way that makes more sense, or am I actually internalizing truths within it and personalizing them in a way that implies real faith and understanding?

I'm not throwing out the baby with the bath water. I've just reached a point where no one else's reasons or answers count for me. I can't hide behind a system or a religion, a church or a biblical worldview. Either I am interacting with the Almighty Creator of the universe or I've deceived myself into living in a safe little bubble that I've always known, content to build walls of toothpicks to protect me from a crushing tidal wave of reality.

So, forgive me if the posts taper off for awhile. I don't want to simply hash this out on the internet. I've realized this needs to be utterly personal and real to me, or I should stop dragging God's name through the mud. I'm going to work through these questions that Guinness posed, not so that I can pat myself on the back or feel superior to others in a religious conversation, but so that I begin to gain the settled confidence and humility of someone who doesn't have to pretend, or posture, or project anything other than the integrity of someone who knows, loves and interacts with the risen Jesus Christ.

This post feels extremely melodramatic, and for that, I apologize. This whole thing could be summarized with:

I read some good thought-provoking questions about God and the Bible that I don't think I've really ever taken the time to internalize, so rather than keep going through the motions in some sense, I really want to honor God and have integrity with myself and the world by taking the time to go through these questions slowly and come to some solid, personal convictions on these things, rather than always being somewhat tossed on the waves of my emotions and sensitivities to the doubts and questions of the world around me.

Hopefully, this is what the Bible means when it talks about searching for God with my whole heart...

Prayer... Simplified

2010-06-23T11:55:00.007-04:00

I'm doing an experiment, though not merely for curiosity's sake.

As I walk this journey of faith, I keep hitting seasons where I get stuck. "Spending time with God" feels artificial and forced, something I feel like I'm supposed to be doing, but find difficult to be consistent with. Part of that is allowing life to crowd out my awareness of God, including the sins of pride, impatience, worry, etc. But a large part of that is that I'm not coming to God honestly, as I am. There's a certain religiosity that I've been taught to approach God with. An unspoken formula that communicating with the Almighty God requires. I think I generally believe the "right" things—right doctrines have been articulated to me and reinforced for years, but the practice of communing with the Creator God has been sometimes less than experiential and even artificial.

First, there's the greeting, "Dear God," or "Dear Heavenly Father". Anything more elaborate than that feels a little showy, but anything less than that feels a little too flippant, you know? There are those who begin with "Daddy" or "Abba", exercising the liberty hinted at in Romans 8:15 and Galatians 4:6, but that can sound a bit cutesy or uncomfortable for those of us still under the thumb of spiritual propriety. Of course, the ending is crucial. Skip some variation of "in Jesus' name I pray, Amen" and it goes into God's spam folder or something. And during the pray itself can exist any number of silly phrases or anomalies that don't ever really occur when we're talking to another human. For instance, I do this all the time. "Lord, I pray for so-and-so... and ask that You would..." It just feels weird to me lately, the phrase, "I pray for" as I'm talking to God, as if God isn't aware that you are speaking to Him through prayer. And since, in reality, it's a synonym for "ask" or "want", it then seems redundant and wordy. Jesus had something to say about not making our prayers lengthy, but I do this so habitually. Another funny thing about the way I pray, and some of you might do this worse than I do, is how I keep repeating God's name while I pray, as if He's got ADD and I need to keep reminding Him that I'm still talking to Him. "God, we just ask, Lord, that You would be here with us, Father. Show us Your love, God." One concession here is that maybe I need to remind myself that I'm praying, drawing my attention back to the One I'm talking to, rather than letting my thoughts turn into a self-absorbed, spoken journal entry. It can still be a little overkill, though.

Now, I'm not judging anyone else in how they pray. If you do these things, like I have, there's nothing wrong with them at all. Everyone needs to communicate with God in way that resonates with how they're wired. I think this falls under the grace of God towards us, to come to Him as we are, without formula.

That said, I've realized I've fallen into mindless patterns of prayer that have weakened my experience of God. I say words and check off the box that I prayed for someone. So, I realized I need a change, desperately. Last night, as I went to bed, I tried to be honest with God. I thanked Him for the things I'm genuinely thankful for, the things that bring me joy without thinking about it first. I told Him that I was scared of some things and didn't exactly know what to ask for, but that He would help me experience Him more deeply and know Him better, so that I could trust Him a little more confidently, and asked Him to help me to be aware of those little things that I might normally have missed in that process. I talked to Him about some other stuff and as I got pretty tired, I said that.

"Yeah, God, I'm getting pretty tired. Thanks for listening tonight. Hopefully, it wasn't too weird for You. That's all I can think of for now. I'll talk to You in the morning. Thanks for loving me. Goodnight."

*EDIT: The main issue, I am realizing, is the sincerity and authenticity with which we approach God, more than the particular phrases we use or don't use.

What We Want

2010-06-11T08:08:00.004-04:00

Peter La Fleur (played by Vince Vaughn in Dodgeball) stated about having goals,

"I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal."

On one level, the first part of his statement is true. The second part, about how it feels, is not. It wouldn't feel phenomenal, it would just not feel anything, which, to Vaughn's character, is better than feeling anything bad.

I've been realizing lately, slowly, that I have inadvertently subscribed to La Fleur's life philosophy. The pain of disappointment or rejection has slowly taught me that it's safer not to try, not to risk, not to love. It creates a numbness, something akin to anesthesia, that clouds the way I see the world. Like going to the oral surgeon and getting happy gas. In the moment, it's a relief from pain. But it would be completely impossible to live the rest of your life well under that influence, because you wouldn't be there, present, engaging in the moment by moment details. I wonder if that's why I have such a poor memory generally? Maybe I'm under my own anesthetic fear-induced fog...

I'm not going to hash through all the reasons or experiences that may have fueled this fear-induced apathy, at least not on this blog (it might be helpful to sort through on my own). But I want to re-engage. I'm starting to see that the things worth having and doing are the things, inevitably, that will require something costly from me. They will take work. They will take tears. They will take risk and there will be failure in my attempts to succeed and experience those good things. For some of you, that's basic stuff. Common sense.

All this ultimately leads to the question, "What do I want?"*

For too long, I haven't allowed myself to dream, desire, hope for good things and be willing to strive and pursue them. When you don't know what you want, all the effort and energy that you put into something only feels wasted and draining, which slowly builds up as subtle ammunition, fueling the fires of resignation. Even if the effort succeeds, if it wasn't what I wanted, there was a sense of disappointment, confusion and betrayal. I had misunderstood that merely working hard at something would not make the attaining satisfying. And I never could figure out why, until over the past year or so, I began slowly seeing a correlation. I need to figure out what I want. And if I don't know, I need to put my energy into tearing down the things that keep me from dreaming and not do anything else until I'm free to. Most of you are pretty clear on things you want, I'd imagine. Maybe not, though, and that would be comforting to know I'm not alone. However, even if I'm just really slow to this thing that should be common sense, I feel like it's good to be realizing it and I want to give it my attention, because it definitely seems to have dominated the way I've lived for... a long time.

* Some of you might argue and say, "Your question should be, 'What does God want?'" and I can appreciate that idea. I'm operating out of the mindset that God, as our Father, has created us uniquely and intentionally, and desires us to be fully alive and fully ourselves. Some of you maybe struggle with knowing your desires too intimately and fighting for those against what you know God wants for you instead. Then, yes, your question should filled with that submission and humility, "What do you want, God?" Since I spend most of my time and energy trying to please people, not fail, avoid disappointing anyone, asking God what He wants does nothing to bring back to life the person He has created me to be. I think partially, God wants us to want things and feel safe in His love to pursue them and live well and love ridiculously. Like a Father with kids in the backyard kind of thing. No good parent tries to micro-manage the way their kids are playing—they simply enjoy watching their kids play well. So, while I do think it's a crucial question to ask—what God wants—for me, right now, that would be an irrelevant, Sunday-school answer to my issue of refusing to dream or set goals or pursue things out of fear of failure or disappointment. I need to know what I want, so that I FEEL the weight of hoping for something, submitting myself and trusting God, working hard to receive the prize of what I'm desiring, wrestling with the failures and successes that will no doubt follow. I feel like as I'm realizing this, God wants me to take the time and energy to figure out what I want and stop believing that what I want doesn't matter or will only bring disappointment, etc.

Life As A Story

2010-04-30T15:49:00.003-04:00

Do you believe your life is a story? What would your life look like on the big screen? Would people be bored by it? Would YOU be bored by it? Are you living in a way that will make for a good story?

And what is your reaction when I ask those questions? Are you defensive—do those questions seem irrelevant, naive? Too idealistic? That'd be nice if our lives were an exciting story, but let's face it, we have bills to pay, retirement to prepare for. Not everyone can have grand adventures and fun all the time.

Or is something in you stirred when you read those questions? Is there a longing, an aching for that to be true? That our lives matter and have the potential to be worth retelling?

Donald Miller, in his book, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, said that a story is, "a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it." That's what makes books and movies stand out to us. Those are the ones we remember. And if you probe that idea deeper, questioning why we resonate so deeply with a good story, you see glimpses of God as the Great Story-teller. Perhaps the reason we resonate so deeply with good stories is because that's what human existence was meant for. Maybe we weren't meant to plod through life, avoiding discomfort, trying to achieve some measure of safety and happiness and make it through until the end. If that was the plot of a movie, we'd barely make it past the first 15 minutes.

I'm beginning to wonder if we really are part of a larger Story and if each of our lives are a dramatic subplot in God's great Tale. We're each the main character of our lives, within the larger plot of God's Story. Will we be courageous, or will we settle for what's safe? Will we be greedy, or will we sacrifice for love and honor?

Can we step back from our day-to-day lives and realize that each moment, each decision we are faced with has the potential to make us more like a hero or more like a villain...? Perhaps there is a whole host of heaven, watching our stories unfold, turning each page in anticipation, to see what we will do next—will we rise from our defeats? Will we shrink back in fear from situations that bested us in the past? Will we risk new adventures and pursue what's in our hearts, that which has the potential to make us truly come alive—or will succumb to the pressures around us, and live a safe, controlled life?

I don't want to just type words. I want this to be true of me. At the end of my life on this earth, will I be able to look back with fondness, with pride and gratitude for a life well-lived, spent on love and relationships, conquering challenges and embracing changes? Will my story be worth retelling?

Will yours? If you can't answer, "Yes", with confidence, what needs to change for that to be true?

Walking By the Spirit

2010-04-29T22:42:00.002-04:00

I realize that some of these blog posts are really focused on Christian theological issues, so I hope that isn't boring or confusing to anyone not from a christian background. In any case...

As I've been wrestling with the tension of being a Christian and still sinning, I feel like I've made some internal headway. Things feel a little clearer. One of the biggest answers to my questions is the reality that God gives His Spirit to those who are His children, followers of Christ. The solution to the sin problem is not trying harder. The solution is walking by the Spirit.

That is at once comforting and daunting. The answer, the direction and clarity it brings, is a start, but it only brings the follow-up question. How do we walk by the Spirit of God? Obviously, walking is a synonym for living in this case (since there are times we must sit and lie down). So, what does it mean to live by the Spirit and how do we pursue that for our lives?

We have the verses in the book of Galatians, telling us what the fruit of the Spirit are. Fruit, in this case, is what plants produce when they are functioning properly—through good soil, water, sun, maybe fertilizer (all-natural, of course). Jesus alluded to that a lot—or at least once or twice that I remember. Good trees produce good fruit. Bad trees can only produce bad fruit. So, for us, the fruit of a life properly fed and nourished by and dependent on God's Spirit will produce:

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

So that makes sense—there's a litmus test, if you will. If my life isn't really exhibiting these characteristics consistently, I think it's a good sign I'm not living by the Spirit.

So, how do we live by the Spirit of God?

I don't have a solid answer for that yet. I haven't done much research beyond this, but this feels like a start. And also, as cliché as it might sound, spending time alone with God seems to be the obvious answer...

"Living by the Spirit" is such an odd concept, you know? Outside of scripture and the Christian bubble, doesn't it sound weird? The word spirit either makes you think of a ghost or our souls. And the phrase "living by..." something immediately makes me finish that with "a set of rules". I live by my convictions. You live by your principles. When we say that, we're saying, our actions are guided and constrained by some parameters... Our actions and choices are limited by something outside ourselves, even if it's just what we have determined as good and evil actions.

So, maybe living by the Spirit really implies that the Spirit of God is our constant constraining influence? An on-going, personal interaction with the Spirit of God to help guide and direct our lives, allowing the Spirit to be our limits and motivation? The Apostle Paul continually contrasts the Law and the Spirit... and if I think of it that way, it makes much more sense.

This may seem somewhat elementary, so forgive me for hashing this out on this blog. Once I get a particular question in my head, a tension that won't rest, I have to stick with it until it resolves itself. That might not mean I have a direct answer, but simply that the conflict or tension eases enough with a better understanding of why the tension was there and how I should live in light of it.

Miller On Confidence

2010-04-29T13:44:00.002-04:00

The Real Way God Gives You Confidence

Just read that. Donald Miller speaks with deep wisdom and practicality that is freeing. I may stop blogging and just quote from his blog.

I'll add one thought, somewhat of a tangent, that is from conversations with friends in the past. If you ask God for patience, how would you know you were patience unless you were in the midst of a situation that has the deep potential to make you impatient?

If we aren't in the midst of a situation that threatens to make us afraid and anxious, how would we know whether or not we were courageous?

So, apart from experiences that typically result in insecurity and cowardice, how would we know we were confident?

Strange how certain virtues are only noticeable when contrasted with the reality of weakness. So that begs the question of whether we should continually plead with God to make our lives easier, safer and more comfortable. Those characteristics don't strengthen us, change us or make us better. Maybe we should spend more energy seeking to be made more whole in the midst of our circumstances, rather than constantly wishing our circumstances were different and better.

I'm sure there are ways to abuse that thought, or push it to an unhealthy end, but I know it is challenging for me to consider. Maybe God allows difficult things in our lives for the express, loving purpose of making us better, making us more mature, making us more confident.

(And please don't misunderstand. I'm not saying God intentionally allows someone to be raped or tortured because He's trying to teach them a lesson. Violence and evil at the hands of men, I think, is just that. It is evil, against God's will and He hates it. God may choose to bring good from it in this life, in His wisdom and mercy, but I think it is dangerous, disrespectful and wrong to incorrectly tell people that God has a reason for the tragedy forced on them. We need to be more careful when throwing our theology around insensitively. When people are hurting, suffering, they don't need doctrinal theories. They need hope and they need to hear the truth that God has not turned a blind eye to their suffering and He will make things right, if not in this life, definitely in the life to come. And only in trusting that He WILL make all things right, will our cry of "That's not fair!" be satisfied.)

So much for not posting!

Still Confused About Romans 7

2010-04-21T22:21:00.003-04:00

The small group from my church that I go to has been studying the book of Romans. We're using a study guide by John MacArther. (You can read Romans 7 over on BibleGateway.com) I'm not a huge fan of the study guide, because MacArther is coming from a very traditional/fundamentalist view, or so it seems. Too much emphasis on our sinfulness, in my opinion.

Now, I get it. We sin. We aren't perfect. I'm not arguing that. But, in trying to have a right understanding, a correct interpretation of scripture—or at least a fairly accurate one—I am faced with a tension in Romans 7 that I am really having a hard time wrapping my mind around.

My ultimate question in all of this, instead of doing my normal rambling post, is what happens to our "sin nature" after we decide to surrender ourselves to God, trusting Him for salvation and committing to following Him? We were slaves to sin. But now... are we still? If not, why do we keep sinning? And if we're no longer slaves to sin, like Paul says, then why can't we live perfectly for the rest of our lives, leaving us free to enjoin unbroken fellowship and communion with God?

What do you guys think? I will probably post a follow-up post in the near future, but I've tried posting more here and my thoughts are very divergent and tangential. I'm not really sure those are the right adjectives... but it's fun to attempt to use big words. My thoughts feel scattered. I can't wrap my head around what's causing such angst when I read Romans 7...

Rethinking Slavery

2010-04-13T10:10:00.002-04:00

Let me clarify. I'm not suggesting re-instituting slavery as we've known it in our country's history or anything. I'm talking about thinking biblically and taking the time to wrestle God's word out of the context we read into it.

When we think of slavery, we think of oppression. Forced labor. Ownership of human life. And something in us rightfully cries out, "That's not right!" Humans weren't meant to own each other. We were created as equals, fellow image-bearers of our all-wise, kind Creator. But our fall from grace as a human species has caused all sorts of distortions and perversions and horrors. And so, it is completely understandable that we instinctively think of slavery as a bad thing. Add to that our fierce independence as Americans, prizing liberty and personal freedom over most other pursuits, and you have a real recipe for anger and misunderstanding when you come to a passage in Romans, like chapter 6, quoted here in the English Standard Version:

^"15What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! ¹⁶Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? ¹⁷But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, ¹⁸and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. ¹⁹ I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification. ²⁰ For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. ²¹ But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. ²²But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life."

I think I was presented with the following interpretation of this passage, or else, it was my incorrect understanding of this passage. If you haven't viewed things this way, then you're a step ahead of me in understanding this aspect of what it means to follow Jesus Christ and become more holy, more sanctified.

Reading this, I concluded that prior to becoming a Christian, I was a slave to sin. I had no choice but to obey myself and my self-serving impulses. It didn't mean that all my actions were intrinsically sinful (despite how that can be taught at times), but simply that I was bent inward, a self-glorifying, self-relying creature, making myself the god of my life and obeying what my "sin nature" commanded. Then, I believed, through a slight ignoring of what the passage above states, that when I came to know and follow Christ in salvation, I became free from slavery! Liberated. On an unchained level, where I was now uncontrolled by my sin nature, able to decide what to do. I was free to sin or free to do good things.

The bit of revelation I've had, after a great conversation with friends last night, was that that's not what the passage teaches! My friend told me about another friend who works for and takes care of a rich dude's land and house, etc. He does whatever the landowner asks. Everything. Sometimes grocery shopping, yard work, etc. And that friend basically said, he feels like a slave. But he said it's a good thing. The landowner provides them with a house on the property, and just paid for an addition on the house after the friend had a baby. The landowner deeply cares for and greatly respects my friend and loves their family. My friend is a slave to a good master. (I'm aware that the analogy breaks down. The major difference being that the slave and master in this case are fundamentally equal in nature/essence, compared to the relationship between a created being and its Creator, etc.)

And that's when it hit me. What if we were created, as humans, for dependence, not independence? And the stark spiritual reality, deeper than our American pride in our liberty, is that we ARE dependence on a master. We ARE slaves in an objective sense. Prior to salvation and following Jesus, we are slaves to ourselves and our base desires. We have set ourselves up as the arbiter of right and wrong, the judge of worth and value, the protector of safety and comfort, and so we live small lives of petty pleasures and fearful anxiety, always trying to keep our little corner of happiness intact and not be ruled by anyone but ourselves. But we are limited. And, in our fallen state, we aren't capable of being all that we were meant to be as humans. And so we are imprisoned by sinful habits, addictions, fears, stresses, insecurities, etc. That's what it is to be a slave to sin.

So, Paul, in Romans, says, you are either a slave to sin or a slave to God. And if we can step outside of our understanding of modern slavery, and accept the idea that we were created for dependence, of reliance on another for our life and strength and care, etc., then the reality is, we can be a slave to a weak, fearful, cruel and demanding master, or we can be a slave to a loving Master, who is kind-hearted, patient, fair, etc.

And there's something insanely liberating (ironically) about being a slave to righteousness. When temptation beckons, and part of you wants to participate in that sin, you can say with confidence, "I can't do that because I'm a slave to righteousness. I have to do the right thing here, I don't have a choice." All because you are rightly appropriating the truth that Paul lays out... after salvation, we aren't just set free and put on a neutral path, free to choose good or evil. The truth of what redemption means and what salvation begins in us is that we choose to submit to God as our Master and Lord, versus submitting to our self-centered desires that rage within us, defying our Creator God. Like he says in verse 16 of chapter 6, "you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness" (NIV). We obey with our choices. By choosing selfishness, we are submitting to those desires, obeying them, allowing them to be our masters. By choosing righteousness, we are submitting to life, obeying God and allowing Him to be our master—all due to the spiritual reality that we are constantly submitting ourselves to someone or something, due to our human essence, created for dependence on and sustaining by God.

I'm not sure if I communicated that well. Does that make sense? I think if we can grasp that we were created for dependence as humans, and that our salvation involves changing our allegiance and submitting to a new Master, who has our best interest at heart, becoming slaves to righteousness, then we will find new strength and freedom from the effects of sin in our lives. We won't be trying to subconsciously straddle the fence, attempting to keep our "liberty" intact, implying that dependence is somehow something to be freed from, yet continually finding ourselves obeying the old patterns of sin, wondering why we can't be consistent in our walk with God, etc.

May you learn the upside-down freedom that comes with learning to embrace becoming a slave to the righteousness of Jesus Christ...

What Women Really Need From Men

2010-04-08T10:56:00.002-04:00

Thanks, Donald Miller.

http://donmilleris.com/2010/04/07/what-women-really-need-from-men/

I know he is speaking in generalizations, but it really hits home. I've been wrestling with the idea of confidence, and why on some level, I lack it. I know that this is something God is currently bringing to the forefront of my mind and heart, and I think if I had to describe this season of my life, I believe that God is freeing me from fear and teaching me how to be confident and have courage. I know it's a process and I have a lot of bad, fear-based habits to break. Well worth the struggle and journey, though.

For those of you who are women, do you feel like Miller is accurate (at least generally—allowing that all of us are different and need different things at different times in our lives)?

Happy Easter

2010-04-03T23:56:00.005-04:00

Easter has become more synonymous with a rabbit and colored eggs than with its original meaning. There's nothing inherently wrong with Easter egg hunts or white chocolate bunnies. I'm sure most of it is all part of Hallmark's marketing team's efforts to keep their jobs, as opposed to some sinister plot to have a holiday that used to be about the day a man—who some thought to be the Jewish Messiah, the Redeemer—came back to life after being shamefully executed like a common criminal. Maybe that's naive, but I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt...

This particular Easter is really moving to me, especially after reading "Surprised by Hope". I can't really put it into words very well—believe me, I've attempted doing so in this post several times already... I guess what I'm wrestling with is... It's not hard to believe Jesus died on the cross. History will confirm those details. Every person in Jerusalem at that time was aware of the would-be Messiah who had come to town, surrounded by controversy and whispered hopes. And every person, believer or not, knew the story of how Jesus Christ's life came to a screeching halt on a bloody cross, between two common thieves. No one started singing "Thank you for the cross, my friend" (No offense, Matt Redman, seriously! We're singing that song in church tomorrow. It's a good song!) Defeat hung in the air. Hopes dashed against reality. Or just another crazy guy who had a lot of hype and couldn't follow through. Or another rebel squashed before he became too much of a problem. It didn't matter what you thought of Jesus—you still knew He was dead. It isn't hard to believe that the crucifixion of Jesus happened. People won't look at you funny for believing that.

And I do believe that. I believe that Jesus Christ was killed on a cross, laying down His life as a ransom for my life and for yours. Our sin, our bent towards selfishness, rebellion and fear, defeated in a act of love and sacrifice by a holy God. That's not the hard part. But I also believe Jesus Christ rose from the dead. I believe that you don't let yourself get martyred as a disciple for a delusion or a lie that you made up. I believe that the historical evidence available to us, and the coherent collaboration of the gospel accounts, as well as the rapid growth of Christianity in those early years all points to the amazing fact that SOMETHING miraculous happened three days after Jesus was crucified and all signs point to resurrection. And I believe that in the resurrection of Jesus Christ, God began His work of rescue, of re-creation. Behold, He is making all things new!

It's weird to say that I believe some guy two thousand years ago, whom I've never met physically, came back to life. It sounds foolish. But I know I'm not an idiot, and I'm not just believing what I've been taught. Something in my soul, that I can't explain, rings true with the hope and longing for all things to be made right. For justice to prevail, for good to triumph over evil. For death not to be the end, not to have the final word.

And in the Resurrection, God says, "Death, where is your sting? Grave, where is your victory?"

I'm grateful for a holy God, stooping to become human, to experience all that we know as humanity, feeling the weight of our sin and shame on the cross, all to show His great love and goodness. But if Jesus Christ stayed in the tomb, that would be sentimental hogwash. A great tragedy. But if God raised Jesus from the dead? Then how great and strong is the passion with which God loves us. Not merely that He endured a painful death on our behalf. If that was the end, then death would still be stronger than God. There would be no fancy way to say it—death won. But we celebrate Easter precisely because in the recesses of our minds or maybe for some of us, just our cultural heritage, we are celebrating the reality that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and defeated death itself.

And the theological basis that allows us to understand ourselves to be crucified with Jesus Christ, releasing us from the bondage of living short-sighted self-protecting lives of sin, is the same theological basis we have of understanding that if we were crucified with Christ, then we are raised with Christ to new life. To a living hope. Death is not the end. God will raise us from the dead, like Jesus Christ was on the first Easter, and we will experience a deeper, fuller Life than we have so far, something far greater than we can ask or imagine.

I think that's why this Easter feels different to me. I'm really wrestling with the implications of believing in the bodily resurrection of Jesus Christ. The grace and mercy of the Cross have always been comforting to me. Reassuring of God's love, especially when I feel I least "deserve" it. But the Resurrection? I'm only just beginning to imagine with hope, for all that it means for me, for us.

Happy Easter, my blog-reading friends.

What Must I Do To Be Saved?

2010-03-30T18:55:00.001-04:00

A good friend of mine was processing how to talk to another friend about salvation, and asked:

"How does one get saved, born again? Is it as simple as saying a prayer?"

That got me thinking... and I just thought I'd re-post my response.

"That's the exact question people humbly came to Jesus with. The rich young ruler, Nicodemus, etc. and Jesus answered them all differently... "Unless your righteousness exceeds that of the Pharisees...", "You must be born again", "Go, sell all that you have and give it to the poor, and then you'll find salvation", etc.

That doesn't give you a quick answer, but simply affirms that you're asking the right question. There is no formula.

That said, for me, part of it is believing God really loves and likes me, that He personally cares for and knows me and wants me to experience all the good things of being reunited with Him, and in that process, He MUST transform me from the inside out to make me capable of living a spiritual life, of participating in the new kingdom of redemption. It takes new eyes and a new heart, a completely new way of viewing and interacting with the world... So part of what being born again is, out of trust in God's good heart towards us, surrendering control, and giving Him access to our lives, to invite Him in to bring new life, and hope and peace. And it might happen in one monumental occasion, or it might be a slow process...

All of that is rooted in Jesus Christ. Which is ironic since I didn't mention Him. But He demonstrates and displays, as living "proof" of God's heart towards us, in dying for us for the forgiveness of our sins, but coming back to victorious resurrected life, to be in and through us, deliverance FROM sin and death.

How do we experience this? Saying a prayer? Getting baptized? I'm not sure. Praying is crucial, in my opinion. Not for the specific words, but simply the humility and openness that prayer requires—we're talking to the air! But that's the kind of faith that moves God. Even if we can't see Him, for us to call out to Him, in our need for true life, that is the heart He is after and rewards with disclosing Himself to us in ways we can handle..."

I've been studying the book of Romans with my small group from church. The first chapter launches into an in-depth discourse on the depravity of all humankind. Is that the correct place to start? Not for the Apostle Paul, obviously, because he wrote the book in a particular order for a reason. But for our culture today, and for the needs and perspective of individuals, is that a necessarily element to start with? Was I correct to assert that there is no formula?

Some of the questions I ask on this blog seem like they are really elementary. I think I'm questioning the method, not the truth. I do believe we are all sinful, flawed, broken, bent towards selfishness and self-reliance. On our own, we don't live our lives as an out-pouring of self-less love, participating with God in glorifying His name and being part of the answer to Jesus' famous prayer, "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." But where my question comes in, is when these truths are thrown around so grace-lessly. I hope there isn't a formula. It doesn't seem like there should be. Jesus didn't answer those questions with the same thing every time, nor did He heal people with the same means every time.

As Christians, I think it is imperative, for the sake of Jesus' name, that we learn to listen more, and understand the people we are communicating with, to know where they are coming from and to listen to God's Spirit, somehow, and determine how to best communicate the Good News to someone. And it takes constantly receiving the Good News in my own life if I'm to be a faithful, life-giving example of what the Good News really means.

God Told Me

2010-03-24T17:21:00.004-04:00

An interesting article over on Relevant Magazine, about how people use the phrase "God told me" and what it means to hear from God or claim things in His name.

A thought-provoking quote from the article, by R.T. Kendall:

"How do we misuse God's name when we claim He told us something? With our intent. Most often we mention Him for one reason: to elevate our own credibility. It is not His name we are thinking of, it is our reputation. Adding the weight of God's name to our words gives us authority and respectability. But the truth is, we're not thinking of God's name and glory when we do this—we're thinking of our own."

Maybe that's not always true, but I'm sure it's true a lot.

Has God ever spoken clearly to you? What does it look like for you? Growing up in a Baptist church has meant a lot of unlearning when it comes to God speaking. There was a very deep us-versus-them mentality, and maybe there were good intentions, wanting to avoid extremes or abuses of certain, typically, charismatic gifts like prophecies, but for the most part, they succeeded in reducing "God's voice" to discerning principles from scripture that would give general wisdom in how to live. No personal revelation, no specific guidance, no unique movements in our spirits from God. Thankfully, I think I'm starting to see that there is something to the idea of God speaking to us. God repeatedly spoke to people in the Old Testament, in a variety of ways. He spoke audibly during Jesus' lifetime, and people in the New Testament had dreams, visions and heard God speaking to them. There's no biblical evidence to support the idea that God went mute or in His spite, refuses to talk to us individually, now that Jesus came and left, and we're "just" left with the Holy Spirit. I know I am only speaking from my experience, so I am not trying to condemn churches in general, or even any denominations, because I have only been a part of a handful of various churches, and I know my experiences are in some sense unique to me and the times and places I was in.

That said, it's been interesting to seek God in a way that allows for, hopes for and expects God to communicate with me personally. There have only been a handful of times where I felt like God "spoke" to me in my spirit, or impressed something very specific on my heart/mind. Those things were never contradicting to scripture and always resulted in peace, edification, encouragement, affirmation, etc. It is an odd thing—humbling, really—to imagine God's greatness, how transcendent and holy He is, and that in His love for us, for me, that He would lean close and whisper to our spirit what we need to hear.

I want to make more time to listen.

What is Christianity?

2010-03-23T22:36:00.005-04:00

I've had a lot of questions rattling around in my brain lately about what Christianity is. There are so many caricatures and stereotypes of what Christians are or should be like. The holier-than-thou types and Bible-thumpers, the crazy street preachers, the stiff, boring type, the progressive champion of social justice causes, the über hip trendy kind, the sort that keep Christian bookstores in business by filling their wardrobe with cheesy bastardizations of corporate logos infused with Christian phrases, the fanatical right-wing political type blaming natural catastrophes God's wrath on a nation's past sins, the seeker-friendly type who tend to be really wishy-washy, etc. etc. I don't mean anything negative by calling out these stereotypes—just trying to illustrate the gamut of images that could come to someone's mind when they hear that someone is a Christian.

I know Jesus is important. In a way that is hard to describe or articulate, I know that Jesus Christ's life, death, resurrection and ascension are all ridiculously critical to wrestle with. In an equally difficult to communicate way, I feel as though I am genuinely interacting with God when I pray, sometimes. There's definitely something spiritual/supernatural to it. Other times, Christianity feels more like a system of principles—a worldview, as clever apologists would say. It's a proper understanding of reality and what the world is really like. At times in my life, Christianity was simply the ticket to avoid going to hell. It was believing the right things, saying the right things, doing the rights things, looking the right way, avoiding the wrong places, etc. And other times, it was simply a different set of friends who did more wholesome things with their time.

Right now, I feel like a lot of the theology that I've learned over the years in a Christian high school, Bible classes and chapel five days a week at a Christian liberal arts college, 20 years of listening to sermons on Sunday mornings (not every Sunday!), has become kind of hollow. Not very life-giving. Most of my Christianity, I confess, has been rooted in believing the right things. The more right things you could say that you believed, the closer to the center you got. The safer you were. If you amassed enough biblical knowledge, you could feel pretty confident that you were a good Christian. I mean, people looked to you for answers. And when you're an answer man, you can feel pretty secure in your standing.

Over the years, a lot of those answers have just started sounding empty. Telling someone that God allowed them to experience something deeply painful just to give them an opportunity to learn more about Him doesn't sound loving. Or when you slow down enough to listen to some honest questions from people outside the Christian bubble, you realize that you definitely have an answer, but that it's missing something and what made sense to you before, suddenly feels like it's missing a step in there. Like you took something for granted along the way. Of course, there was a talking snake in the garden... wasn't there?

I guess I feel free within God's love to let down my guard and be honest. Some of this doesn't make sense to me. I'm not asking for God to prove things, or using these questions as an excuse to live however I want and get out from under God's moralistic thumb. I believe with everything in me (I rarely doubt this) that Jesus had to have been from God and that His life, death and resurrection give ridiculously strong evidence—enough to cause me to commit to following Him—that Jesus was who He said He was... And that by believing in Him, trusting Him, committing to living my life like His, as best I know how and through the indwelling presence of His Spirit, that will lead to true Life, now and in the hereafter. All I know is to love people. To be merciful and kind, do what is right and live humbly in the presence of our loving God. I think that the specifics of doctrine and theology are important. They must be or people down the centuries would not have spent their lives studying and copying and dissecting them to find their meanings.

But maybe we've over-complicated it? Maybe Christianity is loving God and loving our neighbor as ourselves? Could it really be that simple? And yet, if it is, why is it so difficult to do that well?

Amendment to Post on March Madness

2010-03-22T09:44:00.002-04:00

I really do enjoy watching sports and feel like that previous post was very condemning in its tone. It is important for us to examine our lives and see what we're spending our time on, but that will mean different things for different people.

As I thought about what I had typed, it got me thinking about the internet and why we blog. What is my purpose in blogging? I don't want to use blogging to critique the lives of other people. Something about it doesn't seem relational. And if questioning the way other people live, isn't done in the context of community and real friendships, I wonder if it is edifying. If not, it's not worth blogging about. That would be similar to me receiving an anonymous note, condemning things in my life and judging me, without knowing of any trust or love behind it.

Is March Madness Mad?

2010-03-18T12:54:00.006-04:00

I read this article on Relevant Magazine today about March Madness college basketball. I was going to comment on it there, but couldn't be concise enough!

I applaud Brett McCracken's desire to see the divine in the mundane. We need to do that more, because I think we do miss out on a lot of that's REALLY going on, because we don't have eyes to see it...

However, some yellow flags were raised in me as I read this, simply because sports, like anything else that has the potential for subconscious addiction (i.e. Facebook, etc.) can be consuming. Even though it's difficult, we need to pay attention to those areas that we have a hard time imagining giving up.

And before I launch into a judgmental tirade about how people idolize sports, I want to check myself. I want to make sure I'm not trying to remove the speck of dust from someone else's eye, oblivious to the plank of wood in my own eye. My goal is not to condemn anyone. I have learned and am continually learning that we, as followers of Jesus Christ, are not called, asked or chosen to be the Holy Spirit for someone else. I am not your conscience, and I don't want to presume to be. So there are a lot of things in this post that I'm not saying. I'm not saying it is sinful to watch sports, or to enjoy sports, or loving to watch sports. I'm not saying someone who loves to watch sports is less spiritual or holy. And, to the point Brett made on the Relevant site, it is good for us as Christians to reclaim the mundane and look for God in all the areas of our lives, from natural beauty to art and yes, even to sports.

Now, I know it's not popular to question what the majority of the culture is doing. ESPECIALLY not as a Christian—that'll get you pegged as "judgmental". None of us want that, though it is inevitable to make judgments on what we see around us. (How we respond to those judgments we make is another issue entirely.) Despite that, I think Christians in America should carefully "examine themselves" and how they spend their time. Not to heap guilt on ourselves, not to live identical lives as the other Christians around us, but to actively engage our minds and hearts to make sure ALL of our lives are in step with how God is leading us.

One thing that stands out is to find balance with this critique of how and why we love sports and what should a Christian's appropriate relationship to it be. I don't want to simply condemn watching sports (or playing them) in some blanket, black-and-white statement, because that could misrepresent the truth of the gospel and what it means to be a Christian.

Is it possible, though, that sports can be an idol in our lives? It's clear that Americans in general love sports and spend a lot of time and money on them. Why is that? Why do so many of us so instinctively love to watch sports? It controls our lives, to some degree. Heaven forbid church goes over and we miss the kickoff of the big game, right? Especially during football season, March Madness, Stanley cup playoffs, the Olympics... we become temporary slaves to the t.v. Is our first response defensive? Hey, there's nothing wrong with watching the Olympics. Anytime someone points out something about the way we live, rebuking or cautioning us, do we listen? Their critique might be completely wrong or misguided, but do we listen? Do we respect the person enough to hear what they are saying and really pray about our actions and see if we're living with a clear conscience? I hope so. I hope I do that. I don't want to lock down on the way I like to live my life and make it impervious to outside critique or examination. If I am truly walking with God with a clear conscience, then I have nothing to fear. So all that is to say, if you love watching sports, please don't feel like I'm condemning you, but do feel like I'm encouraging you to even question and be honest with yourself about these things.

There is nothing sinful about watching sports in and of itself. I think where it can become unhealthy is the amount of time that gets spent on it. There might be other considerations, like the negative emotions that we might vicariously experience when "our" team loses an important game. But I think what makes me sad or makes me question this in general is how much time and energy Christians seem to spend on watching college basketball and playing fantasy football, etc.

Do we spend the same energy on things that make us more like Christ? Are we that enthusiastic about anything relating to church, faith or Jesus Christ, or just sports? Is it okay that our faith and relationship with God doesn't really move us that often, compared to how worked up we can get over a game? I'm legitimately asking—it might be apples to oranges. It might not be a healthy expectation to think they should be similar. But maybe it is. I want to be willing to ask those questions. And are we as disciplined with spending time with God regularly, however that works best for us, as we are with following the draft or following our fantasy football team?

I hope these aren't harsh questions. That's not my intention. I think, since I'm not a huge sports fan (aside from following the Boston Red Sox and enjoying watching football on Sundays whenever it's convenient), being on the "outside" makes me notice things that those who are die-hard fans probably take for granted or simply don't pay attention to.

All I'm saying is if Christians in America were as excited and passionate about following Jesus Christ and loving those around them as ardently as they love watching and participating in sports, I think we would have an entirely different reputation and I think the gospel would seem a lot more like life-giving good news, rather than life-draining morality. I mean, even in commenting on this, it makes me feel like I'm intentionally squelching something that people give a lot of their time to. If we have nothing life-giving to offer people in place of the things that typically fuel their lives, then yes, Christianity will sound like a hollow, boring religion. But in place of our addictions, whether to sports, climbing the corporate ladder, being liked or just feeling safe and comfortable providing for our family at the expense of relying on God more often, what if we really experienced the Life Jesus claimed to offer us? What if we had more joy, peace and patience in our lives? What if we had hope and optimism that supernaturally flowed in and through the good and bad experiences in our lives? What if we were people of courage and gentleness, rather than fear and defensiveness?

In the moments when Christians are so caught up in sports, it gets hard to see Jesus sometimes. Maybe for some people it isn't that way, and I genuinely hope so. Again, I don't want to say sports are sinful. I simply wonder at what my life would look like, and what the lives of the Christians around me would look like if our passion for Jesus Christ was as great as, or greater than, our passion for sports. I think that would change some things in this country.

Which would you rather attend—a 3-hour church service in a cathedral or a 3-hour football game in a stadium? I think most Christians in America would pick the football game. Maybe that's okay. Maybe they are different events that should elicit different emotions and it's unfair to compare the two. I still think the question is worth asking... And I still wonder what it would look like for Christians to be as passionate about faith as some are about sports...

*** UPDATED ***

I apologize for the back-handed condemning tone of this post...

Fire From Heaven

2010-03-12T22:10:00.003-05:00

This excerpt from "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan:

We are made to be like Elijah, who did not question whether God would show His face that day. He prayed and asked for help, and God sent down fire from heaven in response.

Perhaps you don't need fire from heaven, but peace. Perhaps what you need is wisdom to know which decision to make. Or courage to do the right thing, even though you might lose your job. Or maybe you need love because you feel alone. Or you want people with a similar vision to journey with and support you along the way. Whatever you need, the point is that God is aware of you and your circumstances, and He knows what you really need. He is able to bring theses things, people, and circumstances into your life.

But God is not a coercive God. And though He desires for His children to know peace and love and to have wisdom, I have noticed that often He waits for us to ask.

He desires to do more than 'help out' a bit. He wants to completely transform us. He wants to take a timid heart and set it ablaze with strength and courage, so much so that people know something supernatural has taken place—life change just as miraculous as fire coming down from heaven. He wants to imbue us with His wisdom because He is the 'spirit of wisdom and revelation' (Eph. 1:17; see Isa. 11:2) Even as the Spirit works in us to make us more like Christ, to transform us, He is also patient. This work will not be complete until His kingdom comes in full, though this does not deter Him from working now." (emphasis added by me)

I know these are just Francis Chan's words about what He understands God to be like, but something about the idea that God wants to take my mostly timid heart and set it ablaze with strength and courage... It's easy to assume that God doesn't want the same things I do, or that His desire is less intense than mine... When the reality is that my desires for good, healthy things are weak compared to how strongly God wants the same things for me. And I think that's Chan's point... If I really, deep-down believe that God is good and has my best interest at heart, why don't I ask Him for those things more often? I'm not talking about asking for more stuff—a new car, better job, shorter commute, etc. I'm talking about coming to Him with the scary stuff. Coming to God with my fears and anxiety, asking Him to replace them with courage and peace. Coming to God with my weakness and cowardice, asking for strength and self-control. If I brought the big things, that are real desires for wholeness and a better life, maybe He would be eager to answer those kinds of prayers. Maybe I settle for the things that leave less room for disappointment. I mean, what if I pray for those things, and God doesn't come through and nothing changes? Then what? I think on some level, I don't want to put all those eggs in God's basket, because if God fails... that shatters my reality. That crushes the supporting beams of the whole structure and what would I be left with?

There is something risky about faith. And I wonder, in America especially, if we are so comfortable with our lives and content with adding Jesus into our lives, somewhat like a hobby or a country club membership, that we are afraid to really step out and ask God for the big scary things that will make or break our faith. We are afraid to really trust God with the stuff close to our hearts, so we half-heartedly limp through our Christianity, wishing God was a little more real, but at the same time, not being willing to risk relying on Him to come through for us in a supernatural way that we couldn't explain otherwise. I mean, do we really trust God if we know we have a good chunk of money in our savings account and a solid 401k plan? We can absolutely say we do, and even extol the virtues of what wise stewards we are being with our money, but when push comes to shove—I'm trusting in money, not God. I'm trusting that when calamity strikes and painful situations arise, I have things to fall back on. Sure, I'll pray about it—but not REALLY expecting anything from it. More than likely, I'll consult with friends, rack my brain for the best way to handle the situation and then grit my teeth and make it through. And on the other side of it, I will probably still sigh with slight disappointment, wondering why God wasn't more real to me.

I'm not saying to be stupid and burn your money or "put God to the test" by jumping off buildings or anything like that. I'm simply trying to be honest with the fact that part of why I don't see God's hand more active in my life is because often I simply refuse to cry out to Him in my desperation or need because I'm afraid that He won't answer, and His silence would be utterly devastating. At least when I don't ask, I can fool myself into thinking God is good and dependable, without ever really putting that to the test.

So, although it is ridiculously scary, I think that's the kind of faith God is looking for. He knows we're finite. He knows we can't see Him and it is hard to have faith. But God has given us the scriptures, and the teachings, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit of God Himself, as a witness to God's heart—He is good. He can be trusted. And maybe God is waiting for hearts that will believe that and where appropriate, step out and risk trusting in His goodness. Maybe God knows if we aren't really relying on Him, and He gave us the things we deeply desire anyway, we would be deeply confused about where they came from, because we never really mustered the courage to ask Him. I don't know...

All this from a deep longing within me to be less timid, to shake off the fear and trepidation that enslaves me to chase after affirmation and validation from the people around me. The deeply encouraging thought in this is that God wants that too. He wants to free me and transform me into the man He's created me to be. The same is true for those of you reading this.

So, that just leaves me face to face with whether or not I will admit these longings for wholeness to God, crying out to Him in a way that desperately needs Him to be there and come through.

Question: Is Christ the same thing as Christianity?

2010-02-23T13:01:00.006-05:00

Does that seem like a weird question? Or perhaps too close to heresy?

Let me explain, slightly, and then open it up to biting condemnation and heart-felt prayers for my wandering soul!

Christians are taught that Jesus is the only way. It's in the book of John, Jesus Himself said, "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life, and no one comes to the Father except through me." And we've built our apologetic defenses and exclusive theology firmly on that and other passages.

But have we read into that verse a doctrine that exists outside of it? Eisegesis, reading into the text what we already think it means, says that Christianity is the only way. Have you ever stopped to consider how we define "Christianity"? And have you ever considered the possibility that someone could be saved by and through the grace of God in Jesus Christ, without knowingly practicing Christianity or even ever hearing the name of Jesus Christ?

I heard that question recently, and it definitely sent the wheels spinning. The speaker was emphatic that this idea was not the good news of the gospel, perhaps merely a loophole.

Jesus Christ is the salvation and hope for the world. I never really considered if there was any biblical evidence for an understanding of God's love and redemption extending outside of our modern understanding of the nearly-impossible-to-define term Christianity. I could go on and elaborate on everything the seminar involved, which would probably make this whole thought seem more Christ-centered and biblical, but I think it's good for us to listen to questions that rattle what we already assume and feel confident is the truth, if for no other reason than to be a little more settled internally that what we think is true has less doubt-inducing questions surrounding it.

What Could Resurrection Mean?

2010-01-25T09:54:00.005-05:00

A quote from N.T. Wright's Surprised by Hope:

"...This [working for the kingdom of God in this present life] brings us back to I Corinthians 15:58 once more; what you do in the Lord is not in vain. You are not oiling the wheels of a machine that's about to roll over a cliff. You are not restoring a great painting that's shortly going to be thrown on the fire. You are not planting roses in a garden that's about to be dug up for a building site. You are—strange though it may seem, almost as hard to believe as the resurrection itself—accomplishing something that will become in due course part of God's new world. Every act of love, gratitude, and kindness; every work of art or music inspired by the love of God and delight in the beauty of his creation; every minute spent teaching a severely handicapped child to read or to walk; every act of care and nurture, of comfort and support, for one's fellow human beings and for that matter one's fellow nonhuman creatures; and of course every prayer, all Spirit-led teaching, every deed that spreads the gospel, builds up the church, embraces and embodies holiness rather than corruption, and makes the name of Jesus honored in the world—all of this will find its way, through the resurrecting power of God, into the new creation that God will one day make. That is the logic of the mission of God. God's recreation of this wonderful world, which began with the resurrection of Jesus and continues mysteriously as God's people live in the risen Christ and in the power of his Spirit, means that what we do in Christ and by the Spirit in the present is not wasted. It will last all the way into God's new world. In fact, it will be enhanced there."

I think if we considered that our actions matter for longer than this lifetime, we'd be more serious and intentional with the way we lived, and yet, at the same time, more joyful and free, believing that nothing we do in the name of love, for Jesus' sake and honor, will be wasted. It really is starting to be a quite radical concept for me, the resurrection. I haven't ever spent much time considering what it could and should mean for us, but as I've been reading Surprised by Hope, I'm really starting to see why the Apostle Paul said, "If Jesus did not rise from the dead, we should be pitied." The height of foolishness, something so ... un-natural. Supernatural. Death, for us, is the most sure thing about life. More than anything we could speculate about what our lives with contain or look like, we know they will end with death. Bodily resurrection flies in the face of the surest thing we know about the human experience.

And yet, if Jesus rose from the dead, that means something. That shatters something we thought to be true, to be final. Maybe death isn't the end? And, better than floating off to some spiritual haze of puffy clouds, babies with angel wings and halos, we will be resurrected, too, to new life. Maybe we aren't going to sit in a boring church service, singing hymns, for all eternity. Maybe we will be given new transformed physical bodies, just like the one that the Bible describes Jesus having, and maybe we will be reigning with Jesus over the new creation, God's re-creation, when He makes everything as it was meant to be. Redemption. Maybe it's true, that we will be learning, growing, exploring, naming, creating, loving, discovering and taking care of the new heaven and new earth, with physical bodies that have been glorified and transformed, never to decay or die, because sin, and disease and death have been conquered and destroyed, not simply passed through.

When I start imagining this way, I get really excited for the life after death... and for life before death.

And this idea gives me great hope, courage and motivation to love people even when it doesn't seem like it'll do anything. What can one vote do? What can a $25 donation to a charity do to help the aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti? What good does a 5 minute conversation with someone who looks a bit lonely do? God sees our hearts and knows our intentions and, by the grace of God and the redeeming power of the resurrection, these seemingly insignificant actions will somehow affect the life to come; they won't be wasted. So let's love each other in the name of Jesus Christ and for the sake of the coming Kingdom, especially those around us who are hungry, lonely, scared, homeless, unwanted, awkward, insecure, broken and unloved... even if it doesn't seem to have any immediate affect that we can see—the hope of the resurrection is that these actions will matter and somehow be realized fully when God re-creates and makes this good, but broken and hurting, world whole and beautiful again.

The Story of Our Lives

2010-01-06T17:36:00.002-05:00

Do you believe our lives are stories?

This idea, that our individual lives are dramatic, important stories, each within a larger Story that means something, is somewhat foreign to me. I feel like I live day-to-day, without the perspective that believes all the moments, experiences and situations are all part of a story worth listening to and retelling. The idea that I have an important part to play in the grand Story of history, what I do believe is God's story, is shocking, almost too good to believe. It adds so much dignity and worth, to every moment, to believe that you and I are the characters in the midst of a drama, where choices we make start us down the path towards becoming a hero or becoming a villain. Don Miller's new book talks about this idea of being a part of a story. John Eldridge talks about it in the daily email newsletter he and the Ransomed Heart team send out. It keeps cropping up in conversations.

We connect so deeply when a movie has a good plot. A good story to it. And yet, we're slow to make any kind of connection that maybe we get that perception and appreciation for a good story from the Great Story-teller. That analogy probably breaks down in places, as all do, but it's a sobering, exciting and empowering thought:

God is telling a grand Story and you have a part to play in it that matters.

You are part of a Story in which you play a critical role. God is doing something amazing and redemptive in all of creation, and what we do with our experiences matters. Our character is being shaped and molded, just like in our favorite books, by the things we experience. Will we choose evil and revenge and be consumed? Will we display inner strength and suffer for the sake of goodness? Will we pursue a life that is worth retelling? Will we weigh the worth of a day, in all its ups and downs, and choose to make the most of each one?

I realize some could run with this and/or criticize this idea, claiming it's much too self-esteem oriented, too self-focused. While that may indeed be a danger for some, but for most of us, I think we're too used to believing that our lives aren't that important.

May we choose to rise above the urgent to-do items and consider what kind of life we're living and make it a story worth retelling.

Sin and Hell

2010-01-03T19:15:00.003-05:00

I can't quote the whole chapter, incomplete as it is to give an exhaustive exploration of the subject of hell, but in Surprised by Hope, by N. T. Wright, there's a statement he makes in relation to hell, that stood out to me for other reasons. Wright was discussing the inconsistencies in various traditional and current views on hell and judgment, and as he was addressing aspects of the liberal annihilationist view, that says "non-believers" are annihilated at death, since they claim a good, loving God could not eternally torment an image-bearing human for a short lifetime of sin. Relaying to you Wright's conclusion on that would take too long, and, though interesting and thought-provoking, it wasn't what really grabbed my attention.

This is what stuck out to me:

Sin, we note, is not the breaking of arbitrary rules; rather, the rules are the thumbnail sketches of different types of dehumanizing behavior.

In a culture that is so politically correct and afraid of offending people, this quote does a great job of articulating the essence of sin, in relation to human interaction. We'd be remiss to neglect sin in relation to God—worshiping any created thing or idea over the Creator. We all know that there is right and wrong, justice and injustice. We tend to bend the rules for ourselves most times, conveniently reserving swift judgment for Hitlers, child rapists and those who commit genocide rather than pointing the finger at our own pride, impatience, vanity, laziness and consumerism. We sin. We have to face up to that. Yes, we absolutely need to acknowledge that we've sinned against God. But as a starting place to accepting that sin is a real concept, deserving our acknowledgment and a place in our vocabulary, we can admit that we sin against each other. We hold grudges. We steal from each other. We make fun of each other's weaknesses. We commit adultery with other people's spouses. We drive selfishly. We belittle and devalue those in our society that don't have the same standing as we do. We treat each other with impatience and rudeness.

So, all this to say is I think that it's good to own up to the fact we sin against each other and feel free to use the word "sin" in our normal conversations about things that matter. I think Wright's description of sin gives us the gracious and logical space to do that.

The REAL You

2009-12-31T10:18:00.003-05:00

You are not your sin; sin is no longer the truest thing about the man who has come into union with Jesus. Your heart is good. “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you” (Ezek. 36:26). The Big Lie in the church today is that you are nothing more than “a sinner saved by grace.” You are a lot more than that. You are a new creation in Christ. The New Testament calls you a saint, a holy one, a son of God. In the core of your being you are a good man. Yes, there is a war within us, but it is a civil war. The battle is not between us and God; no, there is a traitor within us who wars against our true heart fighting alongside the Spirit of God in us:

A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death . . . Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won’t know what we’re talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells . . . if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he’ll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus . . . When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. (Rom. 8:2, 9–11 The Message)

The real you is on the side of God against the false self. Knowing this makes all the difference in the world. The man who wants to live valiantly will lose heart quickly if he believes that his heart is nothing but sin. Why fight?

(Wild at Heart , 144–45)

I know many people might not agree with everything John Eldridge has written, but I feel like this rings very true, both as the predominating misconception in the church and also as the life-giving truth, like shackles falling off or a moment of realization, that the world is not as you thought it was—in a good way.

When you read that excerpt, what do you think? How do you react to the idea that maybe you are not sinful at your core? That your flesh, your "sin nature" has been kicked off the throne of your heart and is now an enemy within the gates, trying to deceive and tempt you, but is not you? Does that give you a sense of hope, of freedom?

The yellow flag that many Christians might raise, is to caution against being prideful or thinking we are good apart from God. But that is precisely why I think Eldridge's statements are so needed. We are so afraid of being prideful, which is sinful, that we balk at the idea of saying we are "good". Jesus Himself reserved that for God, didn't He? (context, context, context! Jesus was God! He WAS good. If Jesus wasn't good, then He wasn't God, so that's clearly not the explicit point He was making. We have to be careful with stuff like that...) However, somehow, through being born again by the Spirit of God, of being united with Jesus in His death, resurrection and ascension, we are not the same as we were before. We are not unchanged. Being a Christian means precisely, in some intangible way, that the Spirit of the Living God has made its residence in us, and we are one with Him (not in a pantheistic way, in which we ARE God—we are no longer separated from communing with God because of our sin). So, it is not to say, Christ saved us from our sin, and now, on our own, we are good and are capable of earning entrance to heaven or anything like that. I think we need to process that they go together... If we truly believe that we have become a new creation in Christ, that the old has passed away, that we have been crucified with Christ and He now lives in us and through us, that the Living God has taken up residence in our hearts, our inner being, then in that union, if that has happened and cannot be arbitrarily turned on and off, then who we are has fundamentally and irreversibly changed. We are now beloved and adopted sons and daughters of God, capable of walking in unity with the Spirit of our Loving Father.

The biggest area that seems to be affected by this line of thinking is in the area of my thoughts. If I still believe, contrary to so much of what the New Testament clearly teaches about what happens in the conversion process of salvation and redemption, that I am sinful at my core, then suddenly the thoughts I have and the feelings I have are untrustworthy. I have no way of discerning internally what is from God, from me or the devil. It creates a never-ending self-contempt that keeps me in a prison of second-guessing every decision, every thought. Because even if I think a decision is good or wise, in that framework, I am deceitful and wicked and can't trust my own motivations. How can we live that way? How can we live by the Spirit or find the kind of life-giving freedom that brings hope, faith and love, if we believe our sinful core is so incapable of being good? The only way that could happen would be for God to absolutely override our actions and decisions, like He was controlling a puppet or robot, not a living human who He created with the freedom and capacity to love Him in return in the first place.

I think a lot of my experience in church growing up had this wrong, unfortunately. What are your thoughts, blog readers? Is there merit in clinging to a concept of inner depravity, even after becoming a Christian? Is there deep dangers in letting go of that idea?

God With Us

2009-12-24T20:31:00.004-05:00

Tonight I went with my parents to their church's Christmas Eve service, which was beautiful. My mom played in the handbell choir and the music was angelic, really. The responsive readings were entrenched with the gospel message, of the true meaning of Christmas, of how God became man to dwell among us and save us from our sin. The songs—classic carols and other sacred choral arrangements—were played and sung with a sacred reverence, filling the dimly, candle-lit room. Everything was very well done. The Dramatic Contemplation (read "skit") was thought-provoking and humorous, a perfect segue into the pastor's Christmas sermon. It really was a nice Christmas Eve service.

I understand that different people have different tastes and preferences, when it comes to forms of worship and church services. Some prefer traditional liturgies while others prefer upbeat and modern expressions. As the Christmas Eve service was ending, though, I was less concerned about the mode of Christmas worship, and more fixated with wondering if, in the midst of all the beautiful tradition and call to celebrate Christmas for the right reasons, people were missing it. I'm not saying that in an accusatory way. I just wonder if the people attending the Christmas Eve service knew and believed that God likes them. That they are special to Him. And that that's why Christ came. Immanuel. God with us. God with us, because we are special to Him. It's easy to say God came to save us from our sin and the eternal consequences of that. That's true. But when we stop there, and only articulate our sinfulness and God's salvation, it can tend to leave us with a guilt-ridden obligation to feel thankful. It can make the "message of Christmas" one of guilt and shame and re-doubling our efforts to be more thankful and to sin less. This really isn't intended to point fingers or anything. I'm just becoming increasingly aware that in the midst of the way we communicate the gospel, we sometimes fail to articulate as faithfully as we do our sinfulness and God's great mercy, the deep love that God has for us, that motivated Him to set His redemption plan in motion in the Incarnation of His Son that Christmas morning two thousand years ago (or so) in the first place.

Jesus came to save us from our sin. Not because that's His job. Not because God is love and therefore had to save us even though He'd rather not. It was His deep enjoyment of us that motivated Him. The Father doting on His beloved children, to give them the best and make a way for them to be with Him, to enjoy His love unhindered forever. The Incarnation shows us that God wants to be with us, so He came to us, when our sin had kept us from Him. He loved us first, He initiated.

And so, to bring this back around, I just wonder and hope that, in the midst of the very beautifully performed and orchestrated Christmas Eve service, everyone there understands the deep reality behind this time of year. That the Christmas songs aren't just words, aren't just traditions for the month of December. That "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" is not just some secret code-phrase for the those of us not sucked into our culture's commercialization of the holiday.

May we pause tomorrow and remember that God is with us. May we take some time in the midst of the present-opening, carol-singing and family-visiting to consider with renewed focus what it really means that Jesus put on humanity to be with us. May we know deeply why He did it.

He did it because He loves us. God loves us. God loves me... God loves you. You are special to Him and He likes who you are. You bring a smile to His face.

May that thought make your Christmas very merry this year.

A Better World For Nothing

2009-12-23T12:15:00.006-05:00

(from USA Today)

I have been reading "Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, Resurrection and the Mission of the Church" by theologian N.T. Wright. This cartoon illustrates a prevailing mindset in most evangelical Christians. I'm not commenting, yet, on the rightness or wrongness of this, simply noting, as Wright's book and this cartoon imply, that we as Christians are acutely affected in the way we live this life by our view of what comes in the after-life.

If we think we just go to heaven when we die, and eventually God will destroy this world with fire and start over, then it makes complete sense as to why evangelical Christians typically don't really get very passionate about environmental issues, social change or alleviating suffering with long-term solutions. I'm generalizing, I know—there are many evangelical Christians who do care about these things.

My point is that I'm wondering if, somewhere along the way, we Christians have begun to think incorrectly about heaven and the "end-times", causing us to ignore or throw aside parts of what it means to follow Jesus, in a way that drastically reduces the relevance and hope of the gospel and the significance behind what Jesus' resurrection really means for Christians.

I haven't finished the book, and so I haven't reached a point of digesting all that Wright is proposing in his book, but he definitely raises compelling questions that deserve to be asked and wrestled with, especially if we view this world as irrelevant and passing away. We need to have open eyes and ears to consider that maybe these questions are valid. Maybe we need to do some self-assessment as to why we believe the things we believe. Because if we can't articulate what might be motivating our beliefs, our apparent lack of concern, in the world's eyes, about climate issues, social justice and the like, we are going to get caught looking very selfish, uncaring and unconcerned about the needs of the people around us. And if they don't believe that we care about their needs, they won't care at all what we say when we try to tell them about what we believe.

I'm not saying we need to blindly jump on the band-wagon of climate issues or any other global cause. That would be equally counter-productive and intellectually irresponsible as well. We just need to question why we are doing things the way we are doing them, and make sure we can articulate well, without hostility compensating for poor logic, why we believe what we believe and have the humility to change the way we live in the face of inconsistent or false ideas that might be motivating our decisions.

Hope and Desire

2009-12-14T12:20:00.004-05:00

Desire fulfilled seems to be more pleasurable than a disappointment avoided.

Disappointment experienced seems to be more painful than the lack of desire.

Pain and pleasure, I've heard, are two sides to the same coin. They are the positive and negative expression of sensation, of feeling.

As I've been sorting through a lot of things lately, I'm discovered that, for whatever reason, I've developed the habit of viewing life through the same lens as Vince Vaughn's character, Peter La Fleur, did at the beginning of the movie Dodgeball. He said,

"I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal."

It's a humorous spot in the movie, some of us relating to that mindset. But the reality of living that way is that it doesn't feel phenomenal. It doesn't cause much feeling at all. We resort to that way of thinking specifically so we don't feel, because like I referred to before, pain and pleasure are just two sides to the same coin. We can't avoid pain without cutting ourselves off from pleasure.

Some would argue that a lot of people use pleasure to numb pain. To some degree, that appears to work on the surface of things, and many people function in that mode, but that's just it. They are merely functioning. There's a wholeness that is involved in finding healthy pleasure in things. They might be masking pain, with the use of something that appears pleasurable, but it isn't an open-eyed pleasure. The instant-gratification employed to ease the current pain looks like pleasure wins out, but the reality of the situation as a whole is that most "pleasurable" behaviors that people resort to in order to numb pain tend to cause more pain to themselves and others down the road, as most of those lesser, immediate pleasures lead to addictions...

So, despite that argument, it still seems clear to me that, when we avoid pain, we intrinsically limit our ability to experience deep, lasting pleasure. And, I have unknowingly allowed myself to operate in this way. Whether it was not trying out for the baseball team in college, for fear of wanting to be on the team but potentially finding out I wasn't good enough, or not speaking up when friends ask where we should go for dinner, a deadly numbness has crept into my heart, attempting to insulate myself from disappointment.

So, acknowledging this is the first step to recovery, I suppose.

I'm not sure how to go about changing. I'd imagine starting small would be helpful. Speaking up when I want to eat somewhere in particular, and then, letting myself feel the disappointment involved if I get out-voted. Or even bigger, pursuing something that will bring me joy and fulfillment, and being willing to work to get there, risking some hard work and potential setbacks and even failure, in the hopes that I will eventually get to experience that joy and fulfillment, etc.

I think our capacity for joy is proportionate to the amount of desire or hope that goes into it. If we are constantly shielding ourselves from disappointment, cynical that the worst will happen anyway, when good things do happen, we are merely slightly surprised and marginally thankful, before slipping into our next bout of cynicism that it will probably be taken away, so don't hope to enjoy it for too long, etc. I think this is a destructive way to live.

And while I don't think it has a death-grip on my personality, I do see that I have not let my heart really experience desire and hope and longing in a long time. I haven't been excited about many things... and it's time for that to change.

I'm not exactly sure how to go about re-orienting the way my heart reacts to desires and what not, but seeing these things is a start.

Heaven Without You

2009-12-05T12:28:00.004-05:00

"I was recently asked by a non-Christian friend if I thought he was going to hell. I said, 'I hope not. It will be hard to enjoy heaven without you.'"
—Shane Claiborne

I just finished reading this article by Shane Claiborne on Esquire and this quote stopped me in my tracks. I actually sensed love in Shane's response, rather than simply a theologically accurate answer to the friend's question or articulation of a formula to convert the friend from one eternal destination to another.

As I continually sort through the good and bad of what Christianity has become, clinging to what is good, and abhorring what is evil, things like this stand out. Do those around us, who may not understand the good news that Jesus is, feel loved by us? Speaking truth is obviously necessary, but what good is truth if we are blind to the blatant hypocrisy in what we're saying? Loving someone does not equal telling them about Jesus in some pre-packaged way. Loving people is unique. It takes effort, sacrifice. It takes time out of our busy schedules. It takes interruptions. It takes some soul-searching and good listening, to understand people better and know where their hearts are, what their needs are. I think that creates the fertile soil to speak truth into. But if we haven't gained the capacity to genuinely love and care for the people around us, without the agenda of trying to "steer the conversation towards the Lord", our words about God will fall flat in the face of our lack of sincere concern. People know when they are being loved. People know when they are being pitched to. The gospel is not a pitch. The gospel is supposed to be a radical revolution of selfless love, rooted in a deep experience of the love of God in Jesus Christ, that pours itself out in an upside way, disrupting the kingdom of this world, the constant in-break of heaven's kingdom into the earth's.

May we who profess to be Christians be more focused on genuinely loving our neighbor with no strings attached than converting them... Let's let love define us, not causes or agendas or political platforms...

Life Goals

2009-12-03T15:40:00.004-05:00

"Most people live life as though they were trying to arrive at death as safely as possible."
—Francis Chan

This really captures the tension I feel, between well-intentioned people constantly cautioning against risk and wishing me safety and the general discontented feeling always running beneath my surface, like an underground stream eroding away the soil under the structure of the status quo.

As I sort through who I am and what I want, it's really hard to come out from underneath people's expectations for my life, without throwing the baby out with the bath water. Where is true wisdom? Who do we listen to? The church? The culture around us? Our parents? Our pastors? Our friends? Books?

The world seems to have a complete system of how to arrive safely at death. The mindset seems to be to insulate yourself from as much pain or suffering as possible, have contingency plans in place for the adversity you can't control or avoid, and try to survive through life the best you can without rocking the boat or risking too much.

There's a balance, for sure, between responsibilities and risk. I'm not sure how to find it, and I know that I am currently in a season of life without a lot of personal responsibilities (no wife, no children, no mortgage, etc.), but I live without any even calculated risks or adventure. I could understand that if certain responsibilities meant sacrificing that freedom and spontaneity. But without those current responsibilities, I'm constantly at a loss for why my life seems so planned and scheduled, and that discontentment eats at me.

Is that the point of life? Just getting to the end? Just making it safely to death at an old age?

Something about that just doesn't sit well with me at all. I can't put my finger on it...

Drinking Alcohol

2009-12-03T00:29:00.002-05:00

This is the reply I sent back to the person whose confrontation prompted my previous post. I had to clean it up a bit for this post:

...I wanted to let you know that I've thought, studied and prayed about the drinking issue a lot over the years. I don't believe drinking is wrong. The Bible is VERY clear that being drunk is sinful, but it is also equally clear that A) drinking is not wrong at all in and of itself, B) as Christians, we are to be very sensitive and obedient to the Holy Spirit's prompting and convictions, and C) we are also to strive to live in freedom in Christ through walking by that same Spirit (Paul had a lot to say to the Galatians on this, esp. Gal. 5:1). So from that, because I do not believe that the Bible at all condemns drinking (except when, in excess, it becomes drunkenness), I also don't believe this in anyway damages my testimony for Christ. Having a drink, in my understanding, is no different from having a cup of coffee, a Twinkie, a piece of birthday cake or 12 oz. filet mignon—all of those things in excess would become sinful, showing a greater love for that thing than Christ, or showing an unhealthy reliance on that thing more than Christ.

I'm not at all trying to argue or seem rebellious or anything like that. I just wanted to convey that it IS deeply important to me what people think about God and Jesus based on how I live. And since I don't believe it is scriptural to say drinking is sinful, I also don't want to add that to the gospel. There's a VERY clear difference between having a drink socially and getting drunk (and the myriad of reasons people do that), and people know that! The only people, in my experience, who have been offended by drinking has been Christians. I've had several conversations about Jesus and what it means to be saved by grace through faith with friends who are not saved while having a beer with dinner, etc. I'm far from perfect, but I think everyone who knows me and knows that I am a follower of Christ and trying to walk with God, knows my heart and knows I don't encourage getting drunk or being dependent on alcohol, and that I drink responsibly [again, I've failed in this area before]. But since I also strongly believe it is not a sin to drink alcohol, I don't want to give the impression that to be a Christian means you aren't allowed to drink. Bottom-line, that's legalism. I grew up in a very mean-spirited, legalistic church and God rescued me from that and continues to break my heart with compassion for people whose understanding of God is so distorted by man-made rules and traditions that they want nothing to do with the love of Jesus... So, all that to say, I think, study and pray really hard about what is essential for what it means to follow Jesus and what God is really like, and THOSE are the things that I want to communicate very clearly. If someone, who wasn't a Christian, came up to me and said, "Hey, I thought you were a Christian, and I saw you drinking. I thought Christians aren't allowed to drink?" What an opportunity! "Yes, I am a Christian. And actually, the Bible doesn't say it's wrong to drink at all, it just says that it's wrong to get drunk, because we lose control of ourselves and lose our ability to walk with God by His Spirit that lives inside of those who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ..." That would spark such an open, honest conversation about God, Christianity and what the gospel really is, the Bible, etc.

This has gotten long. It's just because it's important to me that you know I don't take this lightly. I'm not trying to quench the Spirit or dodge my conscience. The Bible is very clear that we are supposed to live with a clear conscience before God and men. To have integrity and listen to the voice of God's Spirit working within us.

The issue of being a "stumbling block" is very important to me. That's something I'm still studying and praying about. This message would get very much longer if I went into my thoughts, understandings and questions about what that means, who our "weaker brothers" are, whose consciences are we supposed to abide by, etc. I'm still sorting that through... and I've found that honesty, gentleness, patience, etc. can go along way. If I had a new Christian friend who struggles with partying or getting drunk, I would be very hesitant to flippantly drink in front of them, but I would also be involved in their life and would be walking with them, encouraging them to stop the destructive, counter-productive behaviors that are keeping them from growing in Christ, with the goal that eventually, unless God gives them a firm conviction against drinking at all like my dad seemed to have for over 10 years after becoming a Christian, I would hope that they would grow in their love for God, that freedom and love, through walking by the Spirit would allow them to see that drinking isn't wrong. The goal of discipleship should not be more and more rules and stricter obedience of the will, but of life-giving freedom in the Spirit, where we can say with Paul, "All things ARE lawful for me, but not everything is beneficial", etc. Paul would eat meat offered to idols or not, depending on who he was with. Is that hypocritical? Or is that wisdom? I'm not sure... But Paul taught the churches this very thing: all things ARE lawful! So if they are lawful, it is immaturity and ignorance that says things are unlawful—and while that might be acceptable and understandable for someone who is new in their faith in Christ, that is not the goal! God wants us to grow in our relationship with Him, so we understand the freedom that exists in loving Christ and so that nothing—not alcohol, not food, not shopping, not caffeine, not exercise, not the praise of men—competes for our love for Christ, and yet can be enjoyed and appreciated as good gifts from a loving God. When we are mature in our faith, we should be able to enjoy these gifts, without being controlled by them, with the freedom to lay them down if it is causing a brother or sister, with a weaker, more sensitive conscience about that issue, to sin. But like I said, I am still learning and praying and studying to understand what it means to avoid being a stumbling block, because that's clearly something Jesus warned against.

What do you think? Was it too wishy-washy? Was any of it under-handed or passive aggressive? I hope not. I don't want to run from confrontation/conflict since that has been a weakness of mine over the years, so speaking what I think is true, in a loving way, in response was necessary for me to do.

When You Get "Confronted"...

2009-12-01T12:06:00.006-05:00

How do you respond?

Have you ever had someone tell you that they felt obligated to confront you about something you had done? They call upon your ties as a fellow Christian. They appeal to the sake of your testimony for Christ. They express concern over possible missed "witnessing opportunities"... I'm sure all these are done with good (I hope), though misguided, intentions...

What is the appropriate response for a Christian who is confronted by another Christian concerned about a behavior the latter believes is wrong?

My initial reaction, because, yes, this just happened to me, is indignation. Something like passion rises up in me and I want to put the person in their place. I want to lambaste them for their judgmental heart, for the hypocritical application of personal holiness and for their incorrect assumptions and interpretations of scripture. I want to quote Jesus to them, with a venomous "Woe to you, Pharisees and teachers of religious law!"

Somehow, I'm checked by love's higher calling, doubting my own motives, wary of my own arrogance, and I opt for not responding right away. Truth may need to be spoken, but the medium is as important as the message.

The issue was that I was in a picture on Facebook with a beer stein in my hand, celebrating someone's birthday in a pub.

So, as a Christ follower, what do I do when I completely disagree with another Christian's interpretation and application of scripture? What is the loving thing to do?

Drinking alcohol is not wrong according to the Bible. To say that it is, is un-biblical and adds to the gospel something that isn't there. That's dangerous ground. Paul had some strong words for those who were doing that to the Galatians, in chapter 3 of that book, and also, in chapter 5, where he said:

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."

Some people were trying to persuade the new Galatian believers that they needed to adhere to these particular Jewish laws in order to follow Jesus, to be Christians, to be part of the holy group, as it were. Paul vehemently spoke against this anti-grace mindset. He didn't give them license to do whatever they wanted, but admonished them to live by the Spirit of Christ in love, and don't let anyone force them to abide by a particular set of rules to measure spirituality by.

In our present context, we see this a lot. I saw it a lot in the Baptist church I grew up in. Christianity was defined, and still is in some cases, by external behaviors. A good Christian doesn't swear, drink, smoke, dance, listen to rock music, go to bars or clubs, watch R-rated movies, etc. This is actually directly counter-productive and antithetical to the argument against drinking that was used against me, claiming that drinking could "damage my testimony for Christ". Perhaps it damages the testimony of Christ and salvation by grace more when we make up rules that are not scriptural, enforce them without grace or mercy and cause division among believers (something the Bible says God hates)?

Even as I type this, I have to take a step back. I get pretty worked up over things like this. I don't mind so much that someone approached me and confronted me. There's an element of that that is motivated by love and concern, that speaks up when someone is doing something that is perceived to be harmful. That's a good thing. I do mind, however, that the nature of the confrontation is rooted in a completely un-biblical and illogical application of scripture, that simply upholds a particular tradition's rule.

As Christians, we are called to walk with a clear conscience before God and men. If we feel or know something to be wrong, we are responsible not to do it (and vice-versus for things that are right). We are told not to let anyone force us into bondage, instead, to pursue lives of freedom through walking by the Spirit of God. When we see someone blatantly sinning, we are first required to examine our own lives, to gain perspective and acknowledge our own sinfulness, hypocrisy and general disqualification in casting the first stone.

I could go on... I already have! This feels like a long post. I want to be grace-filled, to the hurting and to the arrogant. I want to show love to the guilty and the accusers. That's what I believe being a follower of Jesus Christ means. Jesus himself said, "They will know that you are My disciples by the way that you love each other".

He did not say, "They will know you are My disciples by how many rules you can come up with and faithfully adhere to."

I'm still not sure how to respond to the message I got. Is there value in trying to articulate to that person some of what I've typed here? Is there value in confronting their incorrect interpretation of scripture which has made a law out of something that the Bible in no way prohibits? If yes to either of those, how do I do that gently with love? Is it better to ignore it? Is this a situation of casting pearls before swine, not wasting words or energy on someone who is stuck in their ways? Are we stuck in our ways? Is there always hope for redemption and repentance? Should we always operate out of the faith and hope that people can and do change for the better?

I hope so.

You may have noticed, in reference to drinking, I didn't address the "stumbling block" issue, which needs another post all its own.

Conflict

2009-11-24T09:37:00.002-05:00

"We are a conflict avoiding culture."
- Donald Miller, Interview with Relevant Magazine

How true is this. I want to think about this more and process how far-reaching its effects go. Everything in our culture is aimed at making life simpler, easier, quicker, less painful, etc. Every solution has to be advertised with phrases like, "For only $29.99" or "In just 3 weeks", catering to our aversion to conflict, hard-work and suffering.

What about my own life?

Are there things, habits or decisions that I choose based on avoiding conflict? I know in conversations that's a tendency I have. But what about other areas? Do I always choose the path of least resistance?

I wonder what it would do for our lives if we faced conflict head on, with strength and courage and humility and gentleness? I wonder what my life would look like...

All The Way From Michigan Not Mars

2009-11-21T11:41:00.005-05:00

I just watched Rosie Thomas' All the Way From Michigan Not Mars DVD last night. It was pretty amazing, amusing and inspiring. I actually laughed out loud, literally. That was probably the only time I could've typed "LOL" and not been exaggerating. It made me want to go see her play, but she's only on the west coast currently. The movie, which was a mixture of documentary and live shows, did a great job of capturing Rosie Thomas' personality, which is wildly enigmatic to me. In person, in interviews, she is chatty, almost as if she has ADD. She's very bubbly and cheerful, in an artsy way. Once she starts singing, however, it's like time slows to a crawl, the audience falls silent and something beautiful happens. It's like a 180. Several times in the movie, she was on stage with Sufjan Stevens and Denison Witmer, joking around and laughing pretty hard, only to go into the next song and have the audience, and me for that matter, on the edge of their seats and a million miles away, feeling so deeply something that refused to be named or identified. I'm not sure if it's empathy, nostalgia or longing. Something in Rosie Thomas' music is pulling. It sucks you in and rolls you around and around and around, in the most mellow way you could imagine. And then, when the song was over, it was like coming up for air. And she makes that air very vulnerable, yet easy, and free from any pretension. It's like her music and personality strips away all the pretense, all the show, everything that tries to present itself in a better light, and leaves room for us to be ourselves and not feel alone or awkward.

I kept saying to myself as I watched... "I want to make music like this."

(I highly recommend getting the DVD. It comes with a vinyl, too.)

Coats and Hats and Being Your True Self

2009-11-20T09:17:00.003-05:00

"...the world sets in to making us what the world would like us to be, and because we have to survive after all, we try to make ourselves into something that we hope the world will like better than it apparently did the selves we originally were. That is the story of all our lives, needless to say, and in the process of living out that story, the original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us hardly end up living out of it at all. Instead, we live out all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather." (emphasis added by me) - Frederick Buechner

I read this this morning and it wrung sadly true. I wish I could say I was living out the phrase, "Let people feel the weight of who you are, and let them deal with it." Unfortunately, I know I'm not. There's something strange and sinister at work in this world, that makes us hide from each other.

I'm just beginning to see and understand this in myself. It feels at times like a subconscious prison that I don't realize I'm in, but that completely keeps me from being free and fully alive. "Our original, shimmering self"... Do we really believe that who we are deep down is worth letting other people see? That they need who you really are, not who you think they need? That reminds me of another quote, "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive. Because what the world truly needs is people who have come alive."

Expect another blog post about this soon...

If It's in You, You Have to Write

2009-11-16T16:19:00.002-05:00

"If it's in you, you have to write."

That's one of the many quotes I wrote down from this past weekend's Songwriting Boot Camp near Seattle, WA. It was an amazing time, filled with lots of music theory, song critiquing and speakers encouraging us aspiring song-writers to write, write, write.

I came back a sickness. I caught the songwriting bug.

The only downside to that is not having the time to do it as much as I'd like. That, of course, causes a plethora of what-ifs and internal scheming, grasping at straws for anything that would restructure my busy life to allow more downtime for writing. How do we find that ever-elusive balance of living from our hearts and meeting our responsibilities? I feel as though far too many of us, as Americans, whether through resignation or lack of opportunity, give up on our hearts and simply do what's expected of us. We take whatever jobs we can and pay the bills, without much thought to what makes us come alive. In this particular economy, it comes across even more so as a luxury. It's part of the American Dream, though, to be able to enter the free market economy and sell your goods or services and make a life for yourself. Somewhere along the way, it seems like many of us stopped asking what makes us come alive, and just started asking what the world needs and what the world will buy. We've sacrificed passion on the alter of pragmatism.

Is there another way? Are these questions just the ranting of an ungrateful, spoiled American who doesn't appreciate the opportunities and privileges that he has? If so, what do we do with our desires and passions? The only option in the face of such condemnation at these questions, is to let our hearts die the slow death of safety and tenured employment.

I'm aware of the need for us to be content, to be truly grateful for the jobs we have and the pay checks we receive and I don't want to swing the pendulum completely the other way. Starving artists may be living from their hearts, but they're probably also malnourished and mooching off their friends and family in a way that is straining relationships.

So how do we live from the hearts that God has put in us, while accepting the responsibilities that we've been given and need to be faithful to?

A Waste of Perfectly Good Emotion

2009-11-05T08:46:00.004-05:00

I was reading David Dark's book, "The Sacredness of Questioning Everything", last night and came across a section that grabbed my attention and wouldn't let me keep reading. I had to put the book down and just ponder what I had read as I fell asleep.

He was quoting something he had read or heard, someone's response after watching a particular movie, that perhaps had Tom Hanks or someone in it. When asked about it, the man responded favorably, that he had liked the movie well enough. But after seeing the man's hesitation or that he clearly had more going on under the surface, he was asked what else was on his mind. He responded, "Seemed like a waste of perfectly good emotion."

That struck me. As Dark went on to discuss the evils of our TV-infatuated society, I started drifting off on a rabbit trail of my own. I started thinking about the emotions I experience when I watch movies or certain shows and started considering that quote...

"A waste of perfectly good emotion."

The inspiration of Biggest Loser, the excitement of Monday Night Football, the persevering love in The Notebook, the warmth of family and love of Love Actually, the justice and compassion in Extreme Home Makeover... so many random emotions. And I started wondering, are these wasted emotions? These shows and movies are not bad in and of themselves. Not at all. They can be beautiful glimpses into what makes us human and what makes life beautiful. But, for instance, even before reading Dark's latest book, I couldn't stand Extreme Home Makeover because I felt manipulated. They got my eyes to tear up and I didn't even know them. I think I resented being taken advantage of emotionally. Part of why that show is so emotional is because it speaks to something deeply human in us. I'm not questioning that at all. What I am questioning is what good is that? What good does it do for me to get a little teary-eyed at the end of a show in the comfort of my living room? I simply change the channel, or shut the TV off and go about whatever is next in my day. Then, it really does feel like a waste of emotion...

Instead of sitting on the couch for an hour, getting a little misty-eyed with compassion for a family that is struggling and gets help, what if I took the time to get to know my real neighbors and found out what their needs were? What if I spent that hour, which would have been spent sitting on my couch watching people I'll never meet or help, helping a real neighbor of mine? What if my tears were because I really helped a friend who was discouraged, or helped a neighbor fix their fence or shovel their driveway? Would I be moved to tears then?

Yes. I would. It's happened. Not to the point of sobbing like a baby. But after a silly situation where I went 5 minutes out of my way to help one of my physical neighbors, I was flooded by an over-whelming sense of emotion. I'm not even sure what it was. Compassion? Gratitude? Or just a deep realization and sensation that we are broken people and something transcendent takes place when we choose to love each other?

Disclaimer: The situation above does not happen regularly. In fact, truth be told, I drove past my neighbor and had to battle my own selfishness until I finally turned around and went back to help. I definitely don't want to paint myself as a saint.

Thinking back on the emotions that came with helping someone, with no thought of getting something in return, I am puzzled why I don't seek out more opportunities to help my neighbors more. There was something freely and alive in me during, but especially afterward, as I drove on my way. I felt changed. And I think that was because those emotions weren't wasted. I interacted with a real human. His needs were met and my heart was expanded.

I don't think we need to throw out our TVs and start picketing outside Comcast's offices. But maybe I need to be more intentional with how I spend my time, to balance my movie-watching with participating in the real-life stories of the people around me.

Think of the millions of people who probably watch Extreme Home Makeover. Think of their combined salaries and time. Think of the neighborhoods that those millions of people inhabit. Think of the neighbors, in adjacent houses who are hurting and could use some help and compassion. And think of how many hours we just sit on our couches, tearing-up that some random family somewhere in the country got a really big house when they were down-and-out, oblivious to the people around us who may even be watching the same show, wishing someone would help them like that...

I hope that's not manipulative or guilt-inducing. That's not my intention. I'm simply wrestling with my own self-centered life and wondering about the ways that I could love my real neighbors more, and in doing so, experience deep emotions that aren't wasted.

What Lies Have You Fallen For?

2009-11-03T12:44:00.004-05:00

As I've been processing things lately, I have been bumping up against thoughts and words and phrases that come up to the surface in the midst of emotional upheaval. Phrases like, "I felt like God pulled the rug out from under me", "God doesn't seem to really be that concerned with me" or "It's like there's something deeply wrong with me..."

I've read a few books by John Eldridge in the past few years and while I am frustrated by the way he tends to proof-text quite a bit (pulling verses slightly out-of-context to support an already-assumed-to-be-true statement... It's like, Dude, what you said is true—you don't need a verse for it...), I have been introduced to some spiritual/psychological concepts that ring extremely true. He talks about how we experience emotional wounds as we grow up, and that our enemy, the devil, uses these in his hatred for us and God, to deceive us and lie to us and get us to agree with his spin on what is real and true about God, the world and ourselves, imprisoning us in a mire of self-preservation, fear, anger and loneliness.

I am finding that there are a lot of lies that I believe, bits of experiences that have been distorted to push seeds of doubt deep into the soil of God's character. Once they've been planted, so many experiences after that only serve to water and nourish those lies and deceptions, causing deep emotional and spiritual strongholds that we erect in order to survive and cope with the things we've experienced, the pain we've dealt with and the confusion we've struggled under.

If the devil isn't real or there isn't some personal evil being in the world that is set against me, the pain and suffering in this world can only be blamed on two people. God or myself. Maybe you could say the physical, material world, but that would fall back on God's shoulders (in the absence of a real Villain in this Story). So, in light of the pain in this world, God is holding out on us and we can't really trust Him. Or there is something deeply broken and evil in us that is beyond hope and we deserve all the misery that we experience.

That is the lie. C.S. Lewis, in The Screwtape Letters, talks about the primary tool used by satan and the fallen angels with him is to deceive us humans into believing that evil spirits do not exist. And if we believe that they don't exist, when they actually do, we are forced to make false conclusions about the world around us because we have this innate and God-image-bearing tendency to cry out for justice. Someone is to blame for evil. God, me or the devil. And if the devil can make me dismiss him as a real player in all this, then evil is God's fault or mine.

I don't know if that whole thought process makes any sense to any of you. I know that was kinda paradigm-shifting for me. The devil is kind of like the bogeyman in a lot of churches... not really talked about. And then so many people go over-board with the whole "spiritual warfare" side of things that it caricatures that reality into some hocus-pocus mumbo-jumbo. Especially in this post-modern, science-worshiping culture of ours.

The reason I think it's critical for us to acknowledge this is because we're crippled if we don't. We cut ourselves off from most of the spiritual and emotional healing that is possible if we're casting blame in the wrong place. It would be like refusing to go to the doctor because you somehow conclude that since medicine cures the flu, and the doctor has the medicine, but allowed you to get sick in the first place, the doctor is evil, when in reality, he is the one you need to see most. Or worse, that you deserve to be sick, so you don't seek help at all.

I've found that these "lies" in my life only surface under emotional pain. I don't typically notice them when I'm just going through the motions of life. But once the status quo is jostled off its center and things aren't coasting along normally, I find strange thoughts just beneath the surface.

I think we need this. We need to go deeper. We need to scrape away the topsoil and see what's underneath. Especially because anything less leaves us treating the symptoms of brokenness with little behavior-modification band-aids. And it keeps us from being honest and authentic with God and each other. It's the whole, "If you walk in the Light as He is in the Light, we have fellowship with each other" thing. Life has created some dark cracks and shadows in our lives, that the devil has whispered into and brainwashed us with. We need the healing light of redemption and transparency and healing if we are ever going to experience wholeness.

So, don't necessarily comment on here about it, but take some time and think about the emotional pain you experience or even the things that you "struggle" with in life and go deeper. Ask yourself why you do them? Ask how it feels? What do you think about God or yourself in those moments? I'm finding that I've wasted a lot of time going through the motions of pursuing God, when in reality, I've not been real with Him and faced up to situations in the past where I felt betrayed and abandoned by Him. I'm not exactly sure where to go with that, for as a friend said, "Clarity does not equal healing." But I know it's a start. Hopefully, a small step towards a deeper, more authentic and life-giving experience with God.

Come on! You only live once!

2009-10-29T23:11:00.004-04:00

We've all heard someone say it.

Strangely, after hearing someone prodded towards a particular decision with this phrase, I got lost in my own world of wondering why we say that so flippantly, whether we really believe it and if it was really true, how our lives would be so drastically different.

You only live once.

If people really believed that there is nothing after death, then yes, do what you want, try new things, take risks (calculated ones—don't want to accidentally end it too early), because we live one life and then we die. Others of us believe there is, in fact, something after death, another life. So, we shouldn't use the phrase, technically, because we're advocating behavior based on something that we don't actually believe. Am I splitting hairs? Or do we, in practice, show that we don't really believe as confidently as we'd like to? Or that the life to come is somehow going to be limited or diminished in its potential for Life, resulting in an urgency to try things and do things in the moment in this life, since the opportunity in the next won't be there? Do we think it will be boring? Or has this phrase just come to embody the warning against procrastination that means we may miss opportunities in this life that won't repeat themselves? That's probably it, though you would think we'd come up with a different phrase, like, "Chances don't come twice." or something like that. We tie it to living and imply that after death, live won't be as vibrant or exciting.

You only live once.

I guess it just gets me, because I rarely think about heaven. Do you? Do any of us who profess to be Christians? Is it just wishful-thinking for the oppressed and suffering? I don't think it is. I think there is something True behind our desires for peace, and love and the absence of pain and suffering, etc. Our desire for perfection and our sense of the way things ought to be, I believe, does, in fact, come from a time and reality somehow outside our own in which all things are set right and made to be as they should be. I guess that's why that phrase, "You only live once" got under my skin tonight. This life is hard. It's complex, painful and confusing. And that phrase just sounds like grabbing at what little happiness you can get in the moment, because, despite all the pain, this life is our only shot at feeling alive and whatever comes after won't really live up to our expectations. Certain seasons of life make it hard to take your eyes off yourself to see what's going on around you, let alone what might go on after we die.

As a Christian, technically I believe we live twice. We don't know exactly what the next life will be like. A long boring church service? Floating through white, puffy clouds? Playing football and golf forever? A big, happy family reunion? Procreating with virgins to fill our own planet? A happily ever after where we know and feel and experience the deep, abiding love of our Creator and Savior and Lover and King that never wavers, in which we are utterly free with child-like wonder to explore and learn and grow and create and love with no bounds and no worries and no fears and no pain?...

If we really believe that last picture of heaven is mostly accurate, shouldn't it affect our lives more? It doesn't seem to, at least not in our daily actions and interactions. Is that a unfair expectation (I realize I have a lot of those when it comes to spiritual things...)? Why do we live with such a limited, near-sighted vision of this life and the one to come? I would think, if we truly believed heaven to be all the good, beauty and truth that this life has to offer only more so and perfected experience, we would live differently. Obviously, like Paul said, it would be better to be with Jesus, but killing ourselves to get there earlier seems... counter-intuitive or sabotaging... leaving the option of living THIS life in a particular way. What way? What is the proper way to live this life that is an appropriate response to the desire and hope of the better life to come?

Perhaps that's where C.S. Lewis' observation rings true, that with every decision, we are becoming a creature more fit for heaven or a creature more fit for hell... So, as I anxiously await that happily ever after, is the point of this life to teach us how live within heaven's kingdom? Or simply for us to tell other people to cry out to Jesus to save them so they can go there, too, leaving us scurrying for converts so we can feel like we're succeeding?

I am currently wrestling with finding some purpose in life, if you can't tell =)

It's late. Thanks for reading... Goodnight!

Distrusting God

2009-10-27T14:06:00.002-04:00

I haven't been doing much thinking of any kind lately since I've been sick for almost a week now, with some kind of bronchial infection, but medicine is bringing back mental clarity along with the good health, so it's time for another blog post.

“Satan came into the Garden and whispered to Adam and Eve—and in them, to all of us—‘You cannot trust the heart of God . . . he’s holding out on you . . . you’ve got to take matters under your control.’ He sowed the seed of mistrust in our hearts; he tempted us to seize control.

It’s the same lie he is using in your life today, by the way: “Trusting God is way too risky. You’re far too vulnerable. Rewrite the Story. Give yourself a better part. Arrange for your own happiness. Disregard him.”

(Epic , 54, 55)

I am finding this to be true. I understand that we all have differing beliefs and experiences regarding the supernatural and spiritual warfare, but along with believing in God's existence, it is logical for me to believe in the existence of a real personal evil being, which the Bible calls Satan. For me at this point, it's just acknowledging that there is a real presence of evil in the world, apart from humanity's imperfections, that is actively working to keep us from experiencing God and all the good, beautiful and truthful expressions of Him in the world. In the quote above, I think Eldridge really captures the root of the story in Genesis of the fall of mankind. The questions that the serpent posed to Eve, "Did God really say...?" aren't blatant attacks on the character of God. The serpent didn't pop out of the bushes, apparently, and say, "God is evil!" or "Worship me instead of God!" ... the serpent simply, innocently asked Eve to double-check what she thought was true. Are you sure God has your best interest at heart? And faced with that uncertainty, the uncertainty that is necessary and inescapable in a free world with love as the ultimate goal, Adam and Eve decided to make a backup plan and chose to err on the side of caution, just in case God was lying or wouldn't take care of them.

The quote above really hits home for me. I can see, from experiences I've had, that I have had those same questions whispered to me in the dark, from the imperceptible corners of circumstances, causing me to build up walls to protect myself from being abandoned or betrayed by the God I thought loved me or would care for me.

So now, I am trying to slide out from underneath those questions and deceptions, and at some base level, come honestly to God. I don't want to simply shake my fist in frustration or hunker down for the long winter of resignation to fear and uncertainty. I don't want to assume that I know what's best, but at the same time, I want to hold up my experiences to the light and be honest with God with the situations that have left me confused at His inactivity or doubtful of His love. I'm not sure where this will go. I'm not sure if I'll have some grand epiphany where God explains the mysteries of pain to me, but I figure it's a start. And hopefully, at some base level, coming to God honestly is showing a sign of trust that matters to Him. That He won't squash us in His wrath when we can't see clearly what He's doing and when it hurts and He didn't seem to do anything about it.

It's a weird thing, to hope that God is how I hope He is. Somewhere beneath the surface, there is this deep hope that God is infinitely understanding and forgiving and merciful. A hope that our questions don't piss Him off. That our doubts, though they might sting a little, don't send God into a fit of wrath where He sadistically plots our punishment at the moment when we least expect it. The vengeful, wrathful God of the Old Testament seems so radically different from Jesus, that it is still hard at times to hope that God is tender towards us and infinitely patient with our struggles. Not our habitual sin, but the fears and doubts and questions and confusions that life keeps bogging us down with...

The Bible says God is love. I really hope that's true...

Reason vs. Emotion

2009-10-19T16:29:00.002-04:00

I'm learning that most of our rational or intellectual hangups about God are rarely the issue. I mean, if God was able to be comprehended completely by simply using reason and logic, I think a far greater number of people would believe and follow Him. There's a lot of smart people out there! But that's not how we relate to each other, so I'm beginning to see that we don't relate to God that way either, try as we might. The way we know a person is completely different from the way we know our way home or how to do long division (if we remember how!)...

The real issue that we have with God is when He doesn't do things that we think He's supposed to. I'm not even meaning that we think we know better than Him and He should do things our way. I'm talking about the times when our experiences with God and the things we've been taught about God have lead us to expect certain things from Him, or to assume He interacts with the world a particular way. And when He doesn't, it hurts. It confuses us. I thought God cared. I thought if I trusted Him, this wouldn't happen to me. So, in an effort to understand our pain and confusion, we start deconstructing the things we thought were true. And this is dangerous territory, I think, because as I believe God is real, then I must logically allow for the devil and fallen angels and spirits to be real. In the midst of pain, we can succumb to all sorts of deceptions and false conclusions. Sure, God loves the world, but I guess He doesn't really love me. Something must be wrong with me that this happened. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe God just doesn't care. I guess I'm alone in this. We take concepts that we were taught to be true, like that God is good, and let our experiences become the deciding evidences. At least, that's what I tend to do.

And so, without going into detail, I have realized that my intellectual hesitations are probably just defense mechanisms to bury or distract myself from unhealed emotional pain. I feel like this is a good first step. To realize this, that is. The next step seems to be allowing myself to feel the weight of that brokenness and crying out to God, by being honest.

I'm thankful for friends who are walking with me through these things and praying for me.

Yes, I Love Technology, Always and Forever

2009-10-16T09:19:00.002-04:00

A long time ago, I wrote this song lyric:

"Little plastic boxes pressed to our heads
Sending through space all the things that we've said
Now we may never lose touch,
But we forget how to feel
Deceiving ourselves that that contact is real
Technology is winning..."

Now, admittedly, technology is also doing a lot of good, so just railing against technology as a blanket statement is not fair. It is amazing to think about how quickly technology has advanced, even over the past ten years, and what is has done to our communication landscape. Letters have become emails, discussions at the coffee shop have become online message boards, chat rooms (does anyone use them anymore?) have become comments back and forth on Facebook and casual interactions with the people you see daily have expanded exponentially to all the people you know or have ever known, through text messages, Facebook status updates and Tweets. Now we just post things about ourselves and hope people notice us by commenting on them. It seems like the whole cultural landscape has become so narcissistic. I confess, I'm tempted these days to delete my Facebook account, and at least retreat technologically back to communicating through email.

Is this technology creep we see in our communication a good thing? Text messages are definitely convenient, but is the convenience worth the way it cheapens conversation and relationships to a simple exchange of information or answer to a question? I completely admit how quick and easy a text message is and all the instances where it seems to be a benefit. But I can also think of the countless times where it is easier to text someone and get a short response, rather than engaging them and having a conversation.

I think why this has been on my mind lately is that time is so fleeting and hard to find. We are so busy with life and are living at such a high speed that we need our communications to keep up. We are so busy with work and tasks, that we are squeezing people in and around the things we have to do. I don't think this is a good trend. The car has become when most of my phone calls and text messages happen. Which means, for the bulk of my communications, I'm sitting by myself, rather than with the person I'm communicating with... so I lose tone of voice, body language, etc.

What can we do to slow things down? I know some people that don't get text messages on their phones... And there are still the few hold-outs that don't have Facebook...

Maybe we should go back to letter-writing?

Your Feedback and God's Goodness

2009-10-15T09:50:00.006-04:00

I know there are 7 of you following this blog. Do you check back often to read posts or check if I've posted new ones? Let me know!

I hesitate to post this post, for I have a feeling it will sadden or frustrate some of you... But I'd rather not have these thoughts rattling around in my head alone... Welcome to my over-thinking.

In my current phase of life, I am wrestling with the idea of God's goodness. Some people claim that simply by knowing that God sent His son to die for us is all the proof we need. For them, that settles it and anything that questions that is ingratitude and heresy. Some people look to the bulk of life in general, and are thankful for all the basic normal things in life that are so easily "taken for granted". You woke up today. You can breathe without intense pain in your lungs. You can get out of bed without someone's assistance. You are rich enough to afford transportation to a job that many people don't have right now. You know how to use a computer and you aren't blind and are able to read this blog post. There is no end to the mundane aspects of life that, if taken away, we would be worse off without. This is all attributed to the goodness of God, or His infinite patience and mercy. And since we are so evil and vile, it is purely mercy that God doesn't torture us instead as punishment for our depravity. The latter form of gratitude borders on obligation, when contrasted with how wicked and undeserving we apparently are.

I can see truths hidden in both of these concepts. It makes sense to me to have a sense of appreciation and gratitude for the basics of life, that for some, are a luxury. I don't want to take things for granted. And believing that God sacrificed His own son to reconcile us to Himself is such an extreme example of selfless love. Believing God would go to that length to provide salvation to us is deeply humbling.

So that brings us to the present. There is a tension between experience and what I mostly believe to be true. Unanswered prayers, confusion, fear, deep emotional pain... all these things scream out for explanation. Why does God seem inactive or passive? Why doesn't He communicate clearly if these situations are supposed to teach us something? Why doesn't He empower us to overcome the things in us the bind us and frustrate us? Why does He allow the devil and other evil spirits (if that is a legitimate factor in why life hasn't turned out like we want it to) to defeat us? Why does He allow fears and insecurities and emotional wounds to go unhealed?

I'm not sure. But that's the root of why I am wrestling with God's goodness. I want to believe that He is good. This is not my attempt at throwing off the shackles of religion so I can do what I want. These questions are at the heart of the gospel. I suppose, in some sense, I don't trust God. At least not for healing. Not for interaction. I can trust that Jesus died 2000 years ago and that God wants us to trust Him that we can't earn salvation and must risk and trust that Jesus' death covers our sins and makes us right with God. But that feels worlds different from trusting God in the face of constant disappointment, unmet desires and ongoing captivity to fear, confusion and over-thinking.

Someone suggested maybe I've never actually experienced God as He truly is. Maybe the version of God that I'm so frustrated by and feel abandoned/neglected by isn't the real God? Maybe the church I grew up in painted a picture of God that was distorted and untrue. An idol, a facsimile. It is hard to say at this point.

I'm not giving up on this yet. I'm just trying to be honest with my feelings, thoughts and questions, while not losing sight of the fact that I am human, and therefore, I do not know everything. I understand and submit to the fact that God IS higher and more transcendent than I am. He does not have to do things my way, because my way is decidedly myopic. But I can't avoid the parts of me that feel broken, or the silence and frustration with the idea of a personal relationship with God. I can't pretend that those things don't haunt me and wear me down.

I'm trying to find hope that God still has mercy towards us, even if we feel like we're losing sight of who He really is. I hope He understands, in this fallen, broken world, how difficult it is for some of us to believe and trust Him. It would be nice to shut off this brain and just simply believe everything. That'd be a hell of a lot easier. Thinking through all this stuff feels like such a burden, but I don't know how to shut it off.

Or maybe it's not a head issue? Maybe it's a heart issue and my heart is unwilling to risk trusting God... maybe I'm too afraid that He will let me down and disappoint... and if God lets us down... what then? There's no safety net after that.

And maybe these posts are too vulnerable and incriminating for the interwebs?! DANG.

The Big Three Oh

2009-10-05T14:32:00.002-04:00

I am now 30 years old.

I still don't really feel like I know what I'm doing and haven't learned how to shut off my brain and just live in the moment. That makes strange distinction, implying one is either smart and self-aware OR one is dumb and just gives in to the current emotions, desires and impulses and makes decisions in the moment. That's not exactly what I meant.

I realize "30 is the new 20", which, honestly, doesn't do much for the sake of easing the mixed emotions of turning thirty. Our culture is drastically different from 2o or 30 years ago. With the internet, cell phones, video games, etc. our cultural landscape is and has shifted. Most of us are in a perpetual state of "arrested development" (Hey, that's the name of a show!) We are raised by our families and schools and churches to progress through the hoops of ever increasing levels and accomplishments. First day of school. Graduating middle school. Getting a driver's license. Graduating high school. Graduating college. Once you do that, get a job that pays your bills... and then? If you choose (or it works out in your favor that way), you can get married and have kids and become a bystander on their journey through those rites of passage... vicious circle.

What do you do once you've graduated from college and you have a job that pays the bills? The American Dream says get all you can to live comfortably and safely. Buy more stuff. That's just garbage. It doesn't make anyone happy, it just dulls the pain of not having a freakin' clue about what makes life worth living and how to find deep lasting satisfaction. But, if you can't put your finger on how to live, it's so easy to slide back into being comfortable. Settle for a nice, quiet life. Be content with that. Eat, drink and be happy.

Is that it? I know the book of Ecclesiastes concludes that about life, especially when you take God out of the picture. But that doesn't seem consistent with the whole of the Bible... if it that's simple... God wasted a whole hell of a lot of His and our time in preserving all these other things in the Bible... Christianity is obviously more than just eat, drink and be happy. Otherwise, Jesus wouldn't have had to come to earth and die on the cross, etc. That just wouldn't have been necessary...

Is it "telling people about Jesus"? Getting people "saved"? There's something so flat to that, in my experience. The church I grew up in lacked so much in terms of understanding the gospel in a holistic sense. They had no idea how to train disciples of Christ, they just knew how to make converts. I think this has been true of a lot of churches in America. That's not a huge stone that I'm throwing, because I know there's a lot of good intentions behind that. But just telling people that they are sinful and Jesus died to save them... seems shallow and irrelevant. Because, so if they say a prayer and believe what you scare them with, what then? You've now just created a Christian who is scared of hell and the whole of Christianity to them has been introduced to them as fire-insurance from hell that has NOTHING to say about regular day-to-day life. There's nothing loving... well, there's something loving in that, maybe, but it's so incomplete and insufficient at explaining the good news that Jesus Christ supposedly is...

All this is coming around to say this:

The culture around me gives an explanation for how to find life, the American Dream. Be selfish, greedy if necessary, to amass as much stuff as you can to live comfortably and safely and free from any kind of suffering.

The version of Christianity I've experienced for most of my life taught me that life is found in serving God by trying to get people saved, by telling them they are bound for hell unless they pray to receive Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

These two avenues for finding life are pathetically lacking. Jesus said, love God and love your neighbor as yourself. That seems a little more simple, yet powerful, and difficult to do. But it's a start... but that really just deals with the day to day living...

How do I understand where I am today? As a 30 year-old, what do I do with this desire for a tangible purpose? Try to silence it? That doesn't seem wise, responsible or plausible.

So, I guess that's what I'm questioning right now. What's the most important thing for me to be? To learn? To strive for? To do? I feel like I'm in a weird transition season of life, but transitioning to what?

I've read things by John Piper and others, who quote the Westminster Catechism, that says something like, the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

But what does that look like? How do we enjoy a God we don't see, taste, hear, touch or smell? How do we glorify a God that we barely understand or experience, who seems unkind or passive or cruel or altogether absent to so many?

These are just some of my questions at the beginning of my 4th decade on this ball of dirt spinning its way through the cosmos. Life is so short... What makes it count for something?

Body, Soul, Spirit

2009-10-01T12:07:00.005-04:00

I have never taken the time to think through this much, and I'm not confident it is necessary, but I have been listening to a podcast of Peter Kreeft's and he explained that the body is our relation to the world, our soul is our relation to ourselves and others, and our spirit is our relation to God.

I thought that was a pretty insightful explanation and support for the body/soul/spirit idea versus just the body/soul idea.

But like I said, practically speaking, I'm not aware of the immediate implications of believing one way or another...

When Life Is Too Busy To Actually Live...

2009-09-29T13:57:00.003-04:00

I think I've posted about this before, but I am definitely feeling the weight of the "tyranny of the urgent".

How do we slow down? How do we say "no" to more things and prioritize which things to say "yes" to?

Life is too short to live it without knowing what you're living for. That's what I'm trying to figure out. What will make my life worth living?

Deism?

2009-09-22T14:29:00.002-04:00

To you who may read this, in your experience, what helps you recognize and put rational faith in God's active intervention in your life? How do you have sense of God's working in and around you? How do you know what prayers God "answers" and what to do with those "answers"?

I feel like God is pretty passive, or at least that's how I tend to interpret the events of my life. It is ridiculously difficult for me to see/recognize/believe that God is engaged and active with me. In my experience, sometimes I feel like I am a deist. I believe God exists, but I have precious little to go on that says He is alive and active in my life today... I believe He IS, but that belief hangs on a thread most of the time and is so hard to put words to...

If God IS truly working in and around me, I want to recognize it more. I want my senses and mind to be trained to distinguish what is His activity versus just life happening. Or is God active in everything? Is this email divinely directed? Are the words I'm choosing to type pre-planned and part of God's plan to bring about good? I've been really wrestling lately with my own personal experience with God. The head knowledge is strong and logical, but the spiritual experiences are flimsy and sporadic, stained with doubts and questions. And my inability to find solid experience to stand on, tends to erode at the things that I think I believe to be true. Then everything starts to get weird and existential and exhausting.

Any thoughts?

Or is all of this just a weird emotional by-product of being too busy and not spending time with God?

Practical Agnostics

2009-09-17T17:59:00.002-04:00

This is from the Daily Reading email I got a few days ago:

"So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell

Can it possibly get any more uncertain than this? We so long for life to be better than it is. We wish the beauty and love and adventure would stay and that someone strong and kind would show us how to make the Arrows go away. We hope that God will be our hero. Of all the people in the universe, he could stop the Arrows and arrange for just a little more blessing in our lives. He can spin the earth, change the weather, topple governments, obliterate armies, and resurrect the dead. Is it too much to ask that he intervene in our story? But he often seems aloof, almost indifferent to our plight, so entirely out of our control. Would it be any worse if there were no God? If he didn’t exist, at least we wouldn’t get our hopes up. We could settle once and for all that we really are alone in the universe and get on with surviving as best we may.

This is, in fact, how many professing Christians end up living: as practical agnostics. Perhaps God will come through, perhaps he won’t, so I’ll be hanged if I’ll live as though he had to come through. I’ll hedge my bets and if he does show up, so much the better..."

This really captures a lot of the subconscious struggle I have with God. I don't particularly want to be a deist, but I am really bad at seeing and recognizing God's action around me. And I understand that it is faith either way, to say "God provided this opportunity" or to say "This just happened to fall into my lap". So, how do we choose to take our faith in the direction of believing that God is intervening in our lives, actively and attentively, without surrendering the rational, intelligent part of ourselves that needs some logic on which to base decisions on.

Why does it matter, you ask? It matters because so much of Christianity is predicated on the active love of God, pursuing us. I don't want to diminish Jesus' death on the cross to pay for my sin at all, but... how do I put this without sounding heretical... It's a starting block. Or at least, it should be, in my eyes. Take it to a marriage analogy. If the husband signs the marriage license, what kind of husband would he be if he never spoke to his wife, never cared for her in ways that she recognized? And when she would question or ask about his lack of affection or visible signs of his love, what if he would bring up the fact that he signed the marriage license and would shame her for being ungrateful? I can't picture God being that way. Even if the initial act was so powerfully loving, initiating a potential lifetime of intimacy and joy, if he didn't continue to show and express love to her in ways she recognized, what kind of husband would he be?

That seems fairly accusatory of me and that's why I can't really get behind that sentiment. The next logical conclusion I come to is that I really suck at listening to and recognizing God's current care for me. Or, allowing for the spiritual realm to be real, the devil is also actively warring to keep me from sensing and knowing God's active love for me.

Underneath all of this, I feel like I am just too busy. I am not making time to be still and quiet, so I don't feel any deep peace or centeredness. I am just running from task to task, conversation to conversation and I think over several weeks, I've just lost my bearings a little bit.

Christian or Secular?

2009-09-10T10:08:00.005-04:00

I had someone ask me today, if the music I write is Christian or secular... and I was dumbfounded for a split second. It caught me off guard and I didn't know how to answer. I don't mean this to sound condescending at all, but it has just been so long since I've interacted with anyone who operates in those categories in relation to music that I probably looked at her like she had two heads at first. My response was a question, hoping to clarify what she meant, "What do you mean? If I'm a Christian, does that mean the music I write is Christian?" I think she wasn't expecting a question in response, because it took her a second to answer and she definitely seemed like she hadn't been asked to expand on what she meant before that. As I somewhat anticipated, she went on to distinguish between songs about God and living life for Him, versus songs relating to relationships and love, etc.

I hope I am bringing those two worlds together under the same roof. I don't want to operate in a secular mode and then a Christian mode. I want to find God's presence in all of it, without losing my ability to relate with the physical and emotional realities around me. I'm not sure about how to gently prod and push those who still operate in this mindset. There are probably some benefits, some glimpses of good intentions behind it. On the whole, I think it is a harmful and divisive way of viewing the world and I have a hard time accepting that it's a biblical view. Music is a gift. For me, it's a medium for expressing my thoughts and emotions. I have no agenda. I hope it is consistent with who I am and who I understand God to be. But is this post Christian or secular? Is my job Christian or secular? Is the last conversation I had with you Christian or secular? If we are truly following Christ and experiencing God in our daily lives, then everything we do should have the scent of heaven in it. There should be an intentional union between the mundane and the holy in our lives. I have not arrived at this, by any stretch. But after this morning, I'm reminded that I want my life to be this way. I want my ordinary daily interactions and actions to be honest and unpretentious, but at the same time, soaked in or haunted by God's reality and presence. Especially for the Christ-follower/believer, God is always with us, so nothing should be considered "secular" and everything should be "Christian" which would make the label unnecessary. It would be like asking if my music is human music...

Assumed Expectations = Irrational Fear of Failure

2009-09-03T10:09:00.004-04:00

So I've had a bit of a revelation lately. Perhaps an epiphany, if you will.

I've continued to question and search through the reasons why I am single as I approach the ripe old age of 30. Not that 30 is a magical number, because I would be asking the same questions if I was still 27 or if I was single and 34. Relationships have always been difficult for me, for some reason. Exploring "why" has been a vague, convoluted and often discouraging process. But I think I'm coming to a light at the end of the tunnel (hopefully, not a freight train coming at me, like Metallica sang). There might be some more turns and introspective discoveries left to unearth, but the past couple of days have been shedding light on something for me.

I am afraid of failing. That might not be so abnormal for men, since we are typically very task-oriented, rather than relational (stereotypically true of women). When it comes to relationships though, for whatever reasons, I have a deep fear of failing that keeps me from opening up and letting my heart love/trust, etc. And—this is the epiphany part—I'm pretty sure it's because, in my task-oriented brain, I assume women have an expectation of me. They expect something of a boyfriend. They expect something of the pursuit. And the source of my fear comes from not knowing what their expectations are. They don't hand out a Expectations and Requirements Document on the first date! So I have spent years and years, basically guessing at what various women want, trying to be "successful", trying to be what they want, but never settling into a peaceful, joyful relationship of honesty and intimacy. This insatiable need to be what someone wants has only led to heartbreak.

The freeing part of this epiphany is that my assumption is wrong. Women may have expectations, desires, etc. but it is not my place to guess what they are OR try to fit into what they want. I need to learn to be myself and be okay that if it doesn't work out, it is an okay kind of "failure" (in the sense that the relationship didn't end in marriage). Like Einstein or Bell said (I forget), when asked about the thousands of failures when trying to discover... a conductor for the light bulb... or something, "I didn't fail, I found X thousand elements that don't work". I don't know why I have tried to be what a woman wants. I suppose it is a form of validation, a desire to be liked. Understanding that it really doesn't count and is artificial if I'm not being myself is crucial. So I am still processing this, but I feel like this is an important discovery about myself. I don't need to try to guess at whether or not I will say the right thing or do exactly what's necessary to "win" a girl over or whatever. I will probably be awkward. Or forget a birthday. Or completely disagree on something. That's okay. I'm not perfect... I shouldn't expect myself to be, because no realistic woman is expecting that of me, either.

The convicting part of this epiphany comes when I take the plank out of my own eye... Do I expect things of other people? Is that why I assume women do the same for me? Is expectation the wrong word? Is it simply that we all have desires and wants and that's okay when they don't mesh and result in marriage? It's challenging to consider that I might hold people up to a standard of perfection that isn't fair...

In any case, I feel a small burden lifting in this area of relationships. I'm thankful to God for even this seemingly basic revelation. Maybe most of you readers are thinking to yourself, "Duh.", but for those of us who missed that bus back in high school, it's amazing the promise of freedom that is offered when I start believing I don't have to guess how to get a girl to like me, do everything perfectly so she doesn't stop liking me, etc. I can just be myself... Strange. So cliché, but so necessary and for me, hard to do.

Eat My Flesh, Drink My Blood

2009-09-02T12:16:00.004-04:00

I read something in "Battling Unbelief" by John Piper the other night and it really got me thinking. He was talking about how believing, if we view that as agreeing with certain facts, does not equal the same thing as... finding satisfaction in something. In the Bible, Jesus talks about being the Bread of Life and about being Living Water. He said crazy things like, "Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you". What does that mean? He didn't say, unless you believe that I am the Bread of Life. He said, "Consume me! Let Me satisfy your hunger and thirst." There's something about consuming, enjoying, experiencing, partaking in, being satisfied by God that goes way above and beyond just agreeing with facts.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I know it helps put words to the typical discontented feeling I have towards Christianity in general when it is reduced to believing certain statements and doing certain behaviors. There doesn't seem to be anything life-giving in that. But, in those times when I question where the substance of those things lies, I remember the stories of Jesus talking with the lady from Samaria, and Him telling her, "but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again." There's something satisfying and filling that we should experience with God that goes so much deeper than thinking that something is true. I believe we landed on the moon (mostly) and the Bible says that demons believe in God and tremble at Him... so there has to be more to Christianity than assenting to a set of ideas.

I Met Bill and Pondered My Life's Purpose

2009-08-11T00:16:00.003-04:00

I just finished watching the movie, "Meet Bill". I can't whole-heartedly recommend it, as there's some unnecessary stuff and many could easily be offended by it. But the major premise with the movie seemed to be about the main character, Bill, and his coming to terms with how badly his life sucked and how he wasn't living his life for himself. He was completely passive and living out of duty and obligation, simply catering to whatever people expected of him. The movie is sort of his awakening and journey towards breaking free from that.

And it makes me wonder... am I happy with the life I am living? Am I proud of it? Am I pursuing something that is fulfilling, satisfying or purposeful? Am I just doing things because they are expected of me?

It seems like life just keeps rolling past, and if we aren't careful, we will miss the moments, the opportunities to grab it by the reigns and make something meaningful out of it. I imagine it will take some blood, sweat and tears, but it will be worth it in the end.

Who are you? Who am I? What do we want to be known as? What kind of person do we want to be remembered as?

Do we have the luxury of asking these questions? Is it too youthfully naive? Too idealistic? Should I be more practical and prudent? Should be more grateful and content with where I am? Should I accept my lot in life and just be happy with where I am? ... Do other people ask these questions?

I'm not sure where these questions are going, but... I think it's crucial I ask them... Life is simply too short to just coast through it doing or being whatever is most convenient or expected or demanded of us. The path of least resistance just doesn't seem like it's the path worth taking.

The Passive Man and Fear

2009-08-07T17:05:00.004-04:00

I've been learning a lot lately about passivity. Hmm, let me rephrase that. I've been recognizing lately the unhealthy effects of being passive. (It's not like I've been studying to understand passivity better). And more specifically, I'm realizing that being passive is antithetical to being a strong godly man.

Being passive is being fearful.

When I don't make a decision or let someone else's decision dictate what I do, I am revealing that I'm afraid of failing and afraid of succeeding. This might not be how other passive people operate, but for me, it's an indication of deep fear. For me, being passive is a cowardly way of avoiding responsibility. If I don't make the decision, I can't be held responsible. While that mindset points towards a cowardice in me, it also reveals a deep distrust in the heart of God towards me. It shows that I'm still operating out of a performance mentality. God must only be pleased with me because I'm doing things just right and if I choose wrong in this situation, I will be disconnected from Him with no clear way to fix it. I think that's what I must think in times of indecision. I fear that by choosing wrongly and "failing", that God will not stay with me or something. I'm learning that that's not true. God has promised explicitly through the words of Jesus that He will never leave me or forsake me. Even if I choose poorly, or stupidly. Even if I cause a shit-storm of pain and harmful consequences. He will still love me and He will still walk with me through the aftermath. And! What I'm also seeing is the pain and numbness that passivity causes in me. Something dies in us with inactivity. Someone once said to me, "God can't steer a ship that isn't moving." That sounds like it belongs on a church sign... but I can see some deep truth in that. Moving, acting, risking... all these things reveal a deep trust in God's abiding love for us. We aren't afraid to mess up. But if we cower back from decisions, because we're afraid to incur His wrath by choosing incorrectly, OR to mess our lives up and cause ourselves deep pain, we start "losing heart". Literally, our heart starts dying. I don't get why, but it does. Being passive and being passionate, while having similar letters, are almost mutually exclusive. Unless you're passionate about being passive... but then you aren't being passive about being passive... eh, I'm digressing. We have no passion in life if we are afraid to act, to choose. And I read this awhile ago, but it haunted me:

"But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death". Revelation 21:8

Now, I'm not good at talking about the wrath of God and I disbelieve strongly in motivating people through fear, but this jumped out at me. Cowardice is in the same list as sexual immorality and murder. (Obviously, there is forgiveness and new life in Jesus Christ, so this isn't intended to cause alarm as to one's salvation or anything). I just never thought of cowardice as something that God didn't like, nor did I consider bravery something to admire or extol. And it's easy to leave the bravery to soldiers and firefighters and leave the cowardice to the Judas's and the Ceasar in Gladiator who stabbed Maximus with the knife before fighting him... But what about our lives? What about the cowardice that keeps a guy doesn't ask a girl out? What about the bravery involved in telling a friend a hard truth of something unhealthy they are doing and sticking around for the backlash and restoration? We don't typically think of our lives that way—at least I don't. What if God is frustrated, no—angry—when we shrink back? Like a father who would be disappointed and hurt if his child didn't do something because of their fear of failing and that it would somehow make their father love them less? What if God would rather have us DO something even if it meant it wasn't best, rather than not making a decision because we couldn't see a safe and comfortable outcome? What if our decision making brings the heart of God deep joy because it belies our unwavering trust that even if this situation doesn't go well, God will walk with us through it? I don't want to live with these kinds of fears anymore...

So this is what I'm learning. Also, in relation to the fear of success which I mentioned earlier, I am not sure why, but something about succeeding, about winning is awkward. I'm not sure if it is a fear that pride will creep in or a fear that succeeding will raise the bar of performance too high for me to continually reach? I haven't figured that part out yet.

I do know this: when we don't grasp how deeply that God loves us, that He has adopted us into His family in the best sense of the word, that He delights in us and nothing we do can separate us from Him, we will always be afraid to succeed or fail. I know I have been. But if I will rest and abide in His loving presence, then I can fail without losing heart and I can succeed without having to find some false humility or bashfully accept compliments. I can accel and falter along the journey, with a freedom and a peace that I am deeply loved regardless. And I think if I lived this way, and if you lived this way, the people around us would see that, the freedom in that, and would want the same thing.

Hearing God

2009-07-21T13:18:00.003-04:00

I started reading Dallas Willard's Hearing God, and only on the first page, it was piercing through me, directly to the pains and confusions that have surrounded this idea in my life for years. Here's part of the first page of the preface:

Among our loneliest moments, no doubt, is the time of decision. There the weight of our future life clamps down upon our hearts. Whatever comes from our choice will be our responsibility, our fault. Good things we have set our hearts on become real only as we choose them. But those things, or those as yet undreamed of, may also be irretrievably lost if our choices are misguided. We may find ourselves stuck with failures and dreadful consequences that must be endured for a lifetime.

Then quickly there follows the time of second thoughts—and third, and fourth: Did I do the good and wise thing? Is it what God wanted? Is it even what I wanted? Can I live with the consequences? Will others think I am a fool? Is God still with me? Will he be with me even if it becomes clear that I made the wrong choice?

As soon as I read that part, I admit, I had tears running down my face. Those questions are the exact ones that plague me constantly. I'm not sure how I got to this spot, so haunted by what-ifs, so fearful of an unknown future resting on my ignorant decisions. But I'm really looking forward to reading this book. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Desire

2009-07-13T09:31:00.004-04:00

"Most of you will by this time have lost a parent, a spouse, even a child. Your hopes for your career have not panned out. Your health has given way. Relationships have turned sour. We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don’t know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. After we’ve taken a few Arrows, dare we even desire? Something in me knows that to kill desire is to kill my heart altogether."

I read this in an email this morning. It speaks so clearly to where my heart is lately. Wrestling with God over my heart and the fear of relationships. I feel like I've been throwing a spiritual temper tantrum, because I can't control things. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt another girl. But I know we can't love without the reality of getting hurt. Love is vulnerable.

Trusting God is a weird thing. In my own life, God's reality has been slowly but surely becoming more personal and real to me. I'm understanding Him more as a person and less of a concept. With that, assenting to facts about Him is shifting to trusting His character and goodness. Relationships are the deepest area of pain in my life, which I'm sure is true for a lot of people. It is really easy to compartmentalize my life and keep the relationship aspect separate from God. It hurts to desire and have that constantly disappointed. And after years of "failed" relationships (several people have pointed out that ALL relationships prior to the person you marry have failed... so they aren't really failing), I start to doubt God's goodness in this area. Or, honestly, my biggest struggle is a lack of something concrete to hope in. It isn't that I don't think God is good, but somehow that His goodness doesn't apply to me in this area. It seems a stretch to me, to trust that God will help me work through these relationship fears and ultimately find love and get married. He never promised that in scripture. So what does it look like to be vulnerable before God, to bring Him my desire and trust that He is good, regardless of if this desire is ever filled? Will He still be good if I stay single for the remainder of my life, never losing the desire to be married? I think so. But that will take a massive shift in perspective... and a lot of grace and strength from God to withstand the on-going disappointment from unmet desire... "Hope deferred makes the heart sick."

But I know that checking out and killing the desire in me is a sure path to despair. Our desires come from God, I think. So it feels like it's a weird waiting, trusting game with Him. But maybe it isn't a game. Maybe He is very intentional and precise and tender with the process. Maybe the timing is crucial to developing us into the people He wants us to be? I'm not sure...

Self-Worth

2009-07-08T12:03:00.004-04:00

I'm stealing this topic from a conversation with a friend recently. Several friends, actually, in various forms, have been discussing this.

How do we maintain a healthy view of our self-worth?

I think it is safe to say, first, that we all, as humans, have intrinsic worth because we were created in the image of God. We wear the stamp of divinity. More than anything else in creation, we resemble God.

Further than that, God likes us. He has a unique love for each of us and He finds joy in all the various idiosyncrasies and mannerisms that we find awkward or alienating. We matter to Him and He delights in who we are. We are all uniquely special to Him, not just as a collective humanity. He chooses us, because He wants us, not because He is obligated to love us even though we might feel unlikable. I think that our over-use of "For God so loved the world" has cheapened the depth and reality of God's love for us. I know for me, it has been a slow process that is still on-going, to believe that God's love is real and personal, not just something He has to do because "God is love". When I really focus on the attention that the God of the universe places on me... I am deeply humbled, comforted and grateful. What is man, that He should notice us? But He does... and His first thought and feeling towards us is infinite tenderness...

Unfortunately, most of us can't hang on to those thoughts consistently. I know I don't. Instead, I am prone to wander, letting my gaze shift to seeking validation from my peers and relationships. And when I do that, I become a taker, not a giver. That's what I'm wrestling with right now. How do I find my self-worth and identity in God? Because when I don't, I start to become insecure, wrestling deeply with whether or not I have anything worth giving to people. I become a slave to being liked. And all my energy goes into performing, jumping through hoops to stay on everyone's good side. That's exhausting.

The more dangerous part, it seems, is to approach dating relationships with this kinda of gaping hole in my self-image. I haven't figured that out yet, so it makes me very, very cautious and hesitant to even consider "getting back on the horse". I have hurt so many girls, because I have blindly stepped into relationships without a firm sense of who I am. I've let their interest in me or affirmation of me soothe my insecurities and validate me, only to find that's a bottomless pit. Oh, to know then what I know now. How many hearts would not be broken? I can say this with confidence: If we try to feel okay about ourselves by being in a relationship, we're setting ourselves up for deep pain. And further than the personal pain we will cause ourselves and that special someone, we are setting that relationship up to be completely narcissistic and impotent for furthering the kingdom of God... It seems so easy to say, but how difficult to live out! Everything about our culture, even within the Church, places so much emphasis on finding a spouse. And it's complicated further because it is a God-given desire for most of us!

I'm pretty sure I will one day be a better husband and father if I learn to daily rest in who I am to God and find my identity in Jesus Christ. Then, from within that deep love and affirmation from the God will never leave me or forsake me, I'll be safe and free to spend my life being vulnerable and trusting and sacrificing, not needing so desperately for people to make me feel liked...

I am treasured by God. So are you. Maybe we need to tell each other this more often, for the times we forget...

A Hundred Dollars!

2009-07-02T15:16:00.001-04:00

Troy and Erin bet me $100 that I wouldn't play Britney Spears' 'Baby One More Time' on Saturday. I did. They paid up...

Vacation

2009-06-30T16:41:00.003-04:00

This only relates to over-thinking in how it will hopefully give me some much needed rest mentally.

I'm going to go on a vacation. By myself.

Not sure where yet. I am single and it is difficult to coordinate work schedules with friends and all that. I'm starting to think that it would do me some good to get away by myself, with some books and my journals and some beautiful scenery, perhaps a vacant beach or log cabin, and do some soul-searching.

Any suggestions of places that I could go? Preferably somewhere I could get to within an 8-hour drive or so from Maryland?

Beautiful Skies

2009-06-28T17:33:00.001-04:00

Another sky picture from my phone... Should I not post these?

Why John Piper Doesn't Watch TV and Rarely Goes to Movies

2009-06-26T10:46:00.004-04:00

"I have a high tolerance for violence, high tolerance for bad language, and zero tolerance for nudity. There is a reason for these differences. The violence is make-believe. They don’t really mean those bad words. But that lady is really naked, and I am really watching. And somewhere she has a brokenhearted father."

This quote is from the most recent email mailing from Desiring God, in which John Piper responded to a question of why he doesn't watch t.v. and rarely watches movies. His answer was much longer, and included other reasons. But this quote leapt off the page at me. It is the direction my heart has been going lately. I am finding more and more aversion to watching any nudity or sexual content in movies. (I don't watch TV on a regular basis, except for The Office or on DVD, like Arrested Development, LOST or Heroes). Violence doesn't bother me, because like Piper said, it isn't real and it doesn't make me want to go crash a car into a helicopter or stab someone with a katana. "Language" doesn't bother me either, because it's all around us. It is just words. Someone can say the "f-word" as an adjective about how unbelievably cool something is (or they could have just said how unbelievably cool it was...) and it doesn't bother me, but if someone calls someone else fat or ugly... THAT bothers me. It is all about the intention behind what is spoken. The word might hold vulgar connotations, and I can understand that, but on the whole, language is just words, and I'm not tempted to say something derogatory about someone else when I hear bad language.

But Piper's quote is money. Nudity and sex affect men in ways that those other things don't. I like how straight-forward Piper is about it: "But that lady is really naked, and I am really watching." It is sad that our culture is so blinded to the power of sex and the beauty of women. I think it is good for us, as Christians, to really consider what we watch and evaluate its benefit to us spiritually. I have found over the course of the past couple of years especially, that it is easier to walk with a clear conscience if I avoid putting that kind of stuff in front of my eyes.

Blue Skies

2009-06-25T08:55:00.003-04:00

Another sky photo from yesterday's commute.

Sunsets On Commutes

2009-06-24T18:51:00.003-04:00

I like to take pictures of the sky on my commute home from work. something about the sky makes me feel small, but loved by God.

Two Roads Diverged...

2009-06-23T20:49:00.004-04:00

I question whether I should post when I am discouraged by my over-thinking. It is a particular weakness of mine, to let my thoughts spiral downward when I can't seem to come to a conclusion or decision. I am not prone to spontaneity, I confess. I tend to think a decision to death. I think this is partly due to an underlying hope (read: delusion) that if I wait long enough, the decision will make itself. It does. And the decision is usually extremely painful and I gain nothing from it because I neglected to make a decision.

I've learned this lesson the hard way.

I'm facing some decisions in my life right now that are difficult. They pertain to two areas of my life, in the words of Dashboard Confessional, the places I have come to fear the most.

Conflict and dating.

I am afraid of conflict, because... well, for a lot of reasons. The most spiritual answer, which inevitably remains most true, is that I am more concerned with what other people think of me than of what God thinks. I'm not being too hard on myself when I say this. I am just being practical. The friendships I have and the illusion that everyone likes me tend to guide my decisions more than a deep sense of God's presence in my life and having the integrity to be myself, regardless of the consequences. "Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it" has become a paraphrased quote-turned-mantra that I wish I lived out more consistently. Too often I water myself down, to avoid an argument or misunderstanding. I need to stop this. I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but I can see its devastating effects in my past very clearly. There are other reasons that I'm afraid of conflict, such as it makes me react to emotions rather than ideas, and that's not something I'm good at. I'm sure there are more beyond that, but I can tell the deepest reason is people are much more real to me than God is at times. I suppose that's probably normal.

And I am afraid of dating, because my experiences with dating have left me utterly confused about... just about everything relating to dating. My over-thinking leads me to doubt things and sometimes I can't really tell if I like a girl. That causes a lot of guilt and shame, and then consequently, tends to break girls' hearts when that honesty finally comes out. I am afraid of rejection, but who isn't? I realize that for a long time, I have gravitated towards girls that have shown some interest in me, because the fear of rejection was less of a threat. Instead of initiating relationships, I have responded to them, setting the stage for a losing game of emotional catch-up. I'm glad I can see that now, though it is not without deep regret for the pain I've caused. For me to like a girl, without regard or knowledge of her feelings towards me, and to initiate and pursue her, to put myself out there and express my interest... That is what needs to happen and hasn't happened for a long, long time.* I think that, unless I step up and initiate, I will always fight against the question in my head, "Is this what I really wanted?" I won't go down that path again. So, having repented of that mindset, I have to take the other fork in the proverbial road and consider initiating a relationship. Asking a girl out. And that is beset with all sorts of questions, because it's been so long since I've actually done that. It sounds so embarrassing to confess. And I can tell, it's just one of those things that you have to (excuse me, ladies) grow a pair and ask her out. There's no short-cut to building confidence in this area. There just isn't.

The lyrics to one of the most recent songs I've written are really challenging me lately:

"If you take to flight, there's nowhere you can hide. If you wait to fight, you had your chance. You will not last the night."

I've tried running from conflict, and running from my heart when it gets excited and interested in a girl. I've tried putting off conflict or putting off taking a step in terms of asking a girl out. Neither path has worked so far in my life.

So, I am at another fork in the road. Ol' Robert Frost really captured life well in that poem of his. If I cave in and refuse to face challenges, speak truth, knowingly enter necessary conflict, or express interest in a girl, I will potentially shut down something good in me for an indeterminate amount of time. Or, I can stop putting off change, embrace the awkward, risky stretching process and take the reigns of my life back and head towards love and freedom.

When I put it that way, it sounds really idiotic of me to do anything other than the second option.

Love Hopes All Things

2009-06-19T11:30:00.004-04:00

What does it mean to love someone?

I'm talking about what Jesus meant by, "They will know you are My disciples, by the way you love each other." Is it simply being nice to each other? I know it's more than that. Everyone, regardless of their faith background, cares about those who are nice to them. Is love forgiving the inevitable offenses and pain people will cause us? I think that's part of it.

I think a part of it that I haven't been as aware of is that of hope. If I love someone, I give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope for their best. I have hope that they can and will become better than they currently are. I don't write them off. I don't check out of their lives and let someone else deal with it. Love stays. Love risks getting hurt. Love engages. Love gets messy and won't quit, because it sees beyond the circumstances. It sees hope. "Love hopes all things." I think I am learning that lately. That line from 1 Corinthians 13 stands out in a new way to me.

It is easier to disengage from people when they hurt us. We can say we forgive them, but we take back any piece of ourselves that could get hurt again. I guess I'm starting to question the value of that. I want to be marked by intentional, sacrificial love... And that means seeing the hope in the people around me, that God is working in all of our lives and bringing us closer to Him. He is pruning us, whittling away the dark pieces. And if I can see that hope, then I can stay involved in the people in my life, even if it gets a little rocky at times. And that presence, choosing to stay, when everyone else in that person's life may be checking out, is showing them how God stays with us, when everyone else abandons us. I want people to know the love of God like I have been experiencing more lately... and I think that requires me to live the way Jesus did. Jesus promised that He would never leave or forsake us. He said He won't abandon us. So I think that's an important part of what it means to love each other and show that we are His disciples. As Christians, we are imitators and mimickers of Jesus.

Love sees the hope of a bright future and sticks around, through the hard times, to see it come to pass.

Advice for the Relationship-Challenged

2009-06-17T14:19:00.005-04:00

Anyone have any?

You thought you were going to read some pithy insight into the ins and outs of the wild world of dating. Unfortunately, not today, my friend. Unless you go to another blog after this and read something there... And if you do, please come back and post that link in a comment here... Thank you.

On the eve of turning 30 this year, I constantly find myself wrestling with my singleness. Currently, it is self-induced, since I broke up with my last girlfriend and seemingly broke her heart. Especially near the end, I was horrible at communicating the doubts I wrestled with that I didn't even realize were doubts. I just kept trying to "work at it" and assumed my doubts were failings in me that I needed to overcome. Nevertheless, I am single as I approach 30.

That's not a bad thing. I know many people have probably gotten married much later than thirty. I'm pretty sure, statistically, the average age that people get married nowadays is much closer to thirty than I realize. Knowing those things doesn't assuage the subtle fears and anxieties associated with being single at a fairly decent-sized milestone in life. And my problem is less about the specifics of being married by the time I'm 30 or anything like that. It is that, as I approach this milestone, which for so many seems a point of stability, maturity and growth, I am faced with the glaring reality that I suck at dating. Many might encourage me to "get back up on the horse", etc. but that's my problem. After falling off so many horses, getting trampled on by so many horses and breaking so many horses' hearts, a deep fear of horses has crept in...

There's a lot of fear and hopelessness in my heart, I have to confess. It's not really rooted in an incorrect and destructive self-image, but in the absence of help. No one ever instructed, encouraged, walked with me through the process of dating, back when it is normal and okay for it to be awkward and clumsy. You're supposed to figure that stuff out in junior-high and high school, not at 30, you know? And now, how do I figure that out? How do I avoid all the things that ran girls off, with words of, "You're a wonderful guy, but..."? How do I avoid all the heartache and heart-breaking? I know some people would say that's just part of the process of loving someone. I understand that, but unfortunately, when you keep trying something on your own and keep failing and being deeply hurt by it and hurting others, and there's no one to show you how to do it correctly, it's nearly impossible for that desire to stay alive. That risk seems natural and makes sense, rationally. But to ask your heart to keep risking, in the face of a long history of failed relationships and heartbreak?

I haven't gone over the edge of giving up yet. I'm just trying to be honest with myself about where my fears are coming from. I'm almost thirty and I'm afraid of dating, because it has never gone well so far. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I feel like, in the rest of my life, I am growing and learning and stepping into a life of victory, freedom and passion. It's exciting and encouraging to my spirit. And then there's this little corner called romantic relationships... the dark hole of my life.

So, how do I ... I don't even know what to ask when it comes to this. The Bible is silent on how to date. It's a cultural phenomenon that didn't exist back then. My parents did get me two books on relationships for Christmas this past year, after breaking up with my girlfriend... I think they are starting to worry! =) Most of the content in the books dealt with how to help a relationship grow and stay healthy. I seem to have issues beginning a relationship. And, thankfully, I have had a revelation of sorts, that I have consistently gotten into relationships where I sensed that there was already interest on the girls' part, so there was no threat of rejection. That was a light bulb going on, because I think that became the seed of doubt in my mind, "Is this what I really wanted?" That thought caused such guilt and confusion. But it was all rooted in being hurt and rejected so much when I was younger, that I stopped pursuing the girls I liked and just kinda waited and responded to girls that expressed interest in me... I hate to admit that, because it seems so cowardly and passive. But call it what it is. Thankfully, that's in the past and I can see that pattern in my life very clearly. God willing, I will have open eyes not to repeat those mistakes again...

So, to conclude this personal foray into my deep fears associated with dating, I will end with this. I do want to get married. I'm not totally freaked out that I'm turning 30 and still single. I am wrestling with how to overcome the deep fears and resignation. I could use some help, though I'm not sure where it will come from. It's humbling, very humbling, to admit I feel awkward, clumsy and ignorant about the basics of working up the courage to ask a girl out or what to talk about on those early dates when you're just getting to know each other. I just don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. And in the meantime, I'm going to keep pursuing a deeper experience/relationship with God and seek to keep growing as a person and becoming more like Jesus. And trust that God will help me work through all these dating fears soon... I mean, come on, I'm almost thirty, God! Times running out!

The Power of Words

2009-06-15T15:15:00.004-04:00

I think it's safe to say we all understand, through experience, the power words can have. If we are honest, though, we would all have to admit that we are more careless with our words than we realize. Most of us have experienced the devastating effect of words spoken without thought or with malicious intent. We bear the scars under the surface and can think back to something seemingly innocuous to an outsider, but carries deep pain for us. Careless or evil words can devastate with consequences that last years beyond their speaking.

The opposite, thankfully, is also true.

I've done some things in my life that I have deep regrets about. The way we treat people, the things we've done, the words we've said can heap such a burden of guilt and shame, chaining us to a view of ourselves that is powerful, hopeless and untrue. Even if we can mentally agree that those things might not be true, we can still feel the weight of them. And I don't think I'm alone in this. An awesome post I read recently gave a good example of how we label and categorize ourselves, often very unhealthily (is that a word?). I know for myself, I have identified myself by past mistakes and regrets, rather than by the person I am today. Who I am has been over-shadowed by things I've done. This creates such an insecurity and feeling of inadequacy that is damn near unshakable.

Enter the power of kind, honest words.

I had a conversation this weekend with a good friend I used to live with. He's an awesome dad of two really cool daughters. As we were talking about these things, he said something to the effect of:

"Michael, I'd rather have my girls marry a guy who has done the things you've done, and has the character and heart that you have, than have them marry a guy who hasn't done the things you've done, but lacks the character and heart that you have."

He is a close friend that I trust and respect, who is a little further along the journey than I am. He's a good example of a lot of things to me. And he was just being honest with me as we were discussing things. I don't think he had any idea the power of what he said and its ability to heal and transform. A man I trust and respect told me that I am a good man, and that despite some of the mistakes I've made, he would hope for his daughters to marry someone like me.

I felt the chains falling off as we kept talking and driving home.

Choose your words wisely. And look for opportunities to speak true, good things to the people around you. Affirm who they are. Tell them about the good things that you see in them. We all make mistakes and fail and mess up—we don't need people around us to heap more shame on us for what we already know didn't measure up. You, whoever you are, have a great influence on the people around you, whether you realize it or not. You don't know how much someone might respect you, or for how long they have lived their lives without an honest, kind word spoken about them. Be on the lookout. We need each other. I am starting to believe more and more that there really is a devil, an evil being that is intent on stealing our joy, destroying our families and friendships and marriages, killing our desires. I know that's not a politically correct or intellectually applauded concept, but there is more evil in this world than what we fallen humans are committing... And, in some way, when we speak evil of each other, with impatience, frustration or apathy, we are giving the devil ammunition to use, to scar and imprison each other. Let's stop using our words so carelessly and start watching for ways to speak life and healing and confidence into each other's lives. I have deeply experienced the power and freedom that words said in love can bring. I'm floored by how one sentence can begin to undo and unravel years of self-contempt and resignation. And when we speak those truths to each other, we are speaking the words of Jesus to each other. We become the hands and feet and mouth of God to personally communicate to each other the things God sees in us.

I hope God communicates with you today of how special you are to Him. It might be in a conversation or in the words of a book or some other way. And as you feel and know God wants to rescue you and restore you, because of His great love for you and His desire for you to be all that you've been created to be, you seek to communicate to the people around you that they have that same worth and value.

Emotional Healing

2009-06-12T11:02:00.005-04:00

This article was really good.

It's got me asking some questions... How do we heal from the emotional wounds we've experienced over the course of our lives? Can we heal ourselves through self-help books and positive thinking or something? I tend to lean towards the fact we don't really have that ability, otherwise, I think there'd be a lot more whole, mended people walking around. I mostly see people limping along, doing their best to make it by. They've gotten good at keeping their pain in the dark corners and avoiding situations that might expose the scars and pain. I can see it others, because I know it in my own heart...

So how do we receive healing? It seems like healing is not something we do for ourselves, but something we receive from someone who has the ability to fix what's been broken, to find what's been lost. There are deep emotional scars that are still influencing the way I live on a daily basis. Whether it is avoiding conflict or insecurity over what I look like, I know that there is deep healing that needs to take place. And I also know that Jesus came for just that: to bind up the broken-hearted, to set the captives free, to seek and to save that which was lost.

Maybe healing starts with surrendering our pride and self-reliance, and being humble, bold and honest in our response to Jesus, who is asking us the same question He asked a blind man, in the book of Mark, chapter 10:

"What do you want me to do for you?"

Jesus, I want my heart to be fixed, healed, comforted, restored, strengthened...

When We Don't Feel Like Worshipping

2009-06-11T13:35:00.003-04:00

I just read this awesome post on the Circle of Hope's site. Check it out - very convicting.

As one of the "worship leaders" at Horizon Church, it's really easy to spend so much energy on getting the music down, since I don't consider myself an extremely talented musician. I don't want my weaknesses to cause any distraction from what worship is supposed to be about... but if I am focused on that—I'm already forgetting what worship is about!

Worship is acknowledging the greatness of who God is and adoring Him for it.

Anyway, it was a great post—it's worth your time.

God Delights In You

2009-06-10T14:18:00.006-04:00

"...the utter delight of a loving God who is deeply touched that, in the brouhaha of your busy life, you would devote even five minutes to spiritual reading."
- Brennan Manning, the furious longing of God

What is your reaction to this statement?

I'll be honest, my first reaction was disbelief and a little shock. That seems arrogant on our part. Our 'busy life'? That makes God seem needy, as if we are doing Him a favor by spending time with Him.

I mean, He's the God of the universe, isn't He? He deserves my every second, every moment, every emotion, every energy. He deserves my entire being, right? So anything less is sinful and pale, compared to how completely He is worthy of everything I have and am. Right? God expects 100%, doesn't He? And if He does, how could I even suggest that God is somehow happy with the crumbs I throw Him?

What if that is partially true, but that God wants us to love Him? What if, God has humbled Himself and doesn't force Himself on us at all. What if He has made Himself very vulnerable? What if He waits, patiently, expectantly, longing for time with us, like a love-sick companion, glued to the phone, waiting to hear from us? To communicate with us? To hear how we are doing? To share secrets and lean on Him? Not that He needs us, or is incomplete without us, but that He knows us and genuinely enjoys the person we are? What if He likes us?

Sometimes I think we've sterilized the world "love" in our version of Christianity. Most people, I imagine, when they hear that God loves them, aren't really affected much. "God is Love." That's what God's supposed to do. He loves us and so He sent His son to die for our sins. While that is critically true, I do think it is hard to relate to. Not many of us have had someone die in our place, nor have we laid down our physical life for someone else (if you did, you aren't ready this blog anymore...). Does that make sense? We understand the depth of that kind of sacrifice of love, but we don't associate with that or experience that on a daily basis. We are more familiar with the "honest, well-timed smile from a friend" or a long embrace. We feel loved with a touch here, or a conversation there. A gift, or an act of service done for us. And I think we need to be reminded that it is God who designed us to experience love in these ways and that He desires to show us love in the same way. I understand it will be different, because God is spirit... But how creative He is! If only we would believe that is His intention for us, we would have open eyes, like excited children, watching the world around us for His words to us, His favor and delight in us. Of course, Christ's death on the cross for us is the foundation, culmination and ultimate demostration of God's settled love for us. That creates the bedrock upon which our faith can rest, when our emotions are all over the place, life gets cloudy and painful and we don't feel loved. Knowing that, how much more does God desire to express love to us in personal, intimate ways, because we are uniquely special to Him? If God did not spare His Son, how much more will He give those good gifts of personal care and attention and love to us in our daily lives, if we would just have open eyes/hearts to it?

I have only read a small portion of this book so far, but I'm really enjoying it so far...

What Does the World Need?

2009-06-10T10:59:00.004-04:00

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
- Howard Thurman

This is such a great quote. I wonder what it would look like if we felt that freedom. Too often we operate out of the ought to rather than the want to. Sadly, this translates over into Christianity, too, only with a deceptively misleading motivation of "surrender" and "denying ourselves". Let me explain what I mean. I know Jesus did say, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." I think we need to look into that more, because a mere surface-level evaluation of that does not do it justice and is slightly illogical. We simply can't "deny" ourselves the basically necessities of life. If we deny ourselves food and water, we will die. And if we're dead, we can't take up our cross and follow Jesus. So to be wise, faithful students of God's word, we have dig deeper and ask what that phrase really means and/or how to live it. I don't know Greek or anything like that, so I can only make observations. I don't think it means that what we want is bad and evil and needs to be denied. It may seem trivial, but I think it is very important to note that distinction. Otherwise, as Christians, we can read Thurman's quote and dismiss it as a neat pearl of worldly wisdom or an unreasonable ideal. And we do that, we imprison ourselves in a castle of duty and obligation, sucking the life out of the gospel and making our testimony impotent. There is no life or joy or hope in that place. So we need to find the balance of willing surrender—acknowledging our limitations and operating out of trust in our King—and stepping into the fullness of the person God has created us to be.

He delights in us and He created us uniquely for His purposes, to be productive and creative and loving. We are quirky and awkward and beautiful and we make the heart of God smile. That is good news to a culture so bent on false identities, insecurity, posturing and peer validation. God loves and accepts and likes us as we are. So as we let that reality sink in, and receive that attentive, life-giving love from God, our light will shine and the people around us will see a freedom that is foreign to them.

So what makes you come alive? The desires you have were given by God. You and I have the potential to contribute to this world and His kingdom in a unique way. We have a role in this Story that no one else can fill. I don't know all the people you know, so I'll never be able to affect them the way you can. And with God's Spirit making His home in our hearts, with Christ living His life in us, we can walk with Him in freedom and and our lives will be full of true life, not duty or obligation.

What makes you come alive?

Perseverance and Salvation

2009-06-10T00:26:00.004-04:00

Hebrews 3:12-14 has got me thinking. I don't understand this section of scripture...

While I was at Cedarville, I studied the whole concept of "eternal security" in depth with a friend. The idea of "once saved, always saved" was taught to me in the Baptist church, while my friend was taught the opposite in her Nazarene church. So, after a couple of months of really digging through the Bible, checking with commentaries, comparing verses and trying to get a holistic picture of salvation, we realized it was an enormous under-taking! Salvation as described in the Bible is not a black-and-white, simple concept... As we studied it, it became apparent that so many aspects of salvation that we were considering deserved studies of their own... But I digress. Despite uncovering the need for way more searching into various words and concepts that pertain to salvation (sin, grace, faith, righteousness, justification, sanctification, calling, election, etc.), I really came to a solid conclusion, on my own, that our salvation IS eternally secure. What I mean by that is that God is the author of our salvation and that it is a gift of grace from Him. He saves us. He gives that to us. Once we receive it, which takes God-given faith, we can't lose it through anything we do, since it wasn't earned based on anything we've done in the first place. There's way more to it than that, of course, and I don't know where those notes are! There were some tricky passages though, and most of them were found in Hebrews. Specifically, chapters 3 and 6.

So, we've started studying the book of Hebrews in our small group at church. Not an easy under-taking! We read chapter 3 this week and it churned up all these thoughts...

I do believe that our salvation is eternally secure, in that, it is solely rooted in God's grace and kindness and mercy towards us—we simply are receiving it. That makes sense in my mind and I don't have a lot of fuzziness there. However, it begs the question of what to do with these passages and verses, such as "For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end." IF? So we lose our share in Christ if we lose our confidence in this faith? I don't understand this...

The best I can guess is that our salvation is a present tense thing. What I mean by that is... God is a God of the present (as He references Himself in the Old Testament to Moses as "I am that I am"). And this makes me think of salvation in the present. I don't know if this is making sense, but I'm trying to remain coherent. This is how I'm thinking about salvation these days—less about what theological facts we believe, and more about what we know of God. And I mean really know about God. Jesus said, "This is eternal life: that you know Me." Not just knowing about God, but knowing Him and being affected by Him. I'm convinced, due to life experience and an amazing Intro to Philosophy class at Cedarville University I took awhile back, that what we do in our lives is a direct result of what we truly believe. Stick with me. I can say God is the most important Person in my life and I live for Him alone, but if I am kinda hesitant to say I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, because it might make a situation awkward, then more true than my belief in God is my belief that validation from my peers is paramount. Nothing I say I believe can outweigh my actions. I believe this is what James is referring to when he said faith without works is dead. It's illogical and irrational. If I trust someone, I confide in them and make myself vulnerable to them. If I don't trust them, no matter what I say or how friendly I may treat them, I am not going to be vulnerable. (So, right now, you might be wondering... how does this relate to salvation being a "present-tense" thing? I'm trying to make that segway... This brain of mine, sometimes I don't know...)

Salvation is not about saying a prayer. That is one of the gravest failings of the modern evangelical world that I see. We've created this environment where someone can feel guilty or afraid of hell or whatever and they say a prayer and think they have fire-insurance. We, as a stereotype, have fallen victim to seeking converts, rather than making disciples. And unfortunately, this has really given the "eternal security" issue way more controversy than it should really warrant. Faith, as God describes it, will produce fruit and works. And that's where it ties back in to what I was typing earlier, about our truest beliefs. If we truly believe in the amazing mercy that God has shown us, and His Spirit has made us alive and new on the inside, the depth of gratitude and surrender will transform us and begin in us something lasting. And we will begin the lifelong journey of being God's children—followers, students, disciples of Jesus Christ. God will be our love and we will want to be close to Him and be with Him for eternity and shun anything and everything that might threaten to distract us from our intimacy with Him. That's where the idea of "once saved, always saved" starts to lose relevance. If you said a prayer when you were six, and now cannot say with integrity (based on how you are actually living) that you love God and are daily communing with Him and receiving His love and seeking to share that love with others, then maybe you weren't ever saved? Let me make this clear—I can't judge anyone's heart at all. That's crucial to me. I'm not saying if you "got saved" at a young age that it didn't count or that your salvation is based on a certain output of behaviors. It truly is a journey and there are seasons of darkness and wondering and doubts. But, for myself, I can't reconcile these thoughts... Going to heaven means being with the God who sacrificed His Son for me and anything beyond that is just a bonus. So, if, by the way I'm living, I don't actually want to be close to God, evidenced by avoiding sin and anything that would cause a rift in our friendship, how could I cling to some prayer that I said years ago simply to avoid hell...?

I don't know if that was coherent. I am learning that true faith produces fruit. But I'm also learning that life is rarely black and white and I'm also learning that God's wisdom is far superior to my finite mind and that His mercy is probably profoundly deeper than I can dare to imagine. So I won't speculate who is or who isn't going to end up in heaven. I won't pretend to understand these passages like Hebrews 3 and 6. But I will say with as much confidence and authority as I can, based on what I've learned so far, that salvation is God's grace upon us, and that if we truly grasp that, through the quickening of God's Spirit, our lives will bear fruit of that new life and intimacy with Jesus Christ.

This post feels like it is very scatter-brained. I apologize!

Three Decades (part 2)

2009-06-04T12:11:00.004-04:00

This post is probably going to be fairly personal. Just warning you!

Part of the heightened emotions surrounding the end of my twenties comes due to being single. I'll just be honest about that. But before you simply check out or stop reading, let me qualify where those thoughts are coming from. To my chagrin, I've definitely allowed myself, in some measure, to define myself by my "singleness" and I realize that's not healthy. At all. Our culture has done a bang-up job of insinuating that a relationship will make us happy. And I'm sure it will! But the insidious part is that the converse (...inverse?) of that has also been whispered to our hearts, "Without a relationship, you'll never be truly happy." So we attempt to be composed and confident, while beneath the surface, we live with a haunting desperation of finding someone to make us happy. And so long as we allow that mentality to make its home in our hearts, I don't think we will ever be truly happy. I know I've believed and lived with this—not consciously, of course! I would never admit to agreeing with this mentality. But, actions speak louder than words and what we DO reflects what we actually BELIEVE.

And so I have to confess my idolatry. I've made an idol out of being married. God wants what's best for us... and that's Him. He knows I want to get married and enjoy all that comes with that, but if that is more important to me than being close to the heart of God, then something has begun a dangerous shift. No marriage is perfect and no human is strong enough or faithful enough to warrant the full weight of our hope. Only God can bear that. I feel like I'm just learning this, so I can't say I've arrived. But I'm seeing how quickly my emotions can get the best of me as I let a disappointment here or a lonely thought there begin to suggest that I need to do something about this singleness. Instead of enjoying the heart of God my Father, His love for me and this gift of life, I start clawing and scheming and fretting over whether I'll ever get married. And as soon as I take my eyes of Jesus in that sense, the subtle lies and accusations start streaming in. You'll never find someone. You're awkward and inadequate. Your heart will get broken, it's not worth it. It doesn't matter what you try, you'll screw it up. Look at all the hurt you've caused girls over the years. And like a forest fire unrestrained, those thoughts will get the better of me. All because I let my source of hope shift from a faithful, loving God to the potential circumstance of being married.

In the past few days, some cracks have formed and I let some of those lies start creeping in. Thankfully, through some blunt, but encouraging, conversation, I was yanked up to the surface with the reminder to find my hope in God. Is that just Christian mumbo-jumbo? I don't think so. I don't need to neglect my desires. God knows my heart. But He also knows that He can be faithful to me in a way that no human relationship will be able to. And that's why I was created for. So, single or not, I want to learn to find peace and joy and love in God and the person He's made me to be and the life He's given me to live. He knows my heart's desire to find and share the love between a husband and a wife. Part of this whole thing is to trust God's heart, as a good Father, and put my hope in Him, rather than in my attempts at controlling and striving to find a wife, etc. There's a whole slew of character traits and fears and wounds and insecurities that I know I still need to work through, so even though I'll be thirty soon, I am taking my hands off this. That's not neglecting or ignoring the desires. I'm just simply surrendering the angst and the desperation.

We only have the present. I don't want to miss out on the things going on around me because I'm pining away for something in an uncertain future. I don't know if it's a matter of "It'll come to you when you're ready" or "When you are content with being single, then God will bring her your way" or any of that cliché cow dung, but I know that God loves us and our greatest joy and deepest need is to find our satisfaction and joy in Him, and trust that He will give us the other good gifts when the time is best. I know marriage isn't easy. I'm sure it's that much harder if we come to it with our deepest hopes riding on the marriage to make us happy. If instead, we come to it with gratitude and humility, rather than entitlement and idolatry, we will be able to enjoy and serve and forgive our spouse with so much freedom and life, because our sense of identity and our happiness is not riding on how the other person makes us feel.

Who knows! I'm not married, so I can't speak with too much authority on this, but nevertheless, it is deeply restful to back off and re-center my thoughts. The reminder to put my hope in God, not marriage, was perfectly timed. Life has so much to offer and we all have so much to give. If we buy into our culture's lie that we are second-class people so long as we are single, we will miss out on so much. I'm not pretending marriage doesn't sound wonderful, with the companionship, intimacy, sex, friendship and all that, but I won't let that deceive me into thinking that without it, life can't be full. Jesus said He came to give us abundant life... and He didn't follow that up by announcing www.kingdommatchup.com or something. Full and satisfying life is found in Him. I'm gonna start there. If marriage is down the road, I think I'll be able to appreciate it much more if I'm already coming from a place of deep contentment and fulfillment. I'll be able to give from a deep well, rather than clinging and taking...

30, you don't scare me none.

Three Decades (part 1)

2009-06-01T12:49:00.005-04:00

I turn 30 this year. In 4 months and 3 days. That sounds weird to say it like that, as if I've been keeping a countdown. I haven't, I swear! I only listed that down to the day, because today is June 1st and my birthday is October 4th. After counting off July, August, September and October on my fingers, it was pretty easy to just add the "3 days" to the end of that. I digress...

30 is one of those big milestone years. I won't be a 20-something anymore. It was weird to progress up through the twenties. Hitting 24 and feeling the weight of entering the post-college "mid-twenties", hitting the "late-twenties" at 27 and seeing 30 crest the horizon, thinking to myself, "Where the hell did you come from?!" And now, I've got four months and three days before my twenties become a piece of nostalgia.

How do people navigate these decade markers? I wouldn't say I'm scared to turn thirty. Honestly, on the inside, I don't feel much different than when I was 20. I'm still figuring out who I am. I'm still asking a lot of the same questions, though lately they are more refined and specific... and pressing. There's an urgency to the thoughts and questions, spurred on by a deep desire not to waste this life. But aside from the intensified questions, I am surprised by how little feels different. I know our character grows and deepens, and that is often hard for us to detect those subtle changes. I know they are there. The experiences we go through are constantly shaping us, and I believe God is constantly whittling away at our false identities and walls and charades to get to our hearts and make us look like Jesus. He's promised that He won't quit on us. He won't back out when it is difficult and He won't leave us on our own to figure it out. I'm thankful for that, and I'm deeply grateful that I can see that now, on the brink of 30. I have a feeling that I will need to remember that promise when life starts to get really difficult and painful, which it inevitably will.

So, though I'm not kirking out about turning 30, those deeper questions remain and there's a cautious, budding sense of hope at this next season of life. What will my 30's bring? A sense of purpose and direction? A vision for what I want my life to look like? Marriage? Death of loved ones? A big geographical move? Getting out of debt? Beyond those specifics, though, what will make my 30's a success?...

One of the things I have learned in the latter months of my second decade and continue to be reminded of daily, is that it is truly one step at a time. It isn't bad to think, plan and dream about what the future may bring, but I am not promised that I will ever see my 30th birthday. I can borrow a lot of anxiety and fear and "what ifs" from tomorrow and tomorrow may not come. So I want to live well now. A good friend replied, in the face of questions about why Christianity seems so complex sometimes, "Love the face in front of you." So simple, yet so difficult. But so true. Love the face in front of you. Jesus said in Matthew 25, "You were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things." I'm learning to start small. I think Mother Theresa said it, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So if I am given another 4 months and 3 days, I really want love to be the defining characteristic of my life. I have a lot to learn.

But thankfully, I am not alone in learning it. None of us are.

Affections Towards God

2009-05-28T14:12:00.006-04:00

"God is most glorified when he is affecting us and not just known by us."

I found the quote above from this post and it resonated with a lot of what I've been thinking and feeling lately.

How do you feel towards God? Not just what do you think, but what emotions arise in you when I mention the person of God? Is it fear or guilt? Is it hatred and resentment, from loss or suffering that a loving God should have averted? Is it warm and fuzzy feelings of love and contentment?

I know we should not base our decisions solely on emotions. Emotions are shaky ground for decision-making. However, I think we underestimate the importance and significance of our emotions and more specifically, how we feel towards God.

It isn't simply about having a warm, fuzzy feelings towards the idea of God, but actually having a relationship with God that includes our emotions, not simply our minds. I'm reminded of Jesus' response to one of the religious leaders of the time, and the question of which commandment is the greatest. Jesus said, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind". Love God. Not just obey God. Or fear God. Or trust God. Or worship God. Love God. In a human sense, we have a plethora of ideas, misconceptions and beliefs about what love is. Everything from romantic comedies to our affection for our pets, from our love/hate relationships with our siblings to the the old couple in the Notebook that made us cry, Love is hard to pin down in a word or a phrase. But, despite its ambiguity, we all know what love is and when it's missing. It touches something in us deeper than a mere feeling. It's something in our spirit/soul (the intangible part of us). And the most important thing for us as humans, in relation to God, from Jesus Himself, is to love Him. Obedience, fear, trust, worship, etc. all play an important part of that. But do we love God?

This past weekend, I visited a dear friend of mine in Florida. She's known me since my days at Cedarville University... and that's quickly becoming something of the long distant past! The weather was forecasting thunderstorms the entire weekend. My understanding of prayer in general still involves a lot of confusion and should warrant a post all its own, but it's suffice to say, I prayed that it wouldn't rain while I was down in Florida, just like Elijah prayed it wouldn't rain for 3 years. I was only asking for 4 days! I had an hour layover in Orlando, where I watched out the window as it rained cats and dogs and probably several other species of domestic animals. But I had prayed and wasn't going to lose hope yet. I got into Ft. Myers and the sun was out and it didn't rain the entire weekend but more than 10 minutes while we were driving! I flew out of Ft. Myers back to Orlando where my flight was delayed because of the torrential downpours and thunderstorms. The entire weekend and its blue skies and sun felt like God was saying "I love you, Michael" the entire time. I totally understand how faith and presuppositions could make one person say that it was just coincidence and another the hand of God. That whole argument aside, my heart felt a deep gratitude and joy towards God all weekend. It wasn't simply that God did what I wanted... It was more than that for me, though it's hard to express in words. I felt the attentive, kindness of God towards me and the things I'm learning about Him. It confirmed for me that God is a loving Father and cares about the things we care about. It's as if it's important to Him that we really know Him and how He feels about us. God didn't need to hold back the rain this weekend. And He would have been no less kind and good and loving. But in His unfathomable wisdom, He gave us sunshine in that corner of Florida for the whole weekend, parting the thunderstorms like a page out of the Exodus story. I am deeply humbled and thankful at such condescension from such a holy God towards His children...

That experience stirs me. It made God that much more personal. It seems like He's been doing that a lot more these days, as if He's trying to get through to me and draw me into something deeper than simply religion or rules. Do we love God? Can we see His hand in the things around us? Do we know His love for us deep in our spirit, more than simply believing the idea that God is loving? What emotions does God stir in us? David and the other writers of the Psalms spoke of a whole gamut of emotions, from ecstacy to despair. God ellicited a deep emotion within them, because He was real to them. I think the lack of genuine emotion in my life towards God thus far has simply been because I have grown up with the theory of God. "God so loved the world" was just a popular verse that you quoted when you were trying to get other people to believe what you believe. Lately though, I'm crashing into the reality that God personally loves us as individuals. He knows us deeply and likes who He made us to be. He sees potential in us and desperately wants for us to hold His hand and let Him refine us. His heart breaks for us when we don't understand the pain we're in and can barely get through the day. Like a loving Parent, He is guiding us, knowing just when to give and when to hold back, so that we can mature and learn to be strong and choose what is right and best and loving. And He is the most fiercely loyal Friend that we'll ever have. That kind of love brings tears to my eyes. That kind of a God affects me. And that kind of love makes me want give absolutely everything I am to Him, in trust and worship and adoration and service... and suffering if need be.

I think it's crucial that we know God, in all His holiness, grandeur, righteousness, beauty, justice, mercy and love, etc. but that knowledge needs a response. And the response He requires and desires from us?

To love Him back.

In light of who He is and all He's done, to love HIM.

A Daily Reading Excerpt

2009-05-19T09:51:00.004-04:00

We Really Are the Sons and Daughters of God
05/17/2009

Life on the road takes us into our heart, for only when we are present in the deep sentences can God speak to them. That’s why the Story is a journey; it has to be lived, it cannot simply be talked about. When we face trials, our most common reaction is to ask God, “Why won’t you relieve us?” And when he doesn’t, we resignedly ask, “What do you want me to do?” Now we have a new question: “Where is the Romance headed?”

There is another great “revealing” in our life on the road. We run our race, we travel our journey, in the words of Hebrews, before “a great cloud of witnesses” (12:1). When we face a decision to fall back or press on, the whole universe holds its breath— angels, demons, our friends and foes, and the Trinity itself— watching with bated breath to see what we will do. We are still in the drama of Act III and the heart of God is still on trial. The question that lingers from the fall of Satan and the fall of man remains: Will anyone trust the great heart of the Father, or will we shrink back in faithless fear?

As we grow into the love of God and the freedom of our own hearts, we grow in our ability to cast our vote on behalf of God. Our acts of love and sacrifice, the little decisions to leave our false loves behind, and the great struggles of our heart reveal to the world our true identity: We really are the sons and daughters of God.

(The Sacred Romance , 154–55)

I am encouraged and challenged at the thought, "When we face a decision to fall back or press on, the whole universe holds its breath— angels, demons, our friends and foes, and the Trinity itself— watching with bated breath to see what we will do." Really gives our lives some context, doesn't it? We aren't just stumbling through life, making meaningless choices and causing insignificant consequences. It feels that way most of the time, I'll admit. But that's only because I don't have the eyes to see what's really going on.

Let's live well today. The whole host of heaven is cheering us on and we really are the dearly loved children of God...

My Sheep Hear My Voice...

2009-05-17T21:43:00.005-04:00

In Walking With God, Eldridge cites several examples in the Bible where God speaks clearly to people. Then, he says,

"Now, if God doesn't also speak to us, why would he have given us all these stories of him speaking to others? 'Look—here are hundreds of inspiring and hopeful stories about how God spoke to his people in this and that situation. Isn't it amazing? But you can't have that. He doesn't speak like that anymore.' That makes no sense at all. Why would God give us a book of exceptions? This is how I used to relate to people, but I don't do that anymore. What good would a book of exceptions do you? That's like giving you the owner's manual for a Dodge even though you drive a Mitsubishi."

I have wrestled for a long time with the whole concept of how God communicates with humanity these days. I've had so much doubt, so many questions. I've heard so many people say things like, "God led us to..." or "God spoke to me this morning...". I couldn't figure out why God didn't speak to me that way. Did God not speak that way and people were really fooling themselves, or worse, being deceived by demons or something? Did God simply not speak to ME that way? Was it something I was doing wrong? Was I not worth speaking to? I think the church I grew up in helped perpetuate those ideas, even if it wasn't intentional. They didn't illustrate or explain how or if God speaks to us, except through the Bible. And if the Bible is the only source of communication from God, that leaves so much unsaid. What if, upon your birth, your parents wrote you a long, detailed letter about your family history and genealogy, explained what it meant to be part of a family, gave examples of the depth of their love for their children and closed the letter with the promise that you would meet them again? I have no doubt that as you grew and learned to read that you would treasure that letter. But how much more valuable would it be if they didn't leave you or forsake you? What if they stayed in your life and told you how much they loved YOU, not just their children in general? What if they expressed their joy in the unique man or woman you were becoming and walked with you through the ups and downs of life, giving you the personal attention that you desperately needed to navigate life and become all that you were meant to be? How can we have such a small view of God's personal love for us? Something in me cries desperately for that to be true. Having the Bible is great, but it feels so inadequate. It isn't personal. It is a book of stories and principles and promises. You can't have a relationship with a book. You can only have a relationship with a Person. And unless that person is unable to communicate for some reason, your relationship with that person will include two-way conversation.

So where does that leave us? Am I crazy if to believe God would speak to us if we actually believed He would? And am I willing to seem crazy to embrace that possibility and reality?

That passage I quoted above really hits me, because it just makes so much logical sense to me. It doesn't make sense to me that God would speak to people, even audibly, throughout the course of history and scripture, and then for that to stop for some unknown reason. So, I feel like I am beginning a season of new life, of new faith, that God does still speak. It probably isn't audibly, though it could be, but I believe it would be no less personal. As Christians, we believe that the Holy Spirit of God dwells in our hearts now. God has taken up residence in our hearts. Wouldn't it make sense for Him to speak to us there, deep in the center of our being? To say things that are deeply true and necessary for us to know, both about Him and about ourselves, things that are too personal and unique for the scope of scripture?

I feel like I need to break out of the framework that I've grown up with and all the preconceived ideas of how God works. Not at all that most of it is wrong or false, but I feel as though certain things have been taken for granted and I'm finding that they don't answer the deep questions of my heart. I've been taught that God is a certain way and that He does things a particular way. What if some of those things weren't quite right? What if God does speak to us? What if He is waiting to speak to us and is waiting for us to believe He can and will? What if my desire for deep personal communication with this God who loves me exists because it points to the truth of what we were created for?

I don't want to assume things that aren't true. At the same time, I don't want to simply settle for the way Christianity has been presented to me when the deep questions in my heart aren't being answered by the answers I've been given so far.

Honestly, I don't know what to expect. There have only been like 3 times in my life that I have experienced thoughts that I really think were God speaking to me... but I didn't have the clarity or confidence to distinguish if it was God or wishful thinking on my part. Something is stirring in my beliefs though, that God wants to speak to us personally. I think it is something that we have to learn to hear, because so much of our lives are so busy and distracted and noisy.

I'll keep you "posted" on what I hear! (pun intended...)

The Cross vs The Resurrection: Which is more important?!

2009-05-14T09:35:00.005-04:00

Ha!

It seems downright silly to even ask it like that, though, as I sort through my questions about the role of Jesus' resurrection in our lives, that's how the discussion feels.

As Easter approached, I was looking for songs to play in church on Easter Sunday morning and was surprised at the lack of songs pertaining to Jesus' Resurrection. There are tons about the Cross, but significantly less about the Resurrection. Why is that? Is this a recent development, a by-product of our western version of Christianity? Is that a healthy balance? Is there nothing for me to be concerned about, i.e. are this observation and subsequent questioning a waste of time?

I don't think so.

I guess what motivates this question for me is the curiosity about the role of the Resurrection in our lives, in terms of "victorious Christian living" as some might say. The way the church in general has portrayed the Cross for me can be summed up like this:

"You are a sinner with a deceitfully wicked heart, dead in your sin and an enemy of God. But! God loves you, so He sacrificed His Son Jesus on the Cross. By doing that, His wrath towards sin and His love for us meet in perfect union on this great symbol of the lengths that God will go to rescue us. Now, you are a sinner saved by grace."

And so we hang our head, feel bad for making Jesus have to die in our place and do our best to sin less (to feel less guilty and somehow to reciprocate back to God what He gave to us). And for almost all of my Christian life, the Resurrection has been an after-thought to the gospel. Like, "Oh, P.S. In addition to the gospel, Jesus DID come back to life, FYI. That sort of proves He is God or something... Not completely sure, but I figure it's important to throw that in there, too. But anyway, back to the Cross and how much Jesus suffered for you..."

I almost feel as though we have a slightly unhealthy focus on the Cross. I say, "we", but realistically, I can only honestly speak for myself—though I've noticed similar practice and belief among other Christians I've interacted with over the years. When I focus on the Cross, I see the suffering and sacrifice of Jesus. It makes me feel bad for my sin "that held Him there". Realistically, it creates some motivation out of guilt or shame, for causing that suffering. Not necessarily a bad reaction, though it is inadequate and misleading for finding and living the abundant life that Jesus offers us. It creates a mentality that my relationship with God is defined by His mercy and my sin. I am the sinner and He is the merciful King. And, on that statement alone, I can't disagree! But I think it is inadequate. And I think the inadequacy comes as a failure on our part, the Churches part and my part to understand the amazing role of the Resurrection of Jesus. Unfortunately, I am only beginning to scratch the surface in this area, so I won't be able to wax eloquent about the spiritual wonders that will emerge once we focus on the Resurrection. I do see, though, that there is LIFE in the Resurrection. The Cross brought the necessary death. And the Resurrection, then, brings the necessary life. And I think, from my own experience, the reason why most Christians aren't that joyful or hope-filled is because we have under-appreciated the Resurrection. I'm not talking about denying or diminishing the power of the blood and cross of Jesus Christ at all. It is completely necessary and volumes of spiritual literature have been written expounding all that God has done for us through the cross. But I've started reading through the book of Acts and I'm finding that the early church preached about the Resurrection! There was something life-giving about that reality. And so I want to take the time to give the Resurrection its proper place in my theology and life. I have the sneaking suspicion that Jesus has given us a lot of spiritual blessing and freedom and life and authority for living victoriously within the Resurrection.

Honestly, it feels weird to question this. Questioning the Cross in general makes it feel like I'm in danger of heresy or beginning a cult. So that's why I want to understand Scripture and the early church. Someone spoke awhile back and made the comment that the early church writings didn't even mention the cross at all for 400 years after Jesus' death. The cross was just a normal, commonplace death for criminals. I'm not sure of the source of this, so I can't hang my hat on it—though it does make me quite curious if it's true. Again, I have no desire to diminish the role of the Cross in the gospel message, but I wonder if the gospel would feel more like good news to people if the Resurrection actually is crucial to understanding the new life we have in Christ. So that's my current quest, I suppose.

Also, let me throw it out there that I am aware that my understanding of the Cross could also need to be challenged and expanded. I can't argue with that. But I've been in the "christian bubble" since I was 10 years old and I don't think there's a lot of new perspectives on the Cross that I'm missing. So, by God's Spirit at work in me, I hope to understand the Cross in a more true way, but I'm also going to intentionally pursue understanding the Resurrection, because, after almost 20 years in Christendom, I can't really tell you much about how it impacts our lives, except for being a proof that Jesus was God. There are some vague other thoughts, too, but nothing that I've really studied and meditated on enough to where it has become something I deeply believe.

I mean, Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life"... He never said, "I am the cross and the death"... you know? =)

Resurrection: 1
Cross: 0

I kid, I kid. Don't stone me!

Friendship and Betrayal

2009-05-11T08:45:00.004-04:00

"But there's a whole lot more to friendship than simply not committing a betrayal, wouldn't you say?" - John Eldridge, Walking With God

This hit me like a ton of bricks and in an instant, clarified and articulated what has been lacking in my Christianity for so long. Hang with me here, I know that seems like a weird jump.

I feel as though we as Christians have bought into such a narrow view of what it means to follow Jesus or to know God. We think Christianity is primarily about sinning less. We change our behaviors, attempt to break our addictions, maybe change the circles we run in. We've reduced our relationship with God to simply avoiding sin. Avoiding sin is a good thing, but it's only a start. It's only a small piece of the puzzle. And it is horribly inadequate. That's where Eldridge's quote leaps off the page for me. There is more to a friendship with God than simply not betraying Him. I don't mentally check out on my friends once I confirm they aren't stabbing me in the back... No, the fact they aren't stabbing me in the back means there is an open connection for life and conversation and laughter and comfort, etc. Those things are what make a friendship a friendship. Not simply the absence of betrayal...

So. We've gotten really good at managing our sin. We keep it under wrap most of the time, though sometimes those "besetting sins" keep getting the best of us. But, so what. Just avoiding sin is a terribly shallow spiritual experience. Call me naive, call me idealist. I want more. I want to have a friendship with God that transcends my behaviors. I want to know the close companionship of the Presence of Jesus in the day-to-day experiences of life. I want to have a relationship with God that is tangible and life-giving, and near impossible to explain to those who don't have it. Not so it seems I've "arrived spiritually" or anything, but simply so that it is so deeply real to me that it becomes hard to reduce it to words or principles or behaviors.

And the cool thing is, I think God wants this with us, too. I think that's what Jesus and others talk about in the Bible about knowing God and being one with Him. It isn't simply about not sinning, though that is necessary to keep the lines of communication open, in a sense. I believe God wants us to be close to Him and for us to walk through our day with His Presence continually in our hearts and minds.

Some Shifting

2009-05-07T11:44:00.004-04:00

This is hard to explain and I want to search it out more, but I feel as though something deep in my soul is shifting. I am moving away from mere propositional truths to spiritual intimacy. I'm NOT suggesting that experiential knowledge is somehow more valuable than objective reality, so let me explain what I'm trying to communicate... Most of my life has been a series of statements of belief that I have been encouraged to assent to. Concepts of God's holiness, Jesus' divinity, sin and salvation, etc. They have laid the foundation for what I am realizing is the true heart of Christianity—love. Being re-united to the God of the universe, through the person of Jesus Christ, and finding all of my longings met in Him. Everything I was created for is found in Him. He does not desire me to simply agree to some facts or theories or faith presuppositions or a biblical worldview. He wants me to know Him, intimately. He wants me to be one with Him, as He is one with the Father... So many places in scripture talk about knowing God...

Matthew 7:23... Jesus speaking, "Many will say to [Jesus] on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then [Jesus] will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'"

John 8:19... Jesus speaking again, "You do not know me or my Father," Jesus replied. "If you knew me, you would know my Father also."

Philippians 3:8... Paul said, "I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord"

John 17:3... "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."

Now, absolutely, there is more to Christianity than that phrase, "knowing God" or whatever. There is faith and obedience and worship and service and trust and love and adoration and sacrifice, etc. But I feel like I am understanding that, at the core of what Christianity—following Jesus Christ—is, the whole process of salvation and the whole theme of history and the whole work of God's redemptive plan in the world is to draw us back to Himself and restore our ability to find complete, full and utter satisfaction in the love and mercy and holiness and creativity and strength and wisdom of the God of the universe. He is a Person. He is longing for us to know Him, love Him, adore Him, trust Him and walk with Him. It isn't about rules or principles. He is not a math theory or a school principal or vending machine in the sky. God is the all-sufficient perfect sustaining Being that holds all of existence together and loves us deeply and yearns to be all that we need and want. The path to that spiritual intimacy with Him is only found through time with Him, meditating on His word, cultivating a grateful heart and eyes that see Him in the everyday details of life, in the eyes of the people around us, in the poor and lonely, in the creative and beautiful... I don't want to simply memorize rules to live by. I want to quiet myself down at the soul level and learn to experience the presence of Jesus Christ and be changed by knowing Him and being with Him. I want to pick up His mannerisms and learn what His heart beats for. I want to be changed inwardly and I want to love the people around me deeply and selflessly because of the life, peace, freedom and strength I find through God's Spirit working in me. I want to learn to enjoy being in His presence, because of who He is, not just what He does for me.

So that's kind where I feel like my heart is shifting. It is still vague and hard to describe. I have certainly not arrived (merely beginning it feels!), but I feel like my heart is being pulled down to deeper waters.

Hope

2009-04-13T18:05:00.006-04:00

When's the last time someone asked you about the hope you have?

No one's ever asked me about my hope...

The Apostle Paul seemed to assume that as Christians, we will be asked about it - and it's crucial for us to be able to give a reason for that hope, in a gentle and respectful way. We spend a LOT of energy as Christians, it seems, studying apologetics and trying to plug up the holes that many people have when it comes to faith and religion and God. We are adamant about standing up for the Truth. And we've done a lot damage to the reputation of Jesus Christ by the way we defend Christianity.

I'm not saying it's bad to speak up about our faith. Not at all. Especially when it is done with gentleness and respect. But I never really stopped to consider what the Apostle Paul meant by his statement. He assumes I will be asked about the hope I have. Realistically, I need to go back and read that passage of scripture again, to gain some insight into the specifics of what he meant by "hope", but it still stands... Am I a hope-filled person? Would someone describe me as hopeful, with a pure, child-like excitement for all that God is doing in me and in the lives of the people around me? I'm afraid most people who know me probably wouldn't define me as hopeful. I have a tendency to be skeptical and cynical, usually motivated by fears and insecurities that show I don't really trust that God is good sometimes.

So, I think, instead of spending a lot of time studying the defenses of Christianity and learning how to debate religion and spirituality and the Bible better... Perhaps I should spend that time and energy focused on God and His Word and let that either develop a deep, real hope within me, that oozes out into my everyday life or in essence, prove God wrong and show that this whole thing is a joke. I don't think it is. I think we just get complacent and comfortable. We get really used to hanging out in our Christian circles and it's really normal to avoid the big sins that are frowned on. If people aren't asking us about the hope that they see in us, what does that say about our lives? A. We are hiding who we truly are and hoarding the good news of hope that we supposedly have in Jesus Christ or B. We don't really believe the Gospel of Jesus and don't actually experience any real hope in our own lives and we simply try to manufacture something close to resembling hope.

And most of this is purely introspective. I've never been asked about the hope that I have. Some people might try to pat me on the back and say don't be so hard on myself. I'm not being hard on myself and I'm not wallowing in guilt about this. I'm simply curious about a really cut-and-dried statement that Paul made. If the way I live my life expressed a hope, people would ask about it, because most of the time, we as humans don't really have much hope. We see so much pain and heartache and suffering around us, we get used to building up defenses and walls to protect and insulate ourselves from constant disappointment and pain. So I don't want to simply work really hard on preparing my reason for hope. I want to know God in a deeper way, so that I understand and experience, on a practical, daily level, true hope. THEN I will work on articulating the reason for my hope in a gentle and respectful way. But I think it's time we stopped putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. Because people aren't asking about our hope... and that doesn't seem like a good thing...

Friends and Enemies

2009-03-31T09:38:00.004-04:00

This is a tangent thought from my last post...

Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

This got me thinking, is there a difference in the way we love our friends, versus the way we love our enemies? Jesus commanded us to love our enemies, precisely because everyone loves their friends, regardless of religious background. Jesus seemed to set up an alternate kingdom, a deeper understanding of love in general, that extends to those from whom we don't necessarily get any love in return... So it would seem more noble or true to say, "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his enemies."... But that seems weird, and bottom-line, isn't what Jesus said.

I'm confused. Did Jesus make the statement simply because He was with the disciples, His friends? It makes sense that He was alluding to the Cross... which is ALSO trippy, because the Bible says, while we were yet sinners and enemies of God, Christ died for us. THAT'S how deep His love extended to bring us back. He laid down His life for us as enemies... but as friends, too? Weird.

There's obviously a difference between the way we love our friends and the way we love our enemies. There just is. It doesn't take effort to love our friends; we are drawn to them, similar to them, and have things in common with them.

I guess my question, rooted in this confusion, is: which is greater, loving your friends or loving your enemies? And is there biblical grounds for the difference? Are we supposed to pursue a love that doesn't distinguish between friend or foe? Or is there a sweetness between friends that is rooted in God and deeper than the love that we are supposed to have for our enemies?

Any thoughts? Am I just over-thinking this?

It's All About Love

2009-03-30T22:12:00.003-04:00

I apologize ahead of time if this post gets confusing or heretical =)

In church yesterday, Clay read from John 15. Jesus is talking to His disciples and He uses the whole vine/branches analogy to explain, in one sense, our relationship with Him. Everyone in that time would be real familiar with the analogy and the pictures that it would bring to mind.

It's a fairly logical thought progression that Jesus walks them through. God is the gardener, Jesus is the vine, we are the branches. As healthy branches connected to the vine, we should bear fruit. How do we bear fruit (whatever the fruit may be)? By staying connected to the vine, drawing our nutrients and life-giving sap from the vine. How do we "remain" and "abide" in the vine? How do we stay connected to Jesus' life-giving fruit-producing... vine-ness? Jesus says we do that by obeying His commands. Okay. My first instinct is to switch into super-christian mode, ready to tackle the long list of do's and don't's... Jesus instead sums up the essence of the commandments and says, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." Love each other. This keeps coming up lately in my thoughts, in snippets from books or articles, in sermons and conferences, and conversations... We've really done a bang-up job of distracting ourselves from what Christianity is supposed to be about. We're missing something deep. At least, that's how I feel. It isn't about being really upright and moral; it isn't about believing a specific set of proclamations. It is about loving each other. And I'm not talking about a 60's hippie love fest sorta thing. I'm talking about self-less, sacrificial, unconditional love and compassion for everyone and each one around us. The gospel of Jesus at its core is not simply, "Believe that Jesus died for your sins so He can forgive you and you can go to heaven". It seems like the gospel, the "good news" and the core commandment of what it means to follow Jesus, is to love each other. The impetus for loving each other, the source of that command is Jesus' sacrificial love for us on the cross. I don't know if I'm articulating this well... The cross enables us to live the life of love that Jesus calls us to. It is completely necessary. Crucial. But it is not the end point, like I feel most evangelical churches seem to teach and focus on. Just believing that Jesus was the Son of God and died for our sins is not enough. I don't mean we need to do something to earn our salvation... I'm saying our individualistic salvation is not the main point - we are called, saved, rescued and adopted into God's family to live like Him, to love each other and advance His kingdom of love in the midst of a spiritual kingdom of darkness and sorrow and pain and heartache. The cross puts to death in us all that separates us from the Vine, IN ORDER THAT we can become part of His movement of love, as corny as that sounds.

I am, in no way, suggesting we can earn our salvation by loving people enough. I'm simply saying that our salvation is not for our own selfish consumption. God has saved us INTO something grand, not just our own selfish little ticket out of hell. In saving us, through Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, God has called us into His kingdom, to love each other. Not simply to sit back and relax now that we aren't on the boat that's going down, you know?

I'm not convinced that I explained my thoughts there well. Really, what I'm saying for my own life, is that I see a shift happening. The way the gospel of Jesus is lived out is by genuinely, selflessly loving the people around me, "one face at a time".

And, hold onto your seats, this has got me thinking about the concept of sin. We Christians typically think of sin as right/wrong, black/white, do/don't. It's a sin to get drunk. It's a sin to have sex outside of marriage. It's a sin to steal. It's a sin to murder. Et cetera. I am wondering... what if the essence of sin is anything that is unloving? In John 15, Jesus says, basically, if you love me, obey me (and I know He says that again somewhere else in the new testament...). What if that is a GOOD thing? At first glance, it sounds tyranical. If God loved me, why would He order me to do something? You know? BUT what if our view of love is so skewed, so tainted by original sin or whatever, that we are missing the very truth about what love is? If we loved each other, we would submit to each other, and serve each other and meet each others' needs willingly with affection and joy. Maybe our resistence to obeying God's commands in general is a sign that we don't actually love Him? Maybe that's what Adam and Eve's deal in the garden of Eden was rooted in - they didn't obey out of their love for God. They let something else motivate their decision.

It just seems so crazy and simple to me... Jesus' sums up the entire law and the prophets and commands, in this: "Love each other, the way you've seen Me love you." Sin, then, is being unloving towards God and the people around me.

And if we truly want to be close to God, to remain in His love and experience it and roll around in it, He says we do that by loving each other. We experience Him when we selflessly love people.

And that's all for now. That didn't feel very coherent... But I wanted to write these thoughts down. Maybe I should have broken it down into chunks... Oh well. Goodnight. Intentionally love someone tomorrow.

Loving God

2009-03-25T16:08:00.001-04:00

"The critical question for our generation—and for every generation—is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

- God Is The Gospel, John Piper

There's a vast difference in believing in something and loving it. I'm quick to say I believe in God. Most people are. But what if that's not what it's about? What if God is a real person, and He doesn't want His existence to be merely acknowledged? We as humans have this insatiable desires to be desired and wanted and to belong and be cherished. What if that's rooted in God? What if God's desire for us is that we actually find Him beautiful and satisfying? What if being close to God actually makes all the other good things in life pale in comparison?

What haunts me is, what if it's not just a "what if"? What if belief isn't good enough? The Bible says that the demons believe in God and shudder. They certainly won't be with God in heaven. How many of us have been deceived, however unintentionally, into thinking that believing in God's existence and being a good person is what it means to be a Christian? What if being a Christian is solely rooted in whether or not you really are in love with God and prefer Him over anything else this life has to offer? How many of us would be able to say that's true of ourselves? I know I can't say that with much confidence. So many other things clearly take precedence. I give God my leftovers. I fit Him in when it's convenient.

I don't feel guilt-ridden with this line of thinking. It just makes me long to love God like that, because that's the first and greatest commandment that Jesus focused on. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart." I want to love God with all my heart, not little pieces of it.

Following Your Passions

2009-03-16T16:38:00.001-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/03/16/bregman.economy/index.html

Very interesting advice for those in this recession that have lost their jobs due to layoffs, etc. It definitely begs the question of what is most important to you: making money and buying lots of things that will bring a measure of happiness and security, or pursuing the risk and adventure and probable hardships that go along with pursuing a dream or passion that you've had and figuring out a way to make a living off of it...

I feel like a lot of younger people will agree with this mindset and shout cheers of affirmation, while any older readers will shake their heads with hesitation, quick to warn the idealistic naive to be more practical. That's a generational stereotype I have in my head... If you disagree, please feel free to set the record straight!

Christianity in a Post-christian Culture

2009-03-10T12:25:00.005-04:00

I've been realizing lately, through several conversations and things I've read, that America is increasingly post-christian, that is, biblically illiterate. Those generations of previous decades grew up in churches, whether they were actively "following Jesus" or not, the cultural landscape was one of church-going, modest families. It helped prolong our idea that this is a "christian nation". But more and more, I'm learning that my generation or, probably more accurately, the generation following me, isn't growing up with any kind of church-background. They aren't being forced to experience Sunday school and flannel graphs and choirs and communion. They don't know the stories of Gideon and his army, or Moses and the burning bush, or the wee little man Zacchaeus who climbed the Sycamore tree to see Jesus.

I've gotten really used to trying to deconstruct peoples' negative impression of Jesus that they learned from imperfect churches... But I'm starting to wonder what it looks like to tell people about Jesus that have few, if any, misconceptions about him. "Evangelism" as it has been practiced over the past few decades has become out-dated and rarely effective (except in the rare instances when God moves through them despite them), precisely because calling someone to "make a decision for Christ" used to mean more to a culture that knew the Bible stories and the Gospel of Jesus through their church-going sensibilities. They had the knowledge to inform a decision that will shatter your future in ways you can never fathom beforehand. Eddie Gibbs, of Fuller Theological Seminary, said he hopes those who have a 10-minute conversation with someone about Christ and then urges them to make a decision for Christ there on the spot don't approach their dating lives in the same way! Christianity, following Jesus Christ, is a life-long, world-shattering commitment that CAN'T be truly entered into lightly, without counting the cost first, etc.

Understanding that our culture now lacks the biblical background to allow people to count the cost of following Christ before urging them to make that decision is going to be a large factor that we have to wrestle with if we want to effectively communicate the good news of Jesus Christ. I'm not sure what that looks like yet. The message is the same, for sure, but the method of communicating it is constantly shifting. Our culture has shifted and is shifting further towards post-christian. How should we respond?

What are your thoughts? Does that make sense?

The Self and God's Self-Existence

2009-02-23T22:55:00.002-05:00

So, after a good, long conversation with my roommate, I have more to write about. Lots more, but I'll contain it to one topic. God's self-existence, if that's a real word/phrase. "I am what I am" was God's answer to Moses when he asked how to respond when the people ask who sent him. God exists and doesn't need us or depend on us for existence, while we, on the other hand, need Him desperately and intrinsically. I have no control over my existence. I am dependent on God, but, because of the Fall of humankind, I live and act and think as though I am independent, when, in fact, I am not. I have no control over whether or not my liver will continue functioning properly or that my legs will work in the morning to get myself out of bed. Tozer talks about the essence of sin being that I put myself on the throne of my Self, where only God belongs, because only He is self-existent. I am dependent on Him, so I can't claim any authority over my life or existence. That being said, we are stained and bent towards this Self-exultation and that is the essence of our sin nature and rebellion against God. It isn't that we got drunk or had sex before we were married or murdered someone. It was that we determined that we would decide whether or not those actions were okay for us to do. We decided our own morality. We, created beings, refused to acknowledge our creature-hood and instead told God that He can take a hike. That's how we live. That's the root of the problem for anyone who doesn't believe in and follow Jesus Christ and that's the root of the problem for those who do. We are constantly climbing back up on the throne of our Self and refuse to submit to God.

So then, how do we live? If we want to surrender that delusion of authority, if we want to lay down our Self ("deny yourself" as Jesus put it)... how do we do that? What does that even mean? It is easy to talk about things like this within a Christian context, because I'm used to the jargon. "Take up your cross daily and follow me" and other verses like that are too familiar. How do I practically "take up my cross"? If, like the apostle Paul said, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." I am phyiscally still alive. I have never been crucified. So is this verse just blatant lie? I don't think so. So there is something spiritual that is going on that I can't see, something abstract... When Jesus Christ was crucified, somehow, I died, too? How? Or is that what Paul means—that through faith, I accept that this mysterious truth is, in fact, true? I guess this is getting a little too "systematic theology" for me so I'm going to switch gears a bit...

How do I as a follower of Jesus Christ live this out? I believe there is something deeply true about this concept, but it is hard in this culture (or maybe every culture) to live out. How do we deny ourselves and take up our crosses and follow Christ? How do I keep from exalting my Self? How do I surrender that and submit to God on a practical level?

Discipline and Discipleship

2009-02-20T12:58:00.001-05:00

Thanks to May for posting this link:

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/mens-advance-2006/reverse-engineering-your-life

A couple of small things he says don't sit right with me, probably because it is convicting and/or a little too "self-help" sounding, but underneath the semantics of how he words things or whatever, I am deeply convicted and encouraged to have a vision for my life and prioritize accordingly. I will write another post about this once I've spent a little more time thinking it through. It is a long audio file, but in case you missed May's comment on my previous post, the link is a really worthwhile listen, if you've got 95 mintues or so. Very thought-provoking...

Time Is Not On Our Side

2009-02-19T15:37:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately, trying to process life and how to live it well. I have succumbed, yet again, to allow life to happen to me, rather than living life intentionally and purposefully.

Time does not slow down, in case you have not figured that out yet. It keeps going, and you either catch up to it or it bowls you over. I think it's probably safe to say that most of us struggle with time-management. I like to think that because it's less alienating that way. How do we juggle all the things of life that seem so important to us? I'm not talking about trying to fit in more shopping time or learning the cello (which is something I want desperately to learn - unfortunately, it has a hard time climbing the priority ladder). I'm talking about spending time in solitude, quieting our hearts down to appreciate life and find rest and strength in God. I'm talking about going grocery shopping, eating healthier, and exercising regularly. I'm talking about spending time with people, getting to know them better, learning how to love them more deeply, caring for their needs, learning their mannerisms, enjoying the ups and downs of life together. I'm talking about taking time to develop the gifts and talents and skills that we all have, in order to effectively serve the people around us and/or provide for those we are responsible for. I'm talking about reading books slowly and journaling about the ways those books affect us.

How do we find balance?

The very popular scripture tells us to "seek the kingdom of God first, and all those other things will be added to you". What does it mean to seek the kingdom of God first? And, honestly, how does that play itself in the everyday stuff of life? Because no matter how I slice it - I have student loans I need to pay. That means I have a job I have to work. That means a commute I have to drive. That means a lack of time that I have to deal with. That means I start managing people, instead of enjoying them. I start treating people like resources and priorities and scheduled appointments, instead of friends. Something about that seems desperately wrong. We weren't meant to live at such a breakneck pace. So how do we slow down? How do we slow down our activities, without withdrawing into self-gratifying hobbies and entertainment?

I'm sure there's a way. I can't explain it, but this whole balance-issue isn't as heavy as it once would have been. I would have sunk into a very discouraged depression and checked-out mentally. Now, it feels more like a challenge. I'm probably to blame for most of the chaos I feel, so if I made choices to get me here, I can make choices to get myself out of this.

Any suggestions?

The Supernatural

2009-02-16T14:58:00.004-05:00

Our culture is a slave to science.

The more I wrestle with my experiences and thoughts concerning God, I find more and more tension between the world around me that I can see and the world around me that I can't see. After taking Intro to Philosophy at Cedarville University (thank you, Dr. Mills) way back when, I've been okay with the idea that I can't prove God exists. That might be frightening for some people, though I hope it isn't. There is so much in our day-to-day lives that we can't prove, yet we have a body of substantial, practical evidence that suggests we can trust and live and love. There's just an element of my own perspective as a finite human that I can't escape. Think of the movie The Truman Show, and you'll get what I mean. There's no way for us to prove that our lives and the circumstances aren't an elaborate hoax or subtle deception. I can't prove that the Milky Way galaxy exists. I can't prove that my parents love me, though all the evidence points to the fact they do. I'm just saying, there's a lot that I'm learning can't be measured by science, and I'm okay with that. Science, at its best, explains how things are and move and interact, etc. Science is silent as to the question, "Why?" Why are we here? Why do I exist? Why do I wonder about what happens to me after I die if there isn't anything after we die? Science just can't answer those questions. Yet, we have pretty effectively allowed science to be the litmus test of any thought, any idea, any belief. If science says it is physically impossible to walk on water, then anyone who claims to have walked on water, or seen someone walk on water, must be crazy or a liar. That sort of thing. I think I'm getting off track...

My point was simply that I am okay with the limits of science and understand that there is something beyond what I can sense with my 5 senses. There is the metaphysical... the supernatural... the spiritual, whatever you want to call it. There's more going on beneath the surface. And the biggest thing that seems to be there is the concept and the Person of God. I'm going to sort of skip past trying to argue for God's existence or the reasons why I think He does exist... Though, that would be a worthy post in and of itself.

Instead, I'm going to question - why is it so hard for me to experience the supernatural? I hear stories upon stories about people in other third world countries and/or in books, etc. where people have experienced healings, miraculous visions and dreams, demonic activity, etc. I'm not hoping for an exorcism or anything, don't get me wrong! But it does make me wonder. Is my lack of spiritual experiences a result of this culture's post-modern brainwashing? Or is it because that stuff just really doesn't exist? If it has happened and is happening in other places around the world, I'm going to go with that evidence and say that our Western culture has effectively tamed the spiritual. We have quantified and analyzed and scrutinized and measured everything about the world around us, from millions of light years into the black void of space to sub-atomic quantum mechanics and string theories about what holds molecules together... Ghosts and UFO's are the mainstay of tabloids (which people actually do read, which really speaks to a deep truth in us that something does exist out there) and yet are completely written off by the intellectual elite of our society.

I believe God exists. I believe that our society has done a really thorough job of convincing us not to expect anything supernatural, anything too spiritual. Even our Western churches have swept away the miracles and healings and visions that were common in the early church, or so it seems, and instead, replaced them with systematic theology and doctrine. Most evangelical circles write off all that stuff easily, saying that was just for the Apostles to authentic the gospel message they preached as it went out. Maybe. That's totall possible! This post, which is getting longer and longer, is really centering around the concept of hearing from God. We have the Bible. Most people stop there. I believe that the Bible is complete and contains everything necessary for us to put our faith in this God that, most of us, have never seen. In 1 Peter 1, it says, "Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I want to love God more fully, more deeply. It is difficult to love someone who is invisible. I know enough about Him to know and believe and trust that He is good, that His thoughts towards me are affectionate, kind and faithful. So how do we experience God more intimately? How do we search for Him with our whole hearts? I think of all the martyrs over the course of history... I believe George Washington existed, but I'd deny that in a heartbeat if my life was being threatened. George Washington who? How do we fall deeply in love with God to the point where it wouldn't matter if every other Christian you knew decided that God was a big hoax and didn't want anything to do with God or religion ever again? Would I still believe if my parents stopped believing? Or if Cedarville University closed down after a retraction statement apologizing for wrongly attempting to education college students about a God that doesn't exist after all? Is there anything deep in my own experience with God that is so deeply personal and true that if everyone else walked away, that I couldn't?

That's the kind of faith I want. I want to love the Person of God in such a real way that it isn't just a mental thing. But that's where this science-loving culture has made me feel awkward about asking God for deeper spiritual experiences that would help my love for Him to be true and lasting. I don't need more facts. I need more of God's Spirit interacting with me in ways I can't necessarily explain with science. If I was married, I wouldn't write down an exhaustive list of all the things I could think about my wife and carry that around with me and point at it and say, "See? See how much I love my wife? We're married. Look how much I know about her. She's real, you know, my wife.". Having that list and knowing everything about my wife isn't going to do a thing for our marriage if we never spent time together. If she never talked to me, if she never told me that she loved me, if she never communicated and encouraged me, would we really have a relationship at that point? If we just occupied the same house, slept in the same bed but never had sex, ate at the same table, but never shared conversation, knew every fact about each other, but never experienced life together to see her mannerisms and laughter and pains, etc. could I really say I had a relationship with her? Sure, we met and signed a marriage document, but realistically, to say we have a loving relationship would just be a lie, right?

Is it possible to have that kind of loving relationship with God?

The Balance Between Holiness and Self-Righteousness

2009-02-14T09:42:00.003-05:00

After a fun conversation with a good friend, I wanted to write a post about this. How do we find the balance between desiring holiness (since, in some sense, it is commanded) and not becoming legalistic and self-righteous?

This could be a confusing post. I'll try not to simply ramble. It stems from the title of a book called, "Worldliness". I have not read it (yet?). My gut reaction to such a title is to roll my eyes, as if bracing myself for another tirade of self-righteous condemnation on the majority of Christians and how worldly they are because of the clothes they wear and the music the listen to and the show or movies they watch, etc. etc. To be fair, I don't want any of this to reflect on the book, because, again, I haven't read it. It makes me question the motives of those who point out "worldliness" in others. What is the motivation for that? Love? Holiness? I'm not sure. I don't understand the balance between allowing an individual the freedom to walk by the Spirit of God, and trust that God will convict and direct their actions in a way that is right and good, versus speaking the truth in love to people and confronting and rebuking sin. Who am I to play Holy Spirit for them? That's a tricky situation...

I guess, instead of rambling on like I am prone to, I wonder how we as Christians can love God more fully. If I was really in love with God, the things I would choose in light of that, would naturally result in holiness and that wouldn't have any kind of self-righteousness in it. I do want to be holy. I don't want to be worldly. But I also don't want to be motivated by fear. Fear is not attractive and, aside from the reverential fear and respect that the Almighty Creator deserves because of His essence and being, I think fear is a poor motivator. Granted, it might be a good starting place, but that is not God's heart. He doesn't want a bride who "loves" Him because she is secretly afraid of Him and honestly doesn't feel like she has a choice. So even in our pursuit of holiness, how do we find motivation for that from our love for God? How do we all love God with all our heart, and with all our soul and with all our minds? Because if we can learn that, and to learn to walk by the Spirit of God, I don't think we would need to point out specifics for each other (when it comes to actions not clearly sinful).